View Full Version : Weird Wood Contest - 2 Winners Saturday 3/10

Burl Source
03-08-2012, 09:22 PM
These are the only two pieces of weird wood I have like this.
The wood is a stabilized Western Red Cedar bunion type burl.
So instead of selling them I thought I should just give them away in a drawing.
Saturday afternoon I will use the random number generator to select the two winners.
Your post number is your entry for the drawing.

To enter the drawing you can make a post saying I'm in, or something like that.
Only one entry each,
.......Unless you have some good jokes or funny stories.
Then you can enter more than once with each joke you post.
Put each joke in a separate post.


03-08-2012, 09:25 PM
I'm in! ONE funny story to follow.

Hax the Cook CLEAVERS RULE!!! :D

03-08-2012, 09:29 PM
Me to, I'm in!

mr drinky
03-08-2012, 09:45 PM
I'm in.


03-08-2012, 09:56 PM
I'm in.

Eamon Burke
03-08-2012, 09:58 PM
I'm in!

Only one entry each,
.......Unless you have some good jokes or funny stories.
Then you can enter more than once with each joke you post.

*cracks knuckles* Gonna get my joke engine started...

03-08-2012, 10:00 PM
I am in!!!!

03-08-2012, 10:03 PM

Pensacola Tiger
03-08-2012, 10:03 PM
Last week, a lady checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages.

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a silver dollar off his well-oiled bum.

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?". . . . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?"

He answered, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

03-08-2012, 10:03 PM
I am in!

sachem allison
03-08-2012, 10:03 PM
i'm in also. gotta get me some wood. oh wait never mind. i'm still in though.

03-08-2012, 10:22 PM
i'm in also. gotta get me some wood. oh wait never mind. i'm still in though.


Burl Source
03-08-2012, 10:23 PM
Pensacola Tiger's joke had me laughing so loud that the dogs came to my door to make sure I was all right.

Andrew H
03-08-2012, 10:36 PM
I'm in!

03-08-2012, 10:46 PM
I'm in. Cant wait.

03-08-2012, 11:13 PM
I'm in! I don't have any jokes that can follow in the footsteps of that last one, though.

03-08-2012, 11:15 PM
I'm in!

The Edge
03-08-2012, 11:17 PM
I'm in as well!

Pensacola Tiger
03-08-2012, 11:51 PM
A couple drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd.

And looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had been standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

03-09-2012, 12:03 AM
I'm in!

sachem allison
03-09-2012, 12:20 AM
A wealthy Southern couple were driving down a country road when the wife went into labor. They drove to the nearest country doctor. When they arrived there was a rather poor farmer and his pregnant wife also there. As this Dr. saw patients in his home there wasn't any room for the men, so the nursed shooed them out and told them to go smoke or something. The men dutifully left.
The two ladies had to share the same examining room. While the doctor was getting ready the rich lady leans over and says to the poor lady " for my first child my husband bought me a brand new car." The poor lady says " how very, very nice."
"and for my second baby my husband bought me a brand new mink coat."
" How very, very nice."
" and for my third child he bought me this diamond ring."
" how very, very nice!"
The rich lady inquired, " well, what did your husband get you for your first child?"
The farmers wife quietly answered, " well, he sent me to charm school."
" Charm school! That's a strange gift, whatever for?"
The farmer's wife looks up proudly and says " To teach me how to say, How very, very nice, instead of F@%k you, B!+(h!"

Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week.

03-09-2012, 12:25 AM
I'm le in

03-09-2012, 12:26 AM
I'm In

03-09-2012, 12:27 AM
Sven and Ole are walking down the Street and Sven says "Ole, ya know, you an Lena need to start shuttin the blinds when ya get frisky" Ole replies back "vatcha mean Sven?" Ole says "Yust last veek Tuesday, I vas valking my dog and I saw you through your front vindow chasin' Lena neked around the kitchen table." Ole laughs and says "Jokes on you Sven, I vasn't even home last Tuesday night!"

03-09-2012, 12:41 AM
Im in for the wood.

03-09-2012, 12:55 AM
I'm in.

03-09-2012, 01:13 AM
I'm in

03-09-2012, 01:20 AM
I'm in, Thanks :)

03-09-2012, 01:48 AM
I am in

03-09-2012, 01:59 AM
Im IN!

03-09-2012, 02:00 AM
I'm in. Thanks Mark!

03-09-2012, 02:03 AM
I'm in!


03-09-2012, 02:03 AM
Im IN!

SOOOOO!... this is a dirty one ANYWAY! theres this guy that gets tossed in jail. In his cell theres this 300 LB guy that immediately lets him know there is a game called mama and papa and they are going to play it whether he likes it or not. Since its his first day in jail, the 300 LB guy lets him know he is going to cut him a break and let him choose whether he wants to be mama or papa.
The first day inmate says he want's to be PAPA! the 300 LB guy says: "fine with me, come suck mama's D**K.

El Pescador
03-09-2012, 02:23 AM

03-09-2012, 03:11 AM
What's the definition of necrophilia?
Q: What's the definition of necrophilia? A: The urge to crack open a cold one.

he's not well:Stefan:

03-09-2012, 06:21 AM
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

She went back and saw him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said. "I did, and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

I'm in

03-09-2012, 06:28 AM
Cool looking wood, im in.

03-09-2012, 07:01 AM
I'm in. Thanks for the cool contest.

03-09-2012, 08:15 AM
I'm in.

03-09-2012, 09:09 AM
I'm in, thamks for these contests Mark!

Pensacola Tiger
03-09-2012, 09:34 AM
The commanding officer of an Army regiment was about to start the morning briefing to his staff, battalion and company commanders. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure'.

The major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work. The captain said it was 50-50%. The lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the private responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

03-09-2012, 09:47 AM
I am in.

Pensacola Tiger
03-09-2012, 10:42 AM
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?", she says as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

He looks up from his coffee and replies, "I'm just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only sixteen. Do you remember back then?"

The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring and sensitive her husband is. "Yes, I do", she replies.

The husband pauses the words not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for twenty years?"

"I remember that, too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."

Mike Davis
03-09-2012, 11:21 AM
HAHAHAHAHAH!!! That is awesome!!!! I am in!
Ok, did you hear about the guy who walked through a screen door and strained himself?
2 guys walk into a bar. The third guy, seeing his friends on the ground, ducks.
What is the most commonly found thing between an 85 year old womans breats? Her belly button.

Pensacola Tiger
03-09-2012, 11:27 AM
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the wife had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, the husband had never thought about the box, but one day his wife got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the husband took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her to explain.

"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living together. He almost burst with happiness.

"Sweetheart," he said, "That explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "That's the money I made from selling the other dolls."

03-09-2012, 11:31 AM
Ole married an attractive woman, Lena, half his age. After several months, Lena complained that she had never climaxed during sex; and according to her Grandma, all Norwegian farm women are entitled to a climax once in a while. So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the large-animal Vet since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in Minnesota.

The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his Mother and Dad, Olga and Sven, would fan a cow that was having any difficulty birthing a calf to cool her down and make her struggles easier. So, the Vet told them to hire strong, virile, young man to wave a towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to climax.

So the couple hired a young man from the big city of Minneapolis named Lars to wave a towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, still no climax! . They went back to the Vet. The Vet said for Lena to change partners and let Lars have sex with her while Ole waved the towel. They tried it that night and Lena went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one after the other.

When it was over, Ole smugly looked down at Lars and said, "Ya see, city slicker, now THAT's how ya vave a towel!"

03-09-2012, 11:33 AM
Ireland Declares War on France

Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his
telephone rings

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at
the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that
we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big
is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself,
me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team
from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army
waiting to move on my command." "Begorra!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring
you back.

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is
still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Marphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks
and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to
150,000 since we last spoke.""Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have
to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is
still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified
McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and
four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell
you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military
bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And
since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.
Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change
of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and
decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners."

03-09-2012, 11:33 AM
I'm in

03-09-2012, 11:38 AM
A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of 'a house of ill repute' and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'

Of course the Madam said 'No'.

The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.'

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'

He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!'

03-09-2012, 11:52 AM
Shortly after Valentine's Day, 3 ladies met for lunch. They immediately started comparing how their husbands did with their Valentine's Day gifts.

The first lady said "MY husband gave me a full length mink coat!"

The second lady said "MY husband gave me a 5 carat diamond ring!"

The third lady said "MY husband didn't give me a gift. But when he's aroused, 13 parakeets standing side by side can use him as a perch."

The ladies continued eating their lunches, and after a while, the first lady said, "I'm afraid I exaggerated a bit. That mink coat is actually a rabbit fur scarf."

The second lady, feeling guilty, said "I exaggerated, too. That 5-carat diamond is a 1-carat cubic zirconia."

The third lady sighed deeply and admitted, "I exaggerated, too. That 13th parakeet has to stand on one leg."

I'm in.

03-09-2012, 12:00 PM
A little boy and little girl were showing off to each other.

"I've got FIVE marbles!" said the boy.
"Well I've got SEVEN marbles!" said the girl.

"I've got three nickels" said the boy (15 cents, for those of you not in the US).
"I've got 2 dimes!" said the girl (20 cents).

The little boy dropped his pants and waggled his privates. "I've got one of THESE!"
The little girl pulled up her skirt and dropped her panties, and said, "Well I've got one of THESE, and with one of THESE, I can get one of THOSE any time I want!"

03-09-2012, 12:16 PM
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Smith, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Smith had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Smith," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the amazing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screamed, "Smith is dead!"

03-09-2012, 12:20 PM
I'm in - thanks, Mark!

03-09-2012, 12:33 PM
For my birthday, my husband bought me a mood ring. He thought this was a great idea, becasue he would now be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Pensacola Tiger
03-09-2012, 12:37 PM
He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the last 20 years without fail.

This 50th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.

They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high. The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him.

Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes! Yes, I will!"

The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled.

Did she say 'Yes' or did she say 'No'?

He couldn't remember. Try as he could, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.

He remembered asking the question but for the life of him could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her.

First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?”

"Why you silly man! I said, ‘Yes. Yes I will.’ And I meant it with all my heart."

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!”

03-09-2012, 12:52 PM
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because I'm buying horses. I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away."

"Why?" said his father.

"Because the mailman stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom."

03-09-2012, 01:09 PM
It was a few minutes before the church services started, and the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, the devil appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for entrances, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So the devil walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" the devil asked.

"Nope, sure ain't!" said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked the devil.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted the devil.

"Yep" was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked the devil.


More than a little perturbed, the devil asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

Pensacola Tiger
03-09-2012, 04:26 PM
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to use it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn 'girls nights out' have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We will never forget you!'"

03-09-2012, 04:45 PM
Well a Scotsman clad in kilt left a bar on evening fair
And one could tell by how we walked that he drunk more than his share
He fumbled round until he could no longer keep his feet
Then he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
He stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street

About that time two young and lovely girls just happend by
And one says to the other with a twinkle in her eye
See yon sleeping Scotsman so strong and handsome built
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt

They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be
Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see
And there behold, for them to see, beneath his Scottish skirt
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth

They marveled for a moment, then one said we must be gone
Let's leave a present for our friend, before we move along
As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon, tied into a bow
Around the bonnie star, the Scots kilt did lift and show
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
Around the bonnie star, the Scots kilt did lift and show

Now the Scotsman woke to nature's call and stumbled towards a tree
Behind a bush, he lift his kilt and gawks at what he sees
And in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes.
O lad I don't know where you been but I see you won first prize
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
O lad I don't know where you been but I see you won first prize

03-09-2012, 04:49 PM
An American, an Englishman and an Irishman stop at a bar for a pint. The barkeep pours them up and gives them to the gents, at the same time three flies fly into each man's pint. The englishman, a proper gentleman calls the bartender over and kindly asks for a new pint, the American disinterestedly sticks his finger in his beer and flicks away the fly. The Irishman gingerly lifts the fly out of the pint and lays it in his palm, then gets angry and starts screaming at the fly "Spit it out ya bastad, spit it out!"

03-09-2012, 04:56 PM
The god Thor visited earth looking for a little action. He spied a lovely young shepherd girl, took her to a nearby barn, and made mad, passionate love to her all night long. The next morning, wanting her to know that she'd been favored by a god, he looked tenderly into her eyes and said, "My dear, I'm Thor." To which she exclaimed, "YOU'RE thore! I'm tho thore I can'th pith!"

03-09-2012, 04:58 PM
New Mexico Chili Cookoff
This is an account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico .
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza . Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .
Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3.'
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

Judge # 1-- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2-- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank)-- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.


Judge # 1-- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2-- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Judge # 1-- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2-- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3-- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.


Judge # 1-- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2-- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3-- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?


Judge # 1-- Meaty, strong chili,peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2-- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3-- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.


Judge # 1-- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Goodbalance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2-- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3-- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.


Judge # 1-- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2-- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3-- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


Judge # 1-- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3-- No report.

03-09-2012, 05:01 PM
The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska.

He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Viking fan wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Go Vikes Go' hat and a “Vikings rule” shirt.
The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about, and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Packers fans wearing 'Super Bowl Bound' shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Viking fan from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three Packer fans finished off the grizzly. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Viking fan in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of the men over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Packer fans and Viking fans, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one Packer’s fan asked his buddies, "Who the heck was that guy?"

"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the Packer fan said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to Minnesota and get another one?"

03-09-2012, 06:03 PM
I'm in!

HHH Knives
03-09-2012, 06:06 PM
Weird wood!!! Im IN! Thanks for the chance!!!

Pensacola Tiger
03-09-2012, 06:15 PM
A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.

"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."

"This one's kind of strange..."

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."

"I see."

"That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl. Last night," she went on, "I went again and, plink-plink-plink, there were dimes, and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me! I'm scared out of my wits!"

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about. You're simply going through the change."

Pensacola Tiger
03-09-2012, 06:21 PM
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, "What good will Viagra do for him, doctor"?

The doctor replied, "It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs."

03-09-2012, 07:06 PM
I guess I'll be in!

03-09-2012, 07:08 PM
A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says to him,"do you know that there is a drink names after you?" And the grasshopper says "you mean there is a drink named Howard?"

03-09-2012, 07:20 PM
A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says to him,"do you know that there is a drink names after you?" And the grasshopper says "you mean there is a drink named Howard?"

You had to start the "walks into a bar".

A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Hey buddy! Why the long face?"

03-09-2012, 07:26 PM
A duck waddles into a bar, and the bartender says "what will you have?" The duck says "Gimme a grape." The bartender tells the duck he doesn't have any grapes, and the duck waddles out.

Five minutes later, the duck waddles back up to the bar and says "Gimme a grape!" The bartender says, "I told you, I don't have any grapes." The duck waddles out.

Five minutes later, the duck waddles back up to the bar and says "Gimme a grape!" The bartender says, "I TOLD you, I don't have any grapes. If you ask me again, I'm going to nail your bill to the bar." The duck waddles out.

Five minutes later, the duck waddles back up to the bar and says "Gimme a Nail!" The bartender says, "I don't have any nails." and the duck says......"Gimme a grape!"

03-09-2012, 07:59 PM
NASCAR News feed:

Jeff Gordon announced today that he was firing his entire pit crew.

This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President Obama's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew took 8 seconds with thousands of dollars of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team, as most races are won or lost in the pits.

However, Gordon got more than he bargained for. At the crews first practice, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds, they changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt Jr. for ten cases of Budweiser, a bag of weed, and some photos of Gordon's wife in the shower.

03-09-2012, 08:26 PM
I'll confess,
I ended up with an older woman at a bar last night.
She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all,
and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a couple of beers,
and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?
'What's that? I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
As my mind began to embrace the idea,
and I wondered what her daughter might look like,
I said, 'No, I haven't.'
We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink,
'tonight's your lucky night'.
We went back to her place.
We walked in.
She locked the front door, put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:
'Mom...you still awake?'

03-09-2012, 09:19 PM
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A female cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." The man wasn't familiar with the phrase, so he went on his way feeling a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping. He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door". Planning to have a little fun with her, he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?" The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.

Pensacola Tiger
03-09-2012, 10:37 PM
If a man speaks in a forest and his wife isn't there to hear him, is he still wrong?

Pensacola Tiger
03-09-2012, 10:38 PM
A bus full of politicians was speeding down a country road when it swerved into a field and crashed into a tree. The farmer who owned the field went over to investigate. Then he dug a hole and buried the politicians.

A few days later the sheriff drove by and saw the overturned bus. He knocked on the farmhouse door and asked where all the politicians had gone. The farmer said he had buried them. "They were all dead?" the sheriff asked.

"Well, some of them said they weren't," replied the farmer, "but you know how politicians lie."

Pensacola Tiger
03-09-2012, 10:45 PM
A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog for Sale'. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

The lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services ... the United States Marine Corps ... you know one of their nicknames is 'The Devil Dogs'.

"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders;because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger.

"So, I decided to settle down. I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff. He was in the Navy!"

Pensacola Tiger
03-09-2012, 10:47 PM
Three men were traveling in Europe and happened to meet at a bar in London. One man was from England, one from France and one from Canada. They got acquainted and started talking about their problems with their wives.

The guy from England began by saying: "I told my wife in no uncertain terms that from now on she would have to do the cooking. Well the first day after I told her, I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home from work, the table was set, a wonderful dinner was prepared with wine and even dessert."

Then the man from France spoke up: "I sat my wife down and told her, that from now on she would have to do all the shopping, and also do the cleaning. The first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home, the whole house was spotless, and in the pantry the shelves were filled with groceries.

The fellow from Canada was married to an enlightened woman from the prairies... He sat up straight on the bar stool, pushed out his chest and said: "I gave my wife a stern look and told her, that from now on she would have to do the cooking, shopping and housecleaning. Well the first day I saw nothing. The second day I still saw nothing. But on the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye ..."

Pensacola Tiger
03-09-2012, 10:50 PM
Harlow was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store. At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on another customer. When Carl was finished, Mary asked "How much for the teapot?" Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $300!"

"My goodness, that sure is a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Harlow had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store.

03-10-2012, 12:08 AM
Very cooL!

Thanks, I am in...

03-10-2012, 12:17 AM
A chicken and a horse lived on a farm, and they were best friends. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. The horse frantically whinnied for the chicken to fetch the farmer and a tractor to rescue him. Off ran the chicken to the farm, where he searched and searched for the farmer, but the farmer had gone to town on the only tractor. Finally, the chicken spied the farmer's new BMW Z3 convertible with the keys in the ignition. The chicken grabbed a length of rope and sped back to the bog.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised to see the chicken arrive in a shiny new BMW. The chicken tossed the end of the rope to the horse, and after tying the other end to the BMW's rear towing-loop, the chicken drove slowly forward and, lo and behold, he rescued the horse!

The chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a deep mud puddle and began to sink. He clucked out to the horse to rescue him. The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the mud puddle. He told the chicken to grab his willy, and he would lift him out. The chicken got a good grip and the horse pulled him up and out, saving the chicken's life.

The moral of the story? When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

Line cooked
03-10-2012, 12:18 AM
I am in

03-10-2012, 12:20 AM
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her prayers
roused Jake from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Becky," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Rest.
Shhh, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice "I have something I must confess to you." There's nothing to confess," replied
the weeping Becky. "Everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best
friend, and your Mother!" "I know" Becky whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you."

03-10-2012, 12:25 AM
I went fishing this morning. After a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and I thought to myself "Frogs are good bass bait."

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten. So I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back and he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake, this time with two frogs in his mouth.

03-10-2012, 12:31 AM
Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

One leaned over the other and said, "Crimony sakes! Life is boring. We never have any fun these days. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through the darned flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old fellow, holding up five dollars.

As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes, and while completely naked, streaked through the front door of the town hall.

His friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by a loud roar of applause. The streaker burst back out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd. Hurriedly, he ran over to his eager buddy.

"Wow, what happened?" asked his friend.

"It was great!" he said, "I won first prize for best dried arrangement!"

03-10-2012, 12:32 AM
Q: What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?

A: Shoot him again.

03-10-2012, 12:39 AM
Knock knock
Who's there?
Your pimp
Pimp who?
Open the door *****

Btw this is not my fault was making strange knock jokes a while back with my wife out of boredom. When I did this one my wife wouldn't stop laughing. She told me I should post this.

03-10-2012, 12:42 AM
A fire fighter is working outside the station when he notices a little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides, a garden hose coiled in the middle, and wearing a fire fighter's helmet coming his way.

The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter takes a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks," the girl says. The fire fighter notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

l r harner
03-10-2012, 12:49 AM
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that's when the fight started....

03-10-2012, 12:54 AM
Shaun is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:


He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and he drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says:


Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real......Then he drives past a third sign saying:


His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small
sign next to a door reading:


He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

Shaun is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells Shaun , "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and another nun dressed in a long habit and holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:


03-10-2012, 01:08 AM
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said,"stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby
oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder."Don't move untilI tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

03-10-2012, 01:54 AM
Two statues stood in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years. One day an angel came down from the sky and with a single gesture gave them flesh brought the two to life. The angel told them, "As a reward for waiting so patiently for each other through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most. You are now a man and a woman--make the most of it."

The former statues gave each other a sly look, held hands and ran off behind the shrubbery.

The angel waited patiently through the sound of giggling and rustling bushes. After fifteen minutes, the two returned, out of breath and laughing. The angel blushed and said, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left. Would you care to do it again?"

The man asked the woman "Shall we?" She eagerly replied, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions."

"This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you sh*t on its head."

03-10-2012, 03:22 AM
Q. What sexual position guarantees the ugliest baby?A. Go ask your mother.

03-10-2012, 03:36 AM
Two women are riding bikes to a friend’s house when it starts to get dark.

“I’ve never come this way before,” says one of the women.

“Me neither,” says the other woman. “I think it’s the cobblestones.”

03-10-2012, 07:59 AM
Pork chop walks into a bar. Bartender says I'm sorry, we don't serve food! :biggrin: Okay, that doesn't count! There we go, chefs-right hand to God, left hand on mom's ashes.

When I was working in Bermuda I had a serious fall that involved being in intensive care at the main (only!) Hospital for 31 days, followed with a two month period of recuperation at home before I returned to work out my contract. After I came back, everyone was glad to see me but everyone kept saying "Don't tell Chef what happened to Thong Chai B, one of our prep cooks in our Chinese restaurant." It became obvious that he had some sort of medical condition where he had missed 3 days work-unheard of in our Chinese restaurant. Management there was adamant about threatening everyone "Don't tell Chef what happened to Bird".

I had a good relationship with the intensive care unit staff at Kings Memorial Hospital, having come out of a coma and having going through memory retrieval with the people there. (By the way, if you ever want to know how good American medical staff is get injured overseas!) One of the orderlies there told me Thong Chai B had suffered complications from attempting to circumcise himself! :shocked3:

Okay. There are cultural factors at work here-circumcision is something that we take for granted in the WEst. There is also a gender factor involved, as the general manager of the company was female and discussion of such a manner with a "round eye" woman violated several tenets of Guanxi, this complicated social protocol that the Oriental staff operated under-plus, it would be embarrassing for ME to talk to Janet about this. The funny part is, the insurance would have covered it!

Okay, I understand his motivation. You make a decision that you want to have the procedure, decide that you have to do it yourself, and summon up the courage to proceed.
You decide on your location, and get your Band-Aids and disinfectant together. Then you pick up your petty knife....
:O:bigeek::dazed::eek2::shocked3::butbutbut::censo red::scared1::help4::yuck::pullhair::scared2:
No, you lost me! The real question is being Oriental, how serious could it have been! :pirate1:

Hax the Cook CLEAVERS RULE!!! :D

Pensacola Tiger
03-10-2012, 09:33 AM
A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."

The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry."

Pensacola Tiger
03-10-2012, 09:42 AM
A college professor was wrapping up her class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. She said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher looked over at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

03-10-2012, 10:52 AM
funny jokes, im in!

03-10-2012, 10:53 AM
An American on a tour of Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking dish being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, it smelled wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "Why not, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. But if you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save it for you."

The next morning, the American returned and placed his order. That evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

He took a few bites, and after inspecting the contents of his platter, he called the waiter over and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

Eamon Burke
03-10-2012, 01:24 PM
You folks are killing me! This thread is great! I've spent too much time reading to post any jokes!

James and Frank had been carpooling for a few weeks, and got to know each other pretty well. One afternoon on the way home, James looked out his passenger window and saw two dogs engaged in coitus. He turned to Frank and said "What the hell are those dogs doing? Are they fighting?"

Frank did a double take and said "No! They're screwing! Haven't you ever heard of doggy style??"

James stared blankly, so Frank said "Ok look--tonight, take your wife out salsa dancing. You buy her 3 margaritas, go home, and do that. You're going to love it."

The next morning, Frank picked up a slightly hungover James and said "Well?? How did it go?"

"It was great! But it took 6 margartias before she'd have sex on the lawn."

Eamon Burke
03-10-2012, 01:31 PM
Knock knock
Who's there?
Your pimp
Pimp who?
Open the door *****

That is damn funny! I will be remembering this one.

A redneck is walking down the street carrying a hog that had clearly had a life of pampering and care.

A passer-by said "Wow, that's quite a specimen! Where'd you get it?"

The hog said "I won him in an auction."

03-10-2012, 01:43 PM
A man is walking down the beach and sees a woman with no arms or legs crying so he says why are you crying, she replies that she is very lonely and has never been touched by a man before, so he sits down and starts rubbing her shoulders. A couple minutes later she is sobbing a little still and she says she has never been kissed by a man before. So the man leans over and gives her a kiss, a few minutes later she says one last thing please and states that she has never been screwed by a man before....So he looks left and right, picks her up and carries her to the ocean - throws her in and says "Now your screwed"

03-10-2012, 01:53 PM
I was standing at the bar and this Chinese guy comes in and stands next to me....
I said to him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Jujitsu? or Judo?"
He says "No, why the fluck you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee"?
"No", I said.... "It's because you're drinking my beer you a#$hole".

03-10-2012, 01:55 PM
Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:

You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish

03-10-2012, 02:02 PM
Ole and Lena were out walking and Lena clutched her heart and fell to the sidewalk. Ole got out his cell phone and called 9-1-1.
The Operator said "Where are you?"
Ole answered, "We were walking and Lena is on the sidewalk on Eucalyptus Street."
The operator asked, "How do you spell that?" The phone seemed to go dead. The operator kept shouting for Ole. She could hear him panting. He finally came back on line and said, "I dragged her over to Oak Street, that's O-A-K."

03-10-2012, 02:04 PM
Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?"
Ole replied, "No, I'm Norvegian and my name ain't Valter."

03-10-2012, 02:06 PM
Okay last one and I'm done till next time

The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged nonsupport.
He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support."
"Vell, dat's fine, Judge," smiled Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks, myself."

Pensacola Tiger
03-10-2012, 02:09 PM
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with it?"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this - when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better - your ear or your finger?"

Pensacola Tiger
03-10-2012, 02:13 PM
A woman rushes into her house one morning and yells to her husband, "Sam, pack up your stuff. I just won the lottery!"

"Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"

"Whatever. Just so you're out of the house by noon!"

03-10-2012, 02:16 PM
My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed.. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying,*”Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And then the fight started….

03-10-2012, 02:22 PM
A man was driving in the countryside and saw a farmer walking along the road with a 3-legged pig. Curious, he stopped to ask the farmer about the animal.

"Oh", the farmer said, "this is no ordinary pig! He was the runt of the litter and we raised him in the house like a baby. My wife fed him with a baby bottle, and the children dressed him in doll clothes and played tea party with this pig. He's been one of the family. Why, one night he saved our lives! There was a fire while we were asleep, and this brave pig ran from room to room and woke us all, and we escaped the burning house without a scratch! This is one fine pig!"

"What happened to his leg?" the man asked. "Did he lose it in the fire?"

"Oh, no" the farmer replied. "He survived the fire just fine. But a special animal like this, why, you just can't eat him all at once!"

I'm done. Gotta go make some lasagna.

Pensacola Tiger
03-10-2012, 02:46 PM
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had had. He said, "Oh the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." The she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"

Pensacola Tiger
03-10-2012, 02:53 PM
Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital. The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the eulogy, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Fred died. He said, "You know, Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "You're standing on my oxygen tube!"

03-10-2012, 03:30 PM
Im in if it isnt too late

03-10-2012, 05:42 PM
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

03-10-2012, 05:42 PM
What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

03-10-2012, 05:43 PM
Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

03-10-2012, 05:43 PM
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops

03-10-2012, 05:46 PM
Doctor how do I live to be a hundred?
The doctor says you have to quit drinking, smoking, and chasing women.
If it do that will I live to be a hundred?
The doctor said I don't know, but it will sure feel like it.

03-10-2012, 05:50 PM
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

03-10-2012, 05:51 PM
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea .

03-10-2012, 05:51 PM
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

03-10-2012, 05:52 PM
An elderly man and woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine
restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away,
suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the
table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out
of sight under the table. She feared he had suffered a heart attack or
stroke and the woman hadn't noticed.

Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her
dining companion had disappeared.

The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me,
ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just
walked in the door."

03-10-2012, 06:38 PM
I know, I was done, but hubby sent me this one...

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday after noon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

Burl Source
03-10-2012, 06:56 PM
I will do the drawing at about 5PM PST.

Pensacola Tiger
03-10-2012, 07:10 PM
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

Pensacola Tiger
03-10-2012, 07:40 PM
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.

Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

"I'm 90 years old," he says.

"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"

"Oh, sorry," says the old man, "how much do I owe you?"

Eamon Burke
03-10-2012, 07:44 PM
Ok this is a culturally offensive joke, but you could replace them with anything. This is just how I've heard it.

A Mexican, an Irishman and a Pole are working on a high-rise building and stop to eat lunch. They open up their lunches and all collectively let out a sigh--Carne Asada, Corned Beef, and Kielbasa, respectively.

The Mexican says "That woman! Every day this month, it's Carne Asada! If I get Carne Asada for lunch one more day, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Irishman says "You? I've had Corned Beef for lunch AND dinner 4 times a week for 2 years! If I see this in here tomorrow, I'll jump too!"

The Pole says "You think you've got it bad? I've had Kielbasa every day since I started working here. If something doesn't change, I'm jumping too!"

The next day, they open up their lunches, and sure enough, same old, same old. They all shake hands and jump to their deaths.

At the funeral, the wives are consoling each other, and the Mexican wife says tearfully "I had no idea! He never complained! I'd have made him Migas or Enchiladas!"

The Irish wife says between sobs "I didn't think he actually was eating it! I would have given him money to buy his own lunch!"

They both look to the Pole's wife and she says "Well, don't look at me. He made his own lunches."

03-10-2012, 07:49 PM
I'm in, hope not too late though.

Pensacola Tiger
03-10-2012, 07:53 PM
After 40 years as a gynecologist, John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love, auto mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied hard.

The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted.

The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John spoke to his professor after class. "I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?"

The professor replied, "I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the muffler."

03-10-2012, 08:01 PM
Thirteen pages and no blonde jokes?

Why don't blondes like to make chocolate chip cookies?

Takes too long to peel the M&Ms.

03-10-2012, 08:24 PM
A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head.

The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something."

The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."

03-10-2012, 08:25 PM
A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."

Bartender: "Yeah! Sure...go ahead."

Man: "What covers a house?"

Dog: "Roof!"

Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"

Dog: "Rough!"

Man: "Who was the greatest ball player of all time?"

Dog: "Ruth!"

Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."

The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"

03-10-2012, 08:28 PM
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

03-10-2012, 08:41 PM
At a wine merchant the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.

The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.
They gave him a glass to drink.
He tried it and said, "It's a Muscat , three Years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers". Low grade but acceptable.
"That's correct", said the boss.
Another glass....
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.."
A third glass...
''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished and found it hard to believe let alone accept.
He winked at his secretary to suggest something.
She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it.
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father.."

03-10-2012, 08:43 PM
I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few
seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, my wife is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yelled to me,
'You need a piece of tail.'

I turned with a confused look on my face and said,
'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'

03-10-2012, 08:45 PM
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: ; It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

Burl Source
03-10-2012, 09:03 PM
I went to Random.org and used their random number generator to pick the winning numbers.

The first number selected was #59
The second number selected was #10

I haven't looked to see who made those posts yet,
but congratulations.......whoever you are.

If you are one of the winners, send me a PM with your mailing address and I will mail you your block.

Thanks for all the entries and all the great jokes.
I had fun. My boss thinks I am funny and the shop dogs are a little worried about me from all the laughing out loud.

Eamon Burke
03-10-2012, 09:23 PM
Congrats, DeepCSweede and Deckhand!

Remember pics of the stuff when you use it is mandatory!

03-10-2012, 09:27 PM
Woo Hoo!!!:dance::dance::dance:
Thank you!!!

03-10-2012, 09:28 PM
Wait! There must be some sort of mistake! I was SURE that I was gonna win this one!!!
Butt congrats to the guys that did win, and condolences to Lucretia for all of her hard work!

03-10-2012, 09:31 PM
So no more jokes? Bummer. :(

Congratulations to the winners and many thanks to Mark for sponsoring the contest.

Burl Source
03-10-2012, 09:36 PM
Wait! There must be some sort of mistake! I was SURE that I was gonna win this one!!!
Butt congrats to the guys that did win, and condolences to Lucretia for all of her hard work!

I never knew Scientists could be so funny!
I keep telling the "Mood Ring" joke over and over.
Great Jokes everyone.

Pensacola Tiger
03-10-2012, 09:43 PM
Congratulations to the winners!

03-10-2012, 09:47 PM
Gratz guys

03-10-2012, 11:21 PM
Just trying to keep up with Pensacola Tiger! Man, those were some old chestnuts.

Now I'm crabby since I didn't win. Gotta find my mood ring...there it is!....oh SWEETIE! Where ARE you???? :angry1:

Pensacola Tiger
03-11-2012, 12:03 AM
Just trying to keep up with Pensacola Tiger! Man, those were some old chestnuts.

Now I'm crabby since I didn't win. Gotta find my mood ring...there it is!....oh SWEETIE! Where ARE you???? :angry1:

I had to dig way back in my email archives for some of those "moldy oldies". OK, Mark, when's the next contest?


Line cooked
03-11-2012, 01:07 AM
Congrats gents...Glad thats over now I have an excuse to buy

Burl Source
03-11-2012, 12:17 PM
I had to dig way back in my email archives for some of those "moldy oldies". OK, Mark, when's the next contest?

We still have the photo contest drawing at the end of the month.
Lucretia could post her Bill Burke knife there to enter that contest since the Tasmanian Blackwood came from me.
I think she built up a lot of good contest karma with all her great jokes.

Mike Davis
03-11-2012, 02:22 PM
Congrats guys, but i have no intention of stopping!!!!
A man said to his wife, "Dear, do you hear that? No one whining, moaning or complaining. The sound of silence. It is a beautiful thing, don't you agree?" He then placed her Urn back on the fireplace mantel and sat by the fire with his scotch.

A man was walking his dog through the cemetary, when he noticed a guy crouched by a tombstone. He said "Morning". The guy said "Nope, taking a poop, but thanks for the concern."

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading. "This is the pig i have sex with." His wife say's,"I think you will find that is a sheep." To which he replies, "I think you will find i was talking to the sheep."

03-11-2012, 03:00 PM
A good old boy is having a few cold ones in the Tap Room in Princeton, New Jersey. Hearing the call of nature, he turns to the chap next to him and asks, "hey buddy, can you tell me where the men's room is at?"

"My dear fellow," replies his neighbor at the bar, "we here at Princeton, do not end our sentences with prepositions."

"Well imagine my embarrassment," replies our southern friend. "Please allow me to rephrase my question. Can you tell me where the men's room is at, comma, ass hole?"

03-12-2012, 10:51 AM
Thanks Mark!!!

Thanks to all for participating - got some good chuckles in - And Thanks to the Scotsman for winning first prize - (See post #59), that was kind of fitting.

WooHoo! :bliss:

03-12-2012, 11:35 AM
Congrats guys!! I had a great time reading the jokes!

03-22-2012, 09:41 AM
Just an update - My Shig 240 Kitaeji gyuto along with the block from Mark is on its way to Marko.

04-30-2012, 10:51 AM
Some completed custom work. All are Shigefusa knives.



Here is the finished product on my Shig - Thank you Mark and Marko