PDA

View Full Version : Tell a joke and win a prize!



Burl Source
07-10-2011, 03:30 PM
I decided to have this contest for a couple of selfish reasons.
#1 - I am easily amused.
#2 - I need some new jokes for here at work. It has gotten to the point when I ask anyone here if they want to hear a joke, they start walking in the opposite direction.

To enter the contest make a post with your joke or funny story.
One entry per joke.
If you know a lot of jokes, you get to have a lot of entries.

On July 31st I will use the random number generator to see who is the winner. Giving a bit of time like this for the drawing gives you plenty of time to seek out new funny jokes for the contest.

Winner gets this piece of stabilized redwood burl.
http://i901.photobucket.com/albums/ac219/burlsource/july/c001.jpg I will pay for worldwide shipping as well.

It is 1&7/16" thick so it might even work for some of those weird looking octagon shaped handles you guys seem to like. (just teasing)
This is one of my last pieces from this burl. It has the tightest pattern of eyes I have ever seen. The only reason why I still have it is because I stashed a couple pieces and then forgot where I put them. I just found it yesterday when straightening up in my shop. There were 2 pieces. I am keeping one of them for myself.

Pensacola Tiger
07-10-2011, 03:59 PM
This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.


John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather who lived in a very rural (backwoods), area of Tennessee. His grandfather lived in a tiny shack, without electricity, with just his dog to keep him company.


John spent a great evening talking with the old man, and went to bed. The next morning, his grandfather prepared a breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. 



As he sat down to eat, John noticed a filmy coating on his plate and questioned his grandfather, asking him, "Are these plates clean?”



His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get ‘em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal.”


For lunch John’s grandfather made hamburgers. 
Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?”



Without looking up his grandfather said, “I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you worry, I don't want to hear another word about it!”



Later that day, John was about to leave and go home, but his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.



John called to his grandfather, “Your dog won't let me get to my car.”



Looking at the dog, John’s grandfather yelled, “Coldwater, go lay down now, you hear me!'”


mano
07-10-2011, 04:07 PM
When my kids were little I insisted every Wednesday at the dinner table was joke night. Tell a joke you heard or make one up. Now that they're grown up I make up jokes for my 7 year-old niece.

What is the king and queen's favorite tea?

Royalty!

kalaeb
07-10-2011, 04:37 PM
1. Little Johnny was in kindergarten and had to a project. For this project Johnny had to bring something important to class and describe what it was.

Johnny had forgotten about the project and came up with something on the fly. He waited until the very end and when he was asked to present what he had he quietly went up to the chalk board, picked up the chalk and placed a dot on the board.
The teacher asked him what it was and he replied, it is a period.

The teacher asked why he had shared it, or why he thought it was important and he responded, “darned it I know, but when my sister said she missed hers, my mom passed out, my dad had a heart attack and the neighbor next door shot himself. So it must be important.” :bashhead:

2. A pirate walked into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his testicles. The bar tender looked at the pirate and asked, “are you aware you have a steering wheel attached to your testicles?” The pirate responded by saying, “Arrgghh, tis drivin me nuts!” :pirate1:

3. What did the bird say when the cage broke? Cheap, cheap:moon:

mano
07-10-2011, 05:07 PM
What is a baby bear's favorite dessert?

Cub cakes!

tgraypots
07-10-2011, 05:09 PM
A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says, "I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you." Her husband asks, "Is that you, or the wine talking?" She replies, "It's me...talking to the wine."

Pensacola Tiger
07-10-2011, 05:26 PM
Sharing in marriage...

An elderly couple went into a McDonald’s. The man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, “That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them”.

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the woman hadn't eaten a bite. * She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the woman said “No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.”

Finally, as the man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the woman, who had yet to eat a single bite of food, and asked, “What is it you are waiting for?”

She answered, “The teeth.”

Darkhoek
07-10-2011, 05:56 PM
A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “I think my friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy, Sir. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

Darkhoek
07-10-2011, 06:09 PM
A man was walking down the streets of Washington DC one night. All of a sudden a mugger sticks a gun in his ribs and says. "Give me all your money!"

He replied, "Do you realize I am an important member of congress?" The robber said, "In that case, give me all my money!"

SpikeC
07-10-2011, 06:32 PM
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says to him, "did you know that there is a drink named after you?" And the grasshopper replied," you mean there's a drink named Howard?"

Pensacola Tiger
07-10-2011, 06:50 PM
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little five-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's five-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars ‘pay’ she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those ******** at Lowe's ever deliver the damn sheet rock..."

PierreRodrigue
07-10-2011, 07:20 PM
So one day in class thing were getting out of hand with kids calling each other names, like stupid, idiot, moron, etc. The teacher walks in, and not likeing what she is hearing, gets the students back to their seats, and quiet again, in the middle of her constructive lecture, she says to the class "If there is any one here, who thinks they are an idiot, or stupid, please stand up." The students quietly look at each other, then little Johnny stands up. The teacher asks, "Johnny, do you really think you are an idiot or stupid?" to which Johnny says "No, I just felt bad that you were standing all by yourself!"

Burl Source
07-10-2011, 07:23 PM
These are good jokes.
My boss actually laughed when I told one to him.
That hasn't happened in a while.

Mike Davis
07-10-2011, 07:25 PM
What's the first thing you find between a 90 year old woman's boobs?
Her bellybutton.

Why is there no CSI department in Alabama?
There are no dental records and all the DNA is the same.

this is hard.....most of the jokes i know are pretty bad....Is anyone here easily offended? No offense intended to anyone...Some are pretty bad lol

IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED< SKIP THESE JOKES!

What is the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator?
The fridge doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

Ghandi, Dennis Miller and Michael Jackson are on a plane with a Boy Scout troop. As they start flying over the ocean, one of the engines dies out. There are 15 Boy scouts and 2 pilots. There 10 parachutes. The 2 pilots grab chutes and bail. Ghandi steps and and say's " We must do everything in our power to save the children!" Dennis Leary say's "Screw the children!" Michael Jackson say's "Do you think we have enough time?"

I have more but some are bad and i apologize if i offended anyone....Sorry

Eamon Burke
07-10-2011, 07:31 PM
There was a man who was found stranded on an island after 10 years of being lost. Some researchers took him back to the island, to learn how he'd survived. Up on a hill, they saw three structures, and asked "Did you build those?" The man told them he did, so they asked him what the first building was.
"That's my house, where I sleep."
That makes sense, they thought. "Well, what about the one next to it?"
"That's my church, it's where I pray to God."
The researchers were astounded! That a man surviving on his wits alone would take the time and effort to erect a chapel impressed them greatly.
"What's that last one?"
The man looked, snorted with derision and said, "Oh that?" as he rolled his eyes, "that's where I used to go to church.":rolleyes2:

Pensacola Tiger
07-10-2011, 07:37 PM
These are good jokes.
My boss actually laughed when I told one to him.
That hasn't happened in a while.

Which one, Mike?

Burl Source
07-10-2011, 08:07 PM
So far it has been the wife with the wine joke and the kid & the construction workers.

I have been laughing out load reading these jokes.
I keep coming back to see what gets posted next.
Haven't gotten much work done, but it's been a good day.

OK, I guess it's my turn for a joke.

A blind man goes into a bar with his white cane and dark glasses.
He makes his way up to the bar and sits on a stool.
The bartender comes over and asks "can I get you something to drink?"
The blind man answers, "Sure, I'll take a beer, but do you want to here a dumb blonde joke first?"
The bartender answers " I couldn't help but notice when you came in that you are blind. Before you think about telling your dumb blonde joke I should probably give you a warning. Sitting at the other end of the bar are 2 police officers both with blonde hair. Behind you at a table are a marine and a fire fighter, both blonde. And last there is me, 6 foot 4 and blonde hair. Now.... do you still want to tell your dumb blond joke?"
The blind man answers, "No, not if I'm going to have to explain it 5 times."

goodchef1
07-10-2011, 08:31 PM
guy walks into a bar and sees a horse with a sign above (make this horse laugh and cry, and win free beer for a year) Guy walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear. All of a sudden, the horse starts breaking out in laughter, then he walks the horse into the bathroom then comes out with the horse following suit bawling in tears.

He tells the bartender "okay now I'll take my first free beer" The bartender stood amazed "what did you do?" The guy says "first I told him that my thing was bigger then his, the second time, I showed him"

Dave Martell
07-10-2011, 08:49 PM
A little foul but hey - it's a wood joke. :D

Click the spoiler tag to read....

A man in a bar, after several drinks, began bragging that he could identify any type of wood by its smell only. The patrons of the bar decided to test him.

The man was blindfolded and presented with several
pieces of wood.

First they tried maple. He smelled it and said, "That's maple."

They then tried ebony; he again smelled it and named the wood correctly.

He did this with ever piece of wood they brought before him.

The bartender then got an idea to trick him. And they took one of the waitresses and put her crotch up to his nose. He sniffed for a while.

"Boy," he said "this is difficult, flip that board over and let me smell the other side."

So they took the waitress and put her ass near his nose.
He took a big whiff, started to smile and said, "You guys can't fool me! That is the sh*t house door from a tuna boat!"

Pensacola Tiger
07-10-2011, 08:53 PM
Wife From Hell

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says to the driver, “I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.”

The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60. Perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”

The man’s wife interrupts from the passenger seat, “Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.”

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can't you please be quiet?”

The wife smiles demurely and says, “Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.”

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?”

The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.”

The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”

The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.”

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP!”

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?”

“Only when he's been drinking.”

mano
07-10-2011, 08:53 PM
Oh, you want funny jokes?

A wife said to her husband, "If I die, I want you to remarry and let your new wife have all my belongings"

"Oh no, I could never do that, I love you too much and would never think of replacing you."

"I love you too, that's why I want you to be happy with someone else. She can have my clothes, jewelry, even my car."

"Oh no, I don't even want to think of you dying, much less having her use your things!"

"Please, dear, I mean it. I want her to use everything of mine, even my golf clubs."

"Sorry, that wouldn't work out. She's a lefty."

apicius9
07-10-2011, 10:40 PM
O.k., this one will get me in trouble, it's neither politically nor historically correct, and probably not for the religiously sensitive either.

Jesus walks down a road and sees a crowd of women and men that has gathered near a wall. When he gets closer, he sees that they are stoning a young woman. He walks up and says "He that Is Without Sin Among You, Let Him First Cast a Stone". A woman in the first row picks up a stone and throws it at the young woman. Jesus turns to her and says "Mom, sometimes you are really getting on my nerves."

Stefan

Pensacola Tiger
07-10-2011, 11:00 PM
Yesterday I was at my local Walmart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Lugnut, the Wonder Dog, and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost fifty pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV’s in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish setter's butt and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Walmart won't let me shop there anymore.

steeley
07-10-2011, 11:04 PM
Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "The other day, I was cleaning Father McInty's room and I found pornographic magazines under his bed!"

The second nun said, "I can top that. Yesterday I was cleaning Father McInty's room and I found some condoms!"

The other nuns asked, "What did you do with them?"

The second nun said, "I poked holes in them."

The third nun fainted

Eamon Burke
07-10-2011, 11:12 PM
A priest went to the bishop and said he had a problem. He was in love with one of the Sisters!
"Oh, that's not a big deal," said the bishop, "just don't get into the habit."

Mike Davis
07-10-2011, 11:48 PM
Yesterday I was at my local Walmart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Lugnut, the Wonder Dog, and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost fifty pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV’s in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish setter's butt and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Walmart won't let me shop there anymore.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! That is freakin EPIC!

Mike Davis
07-10-2011, 11:51 PM
A guy walks into a bar and orders 7 shots of tequila. The bartender asks" What's the occasion?" The guy replies, "I am celebrating my first blow job." The bartender say's "Hell, here is a shot on the house!" The guy replies, "It's ok, if these don't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

Vladimir
07-11-2011, 06:54 AM
It's really going on near our city.
We lived near two men, one had a dog, and the second was a rabbit home.
Every summer, the owner had offered a rabbit for a walk in the yard.
Neighbor's dog when she saw a rabbit very much barking and rushed to the fence.
Rabbit owner comes to the house owner and the dog says, look if your dog does something bad with the rabbit I shot her.
Once the dog has escaped from his master and came only at night and in the teeth it was dirty the rabbit was dead.
The owner of the dog was frightened rabbit washed with shampoo and dried his fur dryer.
Climbed over the fence to the neighbor and put a dead rabbit in a cage.
In the morning a neighbor came with a bottle of vodka, and said the owner of the dog, let's have a drink, I'm going crazy.
Last night died my favorite rabbit, I buried him, and now go out into the yard, but it is clean and fluffy in the cell sits

mano
07-11-2011, 07:02 AM
Sean and Murray walk by the church and Sean says, "Wait here while I go in for confession."

He confesses to the priest having an affair with a married woman and the priest tells him, "For me to give absolution you have to tell me her name."

Sean refuses and the priest says, "Was it Mrs. Kennedy?"

"I won't betray a confidence."

"Was it Mrs. Sullivan?"

"I told you I won't say."

"Was it Mrs. McGinn?"

"Please stop asking. I won't say."

"In that case, leave without absolution."

Sean goes out to his friend who asks, "So, did you get forgiveness?"

"No, but I got three good leads!"

Mike Davis
07-11-2011, 04:22 PM
A man and woman are having sex in the woods late one night. The man say's "I wish i had a flashlight." The woman say's"Me too...you have been eating grass for ten minutes."

Mike Davis
07-11-2011, 04:27 PM
How is Facebook like prison? You sit around wasting time, you write on walls and get "Poked" by people you don't know.

Eamon Burke
07-11-2011, 04:44 PM
A guy is carpooling with his buddy and sees two dogs humping away in someone's yard. He looks at his buddy and says "What the hell are those dogs doing? Fighting?" His buddy, shocked, says "What? No! You mean to tell me you don't know about doggy style?" He says no, so his buddy says "Alright, here's what you do. Tonight, play it cool, get your wife 2 margaritas, and you do it just like that."

The next day, he comes to pick up the guy again, and says "Well?! How was it?"
"It was great!" The guy says, "But it took 6 margaritas before she'd have sex on the lawn."

Ichi
07-11-2011, 05:47 PM
Hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called, Sosumi.

Pensacola Tiger
07-11-2011, 05:56 PM
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite countertops."

Ichi
07-11-2011, 06:26 PM
A ham sandwich walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

tgraypots
07-11-2011, 06:53 PM
I know, I know, this one is old................
The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza joint and says, "can you make me one with everything?"

shankster
07-11-2011, 07:50 PM
3 traveling salesmen are out in the middle of nowhere when their car breaks down.They walk to the only farmhouse they see and ask the old farmer if they can spend the night.
The old guy says"sure but I've only got 1 large extra bed so all 3 of ya gonna have to sleep side by side,they say sure no worries.In the morning the guy on the right side of the bed says"I had a dream some girl gave me a hand job!" The guy on the left says"I had the same dream,some girl giving me a hand job!" The guy in the middle says"I had a dream I was skiing!".....

Ichi
07-11-2011, 08:29 PM
Didja hear that diarrhea's hereditary?
Yeah, it runs in the jeans!

Ichi
07-11-2011, 08:33 PM
The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family. The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it. When the next child arrived, the minister appealed and again the congregation approved the increase. Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expenses. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister.

Finally, the minister stood up and shouted "Having children is an Act of God!"

An older man in the back stood and shouted back "So are rain and snow, but we wear rubbers for them!"

SpikeC
07-11-2011, 08:36 PM
This thread is getting out of hand!!

Pensacola Tiger
07-11-2011, 08:56 PM
Apologies to anyone with a blonde wife and/or girlfriend...


A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, “I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.”

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, “Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?”

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

“There's no charge,” the blonde says.

“No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!”, the woman says.

“Honestly, ma'am,” the blonde says, “it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice... So I just switched the heads.”

monty
07-11-2011, 09:30 PM
John goes to work and sees his friend, Jeff, holding his head in his hands.
Jon asks, "Long night last night?"
Jeff replies, "I got so drunk I blew Chunks."
Jon responded, "That happens to everyone."
Jeff looked up at Jon with bloodshot eyes and said, " You don't understand. Chunks is my dog!"

Eamon Burke
07-11-2011, 10:38 PM
This is how we tell targeted jokes here in Texas...

A guy's walking down the street and sees an Aggie with a pig under his arm. He gets closer and says "Whew, he sure is ugly! Where'd you get him?"
The pig says,"I won him in an auction."

Pensacola Tiger
07-11-2011, 10:40 PM
An knifemaker was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."

The knifemaker took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."

Again, the knifemaker took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The knifemaker said, "Look, I'm an knifemaker. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool.

Ichi
07-12-2011, 12:07 AM
Waiter, my knife is blunt and my steak is like leather
You should strop the knife on the steak then, sir.

PierreRodrigue
07-12-2011, 12:43 AM
My six year old loves this one

How do you drown a blond?

Put a scratch and sniff sticker in the bottom of the pool.



How do you confuse a blond?

Put her in a round room, and tell her to piss in the corner.

PierreRodrigue
07-12-2011, 12:55 AM
Two Menonite's a father and son, go to the city for the first time, and while there walk into the tallest building they can find. While in the lobby, they see a pair of shiny doors open, and a old rather harsh looking woman walk in. The doors close, and the notice the lights on top of the door, go up through a sequence of numbers, then down again. When the doors open, out walks a beautiful long legged blond, with amazing assets! Amazed, the father leans towards his son and says "Son, hurry up, go get your mother!"

steeley
07-12-2011, 01:10 AM
The madam of a brothel has a problem, so she goes to a local priest. "I have two talking female parrots," she tells him. "All they can say is ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’"

"That’s awful," the priest agrees, "but I have a solution to your problem. I have two male parrots whom I’ve taught to pray and read the Bible. If we put your parrots with mine, I believe yours will stop saying that awful phrase and will instead learn to recite the word of God."

The next day, the madame brings her parrots to the priest’s house and puts them in with the male parrots, who are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

"Hi, we’re prostitutes." say the females. "Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks at the other and squawks, "Close the Bible, Frank! Our prayers are answered!"

goodchef1
07-12-2011, 09:56 AM
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

goodchef1
07-12-2011, 10:27 AM
Two elderly men were sitting on a mall bench. One says to the other, I feel great, just ran into a beautiful college girl who asked if she could start dating me.

The other man said, wow, you are the luckiest man on earth. He replies, yep, I sure am, by the way, what is carbon 14?

Mike Davis
07-12-2011, 11:08 AM
A girl asks her boyfriend if he wants to get married. He replies"Sure." She says "Great, when?" he says "Well...like every other guy, When i meet the right girl."

bprescot
07-12-2011, 01:18 PM
For some reason, I've a great fondness for the classic Lightbulb and "Man walks into a bar" jokes. Here are a few of my favorites.

How many boring people does it take to change a lightbulb?
One.

How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. Four to turn the ladder and one to hold the boob ... I mean BULB!

How many Marxists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, for the lightbulb contains the seed of it's own revolution.

Did you hear the one about the woman who walked into a bar? She asked for a double entendre and the barman gave it to her.

How about the dyslexic devil-worshiper who sold his soul to Santa?

One day a man walks into confession and says, "Father, I am 80 years old and happily married. I've got 4 kids and 8 grandkids, but last night, I had this affair. I made love to two beautiful 24 year old women. Twice!"
"Oh," says the priest, "I see. And how long has it been since you're last confession?"
"Oh, never, Father. I'm Jewish."
"Then why are you telling me, then?"
"Are you kidding?! I'm telling EVERYBODY!!"

PierreRodrigue
07-13-2011, 01:10 AM
After a visit to the whore house,

a man notices green lumps on his willy,
so he goes to the doctors.
“That’s serious” says the doctor.
“You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?”

“Yes” says the man seriously.


“Well” says the doctor “You’ve got brothel sprouts.”

JohnnyChance
07-13-2011, 01:37 AM
Man walks into a bar, sign behind the bar says "Cheese sandwiches: Two Dollars. Handjobs: Ten Dollars." He walks over to the bartender and says, "Excuse me Miss but are you the lady who gives the handjobs?" She says, "Why yes I am!". He replies, "Well wash those hands and fix me a cheese sandwich!".

ecchef
07-13-2011, 02:01 AM
This was always one of my favorites:

A man was walking down the street and a friend walks by in the opposite direction.

“Hi, Travis.”

“Don’t call me Travis, call me Lucky.”

“Lucky? How come?”

“Well, yesterday was payday and my paycheck blew out the window driving home. All I had left was a dollar to my name.”

“Blew out the window? That doesn’t sound lucky!”

“Oh, yes! I bought a lottery ticket, and won $5,000 dollars!”

“Wow! That was lucky, Lucky!”

A week later they passed on the street again.

“Hi, Lucky”

“Don’t call me Lucky, call me Lucky Lucky.”

“Lucky Lucky? How come, Lucky?”

“I was in a car wreck.”

“Well, that doesn’t sound lucky, Lucky.”

“Oh, yes!. Five people were killed and I was the only one who survived!”

“Wow, that was lucky, Lucky Lucky!”

A week later they passed yet again.

“Hi, Lucky Lucky.”

“Don’t call me Lucky Lucky, call me Lucky Lucky Lucky!”

“Lucky Lucky Lucky? How come Lucky Lucky?”

“I was in bed with the neighbor’s wife and he caught us. Shot me in the ass with a shotgun. Doctor pulled 40 buckshot out!"

“Well, that doesn’t sound lucky, Lucky Lucky to me.”

“Hell Yeah it is! Three seconds sooner and it would have been a head shot!”

and then there's:

How many guys from New Jersey does it take to screw in a light bulb?
3. One to do the job, one to watch, and one to shoot the witness.


And the little girl construction worker joke was hilarious! :lol2:

steeley
07-13-2011, 03:21 AM
One day after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. “I’m lookin’ for the meanest, toughest, roughest hooker in the Yukon,” he said to the bartender.

“We got her,” replied the bartender. “She’s upstairs in the second room on the right.”

The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the door and yelled, “I’m looking for the meanest, roughest, toughest hooker in the Yukon.”

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, “Well, you found her.” Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.

“How do you know I want that position first?” asked the miner.

“I don’t,” replied the hooker, “I just thought you might like to open those beers first.”

ecchef
07-13-2011, 07:55 AM
Two guys, Ralph and Leroy were bungee-jumping, one day. The Ralph says to Leroy. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico." Leroy thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they will need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

Leroy says, "Hey, we have a good crowd, let's give the people a demonstration. Ralph, this was your idea, so you go first".

They climb the ladder, Ralph hooks himself up, leans over the side of the platform and off he goes.

He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, Leroy notices that Ralph has some cuts and scratches. Ralph goes down again and bounces back up. This time, Leroy sees that Ralph is bruised and bleeding. Leroy tried to catch him, but misses.

Ralph goes down a third time. This time, when he comes back, he is really messed up - he has a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, Leroy finally catches him. He gets Ralph on the platform and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

"No, the cord was fine, but what the hell is a 'pinata'?"




A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

ecchef
07-13-2011, 08:09 AM
This is one of my absolute favorites!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qIkKhiIlfas

99Limited
07-13-2011, 08:28 AM
How is Snookie's vagina like the federal government? It's too big, it services too many people and nothing good will ever come out of it.

Mike Davis
07-13-2011, 10:25 AM
This one is great also!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0vqUdC-8nFY

goodchef1
07-13-2011, 10:26 AM
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

goodchef1
07-13-2011, 10:27 AM
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned. Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."

mano
07-13-2011, 11:20 AM
A CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a wall."

SpikeC
07-13-2011, 03:10 PM
Married couple in their 60's are visited by a fairy who grants them both a wish. I want to travel around the world with my darling husband said the wife. 2 tickets for a luxury cruise magically appear! Husband says sorry love but my wish is to have a wife 30yrs younger than me. The fairy waves her wand & the husband becomes 92. Moral of the story: Men who are ungrateful should remember, fairies are female!

steeley
07-15-2011, 01:38 AM
Pinocchio and his girlfriend are in bed, doing what wooden puppets do, when she suddenly sighs. He asks her why, and she replies, "You’re probably the best lover I’ve ever had, but every time we make love you give me splinters."

This remark bothers Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he seeks advice from Gepetto, who suggests a bit of sandpaper might "smooth out" Pinnochio’s relationship with his girlfriend. Pinocchio graciously thanks his creator and goes on his way.

A couple of weeks later, Gepetto runs into Pinocchio at the hardware store, where his little wooden friend is buying every package of sandpaper the store has in stock.

"So, Pinocchio," Gepetto remarks, "things must be going pretty damn good with the girls, eh?"

"Girls?" says Pinocchio, "Who needs girls?

Pensacola Tiger
07-15-2011, 05:26 PM
All arrivals in heaven have to go through an examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains how he came to die. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky panky so I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I dragged our antique cedar chest to the balcony and threw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant enters and says, "I was working on the roof of an apartment building when I slipped and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

The clerk directs the man to the next room.

When his third customer of the day enters, he says "I doubt that the way you died was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."

"I don't know," replies the man. "Picture this. I'm buck naked, hiding in this cedar chest ..."

shankster
07-15-2011, 07:17 PM
All arrivals in heaven have to go through an examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains how he came to die. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky panky so I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I dragged our antique cedar chest to the balcony and threw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant enters and says, "I was working on the roof of an apartment building when I slipped and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

The clerk directs the man to the next room.

When his third customer of the day enters, he says "I doubt that the way you died was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."

"I don't know," replies the man. "Picture this. I'm buck naked, hiding in this cedar chest ..."

hahahaha great joke! I'm so stealing this...

mr drinky
07-16-2011, 12:32 AM
I am horrible at jokes -- absolutely horrible, but I do tell really good humorous stories. I just can't remember jokes. But here is one of the jokes I remember. It was told on the old series M*A*S*H. I am dating myself. I probably have messed it up, but the details don't matter. If you set it up well at a party, it usually gets a laugh.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
George Washington
George Washington who?
Don't you know me?

And now there is a second part. Timing is key.

Knock, knock.
Who's there.
Benjamin Franklin.
Benjamin Franklin who?
Was George Washington just here?

That is all I got, but I can tell a good story about people from Kentucky having sex with chickens.

k.

Pensacola Tiger
07-16-2011, 11:09 AM
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store.

As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to heaven."

The little boy replied, "Awww, come on, you don't even know the way to the Post Office."

Pensacola Tiger
07-16-2011, 11:17 AM
My Aunt Mildred was 93 years old and particularly despondent over the recent death of my uncle. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to anyone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Aunt Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

spaceconvoy
07-16-2011, 05:50 PM
A termite walks into a bar and says, "is the bar tender here?"

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A fortune-telling dwarf escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

An Irishman walks out of a bar.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
To.
To who?
To whom.

Eamon Burke
07-16-2011, 08:11 PM
Hey, those last two are anti-jokes! I love anti-jokes!

What'd one lawyer say to the other lawyer? We are both lawyers.

What's the saddest thing about 5 foreigners in a cadillac going over a cliff? They were my friends.

How do you confuse a blonde woman? Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.

EdipisReks
07-16-2011, 08:12 PM
A physics professor and his lab assistant were trying to liberate negatively charged hydroxyl ions. The assistant turned to the professor and says "but professor, what if the salicylic acid won't accept the hydroxyl ion?" and the professor says "that's no hydroxyl ion, that's my wife!"

Delbert Ealy
07-17-2011, 12:04 AM
The big moron and the little moron were stading on a bridge over the river temms, the big moron fell off. Why didn't the little moron fall off?
Because he was a little more on.

Del

jm2hill
07-17-2011, 12:34 AM
My Aunt Mildred was 93 years old and particularly despondent over the recent death of my uncle. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to anyone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Aunt Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.


haha, that was absolutely fantastic. kudo's to you!

oivind_dahle
07-17-2011, 05:59 AM
Three friends were sitting in a bar, drinking Beer, and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The first guy, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the market and bought meat worth 1000 bucks because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in."

The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker.

"Just last week, she went out and spent 4 lacs on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"

THe third nods sagely, and agrees that these two women sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber.

"Ah, it kills me every time I think of it," he chuckles. "My wife just left to go on a holiday in Germany. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a penis!

Pensacola Tiger
07-17-2011, 08:37 AM
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

- Groucho Marx

spaceconvoy
07-17-2011, 08:41 AM
Hey, those last two are anti-jokes! I love anti-jokes!

Haha, you got me... and I noticed you slightly altered your second joke ;)

steeley
07-18-2011, 01:19 AM
Three little ducks went into a bar. "Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," the duck replied.

"How's your day been, Huey?" asked the bartender.

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh, that's nice," said the bartender.

He turned to the second duck and said, "Hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey," the second duck said.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked. "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball, too. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles.

Darkhoek
07-18-2011, 03:30 AM
An old nun had died and went to heaven. St. Peter at the Pearly Gates checked his files and found that the old nun had been living an exemplary life at the monestary all her life. So, to reward her for her impeccable life on earth, St.Peter decided to give her one more month on earth being whoever she wanted to be.

The nun was thinking for a while about this, and finally St.Peter asked her. "So, have you decided?... Maybe I can suggest Mother Theresa, or maybe one of the great former presidents or even a famous musician?" "No", replied the nun silently, "I would like to be Greta Pipelini".

St. Peter had never heard of this Greta Pipelini woman. He checked his files of both the dead and the living but could not find any one. He asked the nun who she meant or if she could have been mistaken, but the nun gave him an old newspaper and replied "This one". St. Peter took the old paper and the front page read "GREAT PIPELINE LAID BY 200 STRONG MEN IN 30 DAYS!"

Pensacola Tiger
07-19-2011, 11:32 AM
Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Iowa Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.

You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," He said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or Outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo in her face
for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or Unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.

"The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

apicius9
07-19-2011, 12:01 PM
A priest is standing in line to get into heaven. There is only one man in front of him. St. Peter asks the man 'Who are you, son?' 'I am James, the bus driver.' St. Peter looks through his list, nods, and says 'Ah, yes, you are on my list, welcome to heaven.' and lets him pass through the gate. Now it's the priest's turn, and St. Peter asks him 'Who are you, son?' 'I am Father Bernard, the priest of Smalltown.' St. peter looks through his list, looks again, 'Sorry, but you are not on my list, you have to go downstairs.' 'But St. Peter, how can that be, I am a man of god. How can you let in a bus driver but not me?' 'Very easy' says St. Peter, 'when you lead your Sunday service, everyone in church was bored or fell asleep. But when James was driving his bus, everybody was praying passionately...'

Pensacola Tiger
07-19-2011, 03:22 PM
Have you ever wondered what the difference is between grandmothers and grandfathers? Well, consider this.

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive.

When they returned, the little girl ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.

"Oh, yes, Grampa! It was really wonderful. We didn't see a single stupid jerk, blind bastard or son of a ***** anywhere we went!"

bprescot
07-20-2011, 12:53 PM
Some great variety of jokes here. But I don't see any nerd jokes yet. So here it goes:

The pilot of a plane on its way out of Poland dies unexpectedly in flight. A passenger is asked to fill in. He looks at the controls and shakes his head. "What's wrong?" someone asks. The reply: "I'm just a simple Pole in a complex plane."


Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg says "No, but I know where I am."


There was a mad scientist who kidnapped three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked each of them in seperate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no can opener.
A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive, and escaped.
The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good pitching arm and a new quantum theory.
The mathematician, however, was found dead, his dessicated corpse propped calmly against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor in blood:
Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die.
Proof: Assume the opposite. Look for contradiction.


There was this magnificent horse with a gift for math. You could teach it arithmetic, which it learned with no difficulty, algebra was a breeze, it could even prove theorems in euclidean geometry, but when you tried to teach it analytic geometry, it would rear back on its hind legs, kick ferociously neigh loudly and make violent head motions in resistance.
The moral of this story? You can't put Descartes before the horse.

Delbert Ealy
07-20-2011, 02:27 PM
Some great variety of jokes here. But I don't see any nerd jokes yet. So here it goes:

The pilot of a plane on its way out of Poland dies unexpectedly in flight. A passenger is asked to fill in. He looks at the controls and shakes his head. "What's wrong?" someone asks. The reply: "I'm just a simple Pole in a complex plane."


Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg says "No, but I know where I am."


There was a mad scientist who kidnapped three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked each of them in seperate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no can opener.
A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive, and escaped.
The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good pitching arm and a new quantum theory.
The mathematician, however, was found dead, his dessicated corpse propped calmly against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor in blood:
Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die.
Proof: Assume the opposite. Look for contradiction.


There was this magnificent horse with a gift for math. You could teach it arithmetic, which it learned with no difficulty, algebra was a breeze, it could even prove theorems in euclidean geometry, but when you tried to teach it analytic geometry, it would rear back on its hind legs, kick ferociously neigh loudly and make violent head motions in resistance.
The moral of this story? You can't put Descartes before the horse.


I guess I'm a nerd, these are hilarious, I especially like the heisenberg one.
Del

bprescot
07-20-2011, 02:51 PM
:D :D Super happy that you liked them Del. I've got one more category of jokes that I love, but most hate. PUNS!

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. In other words, he was a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

But homage must be paid to the pun master, Richard Whately, Archbishop of Dublin who had dozens of gems including:
Why can a man never starve in the Great Desert? Because he can eat the sand which is there.
But what brought the sandwiches there? Why, Noah sent Ham, and his descendants mustered and bred.

jm2hill
07-20-2011, 02:54 PM
:D :D Super happy that you liked them Del. I've got one more category of jokes that I love, but most hate. PUNS!

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. In other words, he was a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


Not only did I enjoy the nerd jokes, I rather enjoyed this one too!

bprescot
07-20-2011, 03:08 PM
Well I told my wife that people enjoyed the nerd jokes and puns and she insisted I submit on of her favorites, one she apparently got from her grandmother as advice.

A bachelor is a cagey guy.
He has a load of fun.
He likes to check out all the chicks,
And never Mrs. one.

oivind_dahle
07-20-2011, 03:18 PM
A japanese ambassadour was on an official dinner an Madeleine Albright asked: "Mr. Ambassadour, do you have elections in Japan?
And then he answered: "Yes madame, evely molning."

bprescot
07-20-2011, 03:22 PM
That one took me a second lol

This thread is addictive! Last set of jokes, I promise, this time all computer error message haikus.

The code was willing!
It considered your request,
But, alas, syntax.

Errors have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why -
Lazy programmer!

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Demos are like that.

Seeing my great fault
Through darkening blue windows
I begin again.

Windows XP crashed.
I am the blue screen of death.
No one hears your screams.

Mac OSX crashed.
I am the grey screen of death.
No one hears your screams.

No keyboard present
Hit F1 to continue
Zen engineering?

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

Everything is gone.
Your life's work has been destroyed.
Squeeze trigger? (yes/no)

Burl Source
07-20-2011, 09:59 PM
Did you hear about the agnostic, dislexic, insomniac.

He stayed awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.

Line cooked
07-20-2011, 10:51 PM
What do you call a pig with no legs...Ground pork

mano
07-21-2011, 05:41 AM
Did you know Abraham Lincoln was Jewish?

He was shot in the temple

mano
07-21-2011, 05:42 AM
Two necrophiliacs were walking by a morgue.

One says to the other, "Want to stop in for a cold one?"

ecchef
07-21-2011, 07:31 AM
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911.

The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street, and you pick her up there?"

Ratton
07-21-2011, 06:13 PM
Little Johnny Joke: The teacher says today in class I want you to use the word ransom in a sentence or a story, do I have any volunteers? Little Johnny is waving his hand furiously, the teacher doesn’t like asking Johnny because he usually uses some off color words. Since there are no other volunteers the teacher finally says ok to Johnny.

Little Johnny get up and says: “ down in the deep and a dark ravine, lived an old tom cat in a sewing machine, the sewing machine ran so fast it sewed sixteen stitches up tom cat’s a$$ and he ran some!”:tooth:

Eamon Burke
07-21-2011, 09:40 PM
Oh, I got a classic!

The teacher took a deep breath as Little Johnny stood up for show and tell.
"This is my lucky rock. I carry it with me to and from school every day. Just today, I saw a rabbit on the side of the road, and threw this rock at it as hard as I could, and it hit him right in the a$$hole!"
"Rectum, Johnny, Rectum!" the teacher corrected.
"Rectum?" he replied, "I damn near killed him!"

apicius9
07-21-2011, 10:06 PM
The pervert and the little girl walk through the dark forest. 'I am so scared', says the little girl. 'How do you think I feel, I will have to walk home alone in the dark...'

Sorry, somber mood...

ecchef
07-22-2011, 09:57 AM
Sorry, somber mood...


Don't make me have to come over there!....:fishslap:

Pensacola Tiger
07-22-2011, 01:09 PM
There once was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him for paintings.

One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked if he would paint her in the nude.

This was the first time anyone had made this request. The woman said that money was no object - she was willing to pay him $20,000.

Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, he asked the woman to wait while he went in the house and conferred with his wife.

In a few minutes he returned and said, "Okay, I'll do it, but I'll have to leave my socks on, so I can have someplace to wipe my brushes".

Line cooked
07-27-2011, 12:58 PM
A pirate walks into a bar with his ships steering wheel stuffed in the front of his pants.

The bartender looks at the pirate and says "Whats with the steering wheel in your pants"

The pirate replys "ARGGG!!! ITS DRIVING ME NUTS"

oivind_dahle
07-27-2011, 01:11 PM
Two Amish women were picking potatoes one autumn day. The first Amish woman had 2 potatoes in her hands. She looked at the other woman and said, "these potatoes remind me of my husbands testicles", and the other woman said "are his testicles that big?" , no she commented, "they're that dirty".

cnochef
07-27-2011, 01:42 PM
How does a redneck celebrate Halloween?

pump kin

Burl Source
07-27-2011, 01:47 PM
How does a redneck celebrate Halloween?

pump kin

Around here a philosophical question asked by redneck children is;
"If mom and dad get divorced, are they still brother and sister?"

Darkhoek
07-27-2011, 05:43 PM
A Norwegian couple, Lars and Greta, which had emigrated to Minnesota in America came to a divorce and eventually ended up in court as they would not agree on what should happen to their children. As a verdict the judge said "Well, Lars, I have decided to let your ex wife Greta keep the children and I have dcided to grant her $500 per month in child support!" Lars thought about this for a moment and replied "Vell, dat is just fine, judge. Every wunce in a while I'll even try to chip in a few bucks myself."

Pensacola Tiger
07-27-2011, 05:53 PM
During a commercial airline flight a man was seated next to a young mother with a baby in her arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The man pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, he responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby... and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The man sadly shook his head, and exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."

Eamon Burke
07-27-2011, 10:21 PM
During a commercial airline flight a man was seated next to a young mother with a baby in her arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The man pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, he responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby... and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The man sadly shook his head, and exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."

rofl! My wife is a vibrant "lactivist" and a talented nursing photographer. I'll tell her this one in a few minutes hahahaha

ajhuff
07-27-2011, 11:33 PM
Aw what the heck. This is my all time favorite joke. I think it is so funny because it is so true. I used to have this posted on the side of my monitor at work.

-AJ

__________________________________________________ ____

While walking down the street one day a lawyer is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

‘Welcome to heaven,’ says St. Peter. ‘Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a lawyer around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.’

‘No problem, just let me in,’ says the lawyer.

‘Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.’

‘Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,’ says the lawyer.

‘I’m sorry, but we have our rules.’

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other people who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises …

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

‘Now it’s time to visit heaven.’

So, 24 hours pass with the lawyer joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

‘Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.’

The lawyer reflects for a minute, then answers: ‘Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.’

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above…

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ‘I don’t understand,’ stammers the lawyer. ‘Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?’

The devil looks at him, smiles and says…….

‘Yesterday we were recruiting. Today you’re hired.’

:devilburn:

steeley
07-28-2011, 02:34 AM
Q: What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

A: Beer nuts will cost you at least one dollar, while deer nuts are always under a buck.

mano
07-28-2011, 05:19 AM
rofl! My wife is a vibrant "lactivist" and a talented nursing photographer.

There's a joke in there somewhere.

In her application to work at a politically liberal nursing home the blonde wrote her qualifications were, "I'm a vibrant lactivist and a talented nursing photographer."

jmforge
07-28-2011, 06:52 PM
A guy is walking down the street in Greenwich Village inthe middle of the dayand as he passes a jazz cafe, he hears this incredible piano music. He goes inside, but only sees the bartender and a rather inebriated looking gentleman sitting at the bar in the front. There is nobody playing the piano,so he figures it is just the stereo. But as his eyes adjust to the darkness, the notices what appears to be a doll about the size of an old GI Joe seated at a toy grand piano up on the bar. When he looks a little closer, he notices, much to his shock, that it is actually a tiny, fully formed man and he is playing the piano. The little guys is just tearing it up on everything from Joplin to Jarrett. The man can't believe what he is seeing. After about 30 minutes, the little guy stops playing, the bartender helps him off the bar and gives him a tiny beer and he runs off to the back of the place. Still in shock, the man sits down at the bar, orders a stiff drink and asks the bartender who the little guy is with. The bartender points at the drunk at the bar who has a beer in one hand and what appears to be an old Arabic style oil lamp in the other. The guy asks the drunk where he found the little guy and the drunk says that he found this lamp in a flea market and when he started polishing it, there was a puff of smoke and a genie popped out and said that he would grant him one wish. Our guy asks if he can try it out and the drunk says sure. Well, just like the drunk said, when he rubbed the lamp, out popped the genie who said that he would grant out guy one wish. Well, the man thought about it and said "I want a million bucks!" The genie waved his hand and all of a sudden, not only the entire bar, but the whole neighborhood is filled with white Peking ducks. The man can
t believe it. he looks at the drunk and says "what the hell is this? I asked for a million bucks and this genie appears to have given me a million DUCKS!!!Is the son of a ***** deaf?" The drunk slowly turns his head and says "I may be a drunk, but did you seriously think that I wished for a 12 inch PIANIST?!?!?!"

SpikeC
07-29-2011, 10:12 PM
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

SpikeC
07-29-2011, 10:13 PM
The invisible man marries the invisible woman. The children weren't much to look at.

SpikeC
07-29-2011, 10:15 PM
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.

Lets have a look at the evidence:



- No Christmas

- No television

-No nude women

- No football

- No pork chops

- No hot dogs

- No burgers

- No beer

- No bacon

- Rags for clothes

- Towels for hats

- Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower

- More than one wife

More than one mother in law

- You can't shave

- Your wife can't shave

- You can't wash off the smell of donkey

- You wipe your ass with your hand

- You cook over burning camel ****

- Your wife is picked by someone else for you

- and your wife smells worse than your donkey

Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"??

Well no **** Sherlock!.... It's not like it could get much worse.

PierreRodrigue
07-29-2011, 10:50 PM
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

PierreRodrigue
07-29-2011, 10:55 PM
Little Johnny likes to gamble.

One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.

Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."

So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."

The teacher says OK, she can handle it.

The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."

She says yes I know who you are.

Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."

The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.

She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.

That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.

So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."

The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."

Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."

jmforge
07-30-2011, 12:37 AM
A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "What is this? A joke?"

jmforge
07-30-2011, 12:41 AM
A young man from the hills of West Virginia married this lovely young girl from the other side of the county. As a gift, both sets of parents chipped in and bought them a little piece of nice bottom land and a trailer. The wedding was a grand affair and the new couple went off to spend their wedding night in their new home. The next morning, the boy's father was awoken from a sound sleep by knocking at the front door. Much to his surprise, his son was standing on the front porch with a suitcase. The father asked what happened and the boys said " Pa, I found out that she was a virgin" The father asked what was wrong with that? The boy responded "Well, if she ain't good enough for her own family, then she sure as hell ain't good enough for ours!!!":eek2::tooth:

Burl Source
07-30-2011, 10:33 PM
Great Jokes everyone!
I will do the drawing for the piece of redwood tomorrow.
I think this should be an ongoing thing with a monthly prize.
.......just to keep the great jokes coming.

Burl Source
07-31-2011, 06:21 PM
I used the random number generator and it selected #20.
Which also happened to be one of the jokes I really enjoyed.
Congratulations Pensacola Tiger
Send me a PM with your mailing address and I will send your prize.

Mike Davis
07-31-2011, 07:18 PM
Congrats! That is a sweeeet piece of wood!
Also, thank you Mark for your continued support and awesome giveaways!

Eamon Burke
07-31-2011, 09:14 PM
Congratulations!

This guy hands out some fine wood!

Pensacola Tiger
07-31-2011, 10:12 PM
Thanks for running the contest, Mark. Run another contest soon, and put some ringed gidgee up as the prize! :wink:

Ratton
08-01-2011, 07:14 AM
Congrats to the winner!! :beer:

Thanks Mark for the contest!!:happy3:

Pensacola Tiger
08-07-2011, 01:35 PM
Mark,

That is one nice block of wood!

Thanks, again for running the contest.

Here's one for free:

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

He found out one day that his father had only a few months to live, and he was going to inherit a fortune. He decided he needed a wife with which to share his
fortune.

One evening at an financial planning meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

He went up to her and introduced himself. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said, "but in just a few months, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.