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View Full Version : Tell a Joke to Enter Contest 2 Winners - 9/15 Drawing



Burl Source
09-08-2012, 09:36 PM
The prize for this contest is a block of Stabilized **** ***** Burl. There will be 2 winners.
Since these are my only two pieces of this wood, it makes more sense to give them away than to sell them. If you don't use them for a knife handle they make a good paperweight, chewy toy (Spike) or ???? I'm just doing this for new jokes.

http://i901.photobucket.com/albums/ac219/burlsource/apr12/003-19.jpg

Here is how the contest works.
To make an entry into the contest just post a joke in this thread and guess what type of wood this is.
Make a separate post for each Joke. The post number of your joke is your entry number.
The more jokes you post the better your chance of winning.

On the 15th I will use the random number generator to select the winning numbers.
There will be 2 numbers selected. 1st number gets the bigger block.
I will pay for the shipping to wherever the winners live.

This is a contest where everyone wins.
Even if you don't win a prize you still get to enjoy the jokes.
Really good jokes and Really dumb ones have an equal chance of winning.

SpikeC
09-08-2012, 09:38 PM
Are politically incorrect jokes allowed?

Burl Source
09-08-2012, 09:39 PM
Are politically incorrect jokes allowed?
They are encouraged as long as you don't make the mods mad at you.

The Edge
09-08-2012, 09:47 PM
Guy walks into a bar on the second floor of a building. Sits down at the bar, and orders a drink. Man next to him starts talking to him about the properties of drinking beer, and tells the guy if he drinks enough, the gas bubbles will make him weightless. Guy looks at him, almost laughs, and is like yeah right. The drunkard picks up on this, and says, "Oh yeah, I'll prove it to you!! Just buy me a drink, and I'll float right out that window!" Guy is like, "sure, bartender, get this man another beer." Thinking at least he'll get to see some idiot fall out of the window. Man gets the beer, chugs it in a matter of seconds, walks over to the window, and floats out... The guy's jaw drops, he can't help start jumping around screaming, "holy crap, did you just see that!" Other guy comes walking back up the stairs, and is quickly greeted by the other one with, "Do that again!! Bartender, get this man another beer!" Other man doesn't disappoint, downs the beer, and floats out the window again. As the night goes on, and the new guy keeps seeing this happen, he gets drunk enough he thinks he can do the trick himself. Orders a beer from the bar, downs it, goes over to the window, and falls to the ground in a THUD! Bartender just looks at the other guy, and says, "Superman, you can be such an ass when you're drunk!"

Cutty Sharp
09-08-2012, 09:58 PM
Nice idea for a giveaway but, shoot, can't think of a good joke right now. Maybe later!

NO ChoP!
09-08-2012, 10:16 PM
Rock maple...

Why do the hipsters not excel in the martial arts?
They cannot get passed the white belt.....

SpikeC
09-08-2012, 10:25 PM
What is the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels?

chinacats
09-08-2012, 10:29 PM
tiger maple burl?

what did the digital clock say to it's mom?

look ma, no hands

Burl Source
09-08-2012, 10:33 PM
a hint on the wood.
Many of the groves in California are being removed as the land is being developed.
When you sand the wood it smells like the fruit from the tree.

Burl Source
09-08-2012, 10:34 PM
What is the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels?
I don't know, what?

knyfeknerd
09-08-2012, 10:35 PM
I guess it's rock maple, at least it looks a lot like it.

What's brown and floats through walls?
SPOOKY DOOKIE!!!

yeah sorry, that's really the only PG rated joke I've got.

bikehunter
09-08-2012, 10:37 PM
Maple. this is old but still one of my favorites.


A blind man enters a lady's bar by mistake. Finding his way to the bar, he orders a drink. After a few drinks he yells, "Does anybody want to hear a blonde joke?"

The place gets silent. Then a woman with a deep, husky voice sitting to the right of the man says, "Sir, since you are blind, I think it is only fair to let you know that

The bartender is a blonde woman.

The bouncer is a blonde woman.

The woman on your left is blonde and a professional wrestler.

I'm a six foot tall blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

The woman next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

Do you still want to tell that joke?"

"Well, **** no," says the man. "Not if I'm gonna have to explain it FIVE times."

Burl Source
09-08-2012, 10:39 PM
Here is a riddle for a five year old.
Q: why is six afraid of seven
A: because seven eight nine

chinacats
09-08-2012, 10:47 PM
orange tree burl?

why was the computer geek disappointed at the zoo?

he couldn’t find any ram

apicius9
09-08-2012, 10:48 PM
Well, if you give it away in hints, I'll say grapefruit.

An old one: The phone rings at the bar owner's place at 11am and wakes the guy after a long night."What!?" "Oh, I just wanted to know when your bar opens." asks a guy who clearly already had a few drinks too many. "And you wake me up for that? - At 9pm!", hangs up. Around 2pm, the phone rings again. "Hey, when dss your llttle baar open?" - Same guy clearly wasted. "At 9pm, I told you before!" screams the bar owner and hangs up. Phone rings again at 5pm: "Heeelloo, whe - oops - wheen dss your nice lttle bar open?" - the guy can hardly speak anymore. "I told you, at 9pm, but as wasted as you are, there is no way I will let you in!" Says the bar owner. "Whadda you mean 'in' - want out!" says the guy...

Stefan

chinacats
09-08-2012, 10:51 PM
avocado tree burl?


what's orange and sounds like a parrot?

a carrot...

kalaeb
09-08-2012, 11:06 PM
Little johnny was in first grade and asked to do a show and tell. He forgot to bring anything with him, so he went up to the front of the class, grabbed the chalk, and put a dot on the board. The teacher asked him what it was, and why it was important. Little Johnny replied, its a period. Darned if I know why it is important, but it must be because when my sister told my parents she missed hers, my mom passed out and my dad had a heart attack.

kalaeb
09-08-2012, 11:08 PM
What did the math book say to the pencil?



"I have alot of problems".

sachem allison
09-08-2012, 11:11 PM
What two things in the air gets a blonde pregnant?........Her legs!.

SpikeC
09-08-2012, 11:11 PM
Olive, of course!

tkern
09-08-2012, 11:25 PM
Flamed Orange Piranah maple wood.


A bear walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender and says "Can I have a gin........ and tonic?"

The Bartender goes "Sure but why the big pause?"

The bear lifts his paws and says "Oh these, I've had them all my life."

tkern
09-08-2012, 11:35 PM
How many hipsters does it take to turn a light bulb?

Its an obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.

JasonD
09-09-2012, 04:41 AM
An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he
called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is
it or the express degree you told me about?"

"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon,
why do you want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business! Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer
was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and
it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the
lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late,
tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before
you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said,
"One less lawyer . . ."


Looks like olive wood to me!

Mr.Magnus
09-09-2012, 05:39 AM
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

steeley
09-09-2012, 05:57 AM
orange mallee ?

An old man goes to a Social Security office to apply for benefits but forgets his ID. The social worker says, "Just unbutton your shirt."

The old man complies, and the social worker says, "The gray chest hairs are all the proof I need," and gives him his check.

The man tells his wife, who responds, "If you'd dropped your pants, you'd have gotten disability, too!

Dusty
09-09-2012, 06:33 AM
This one needs to be read aloud.

Why do you only have one egg for breakfast in France?

Because in France, one egg is un oeuf.

knyfeknerd
09-09-2012, 08:27 AM
Why do blondes wear panties?
To keep their ankles warm.

El Pescador
09-09-2012, 11:17 AM
Almond?

Two fish in a tank. First says to the second "can you drive this thing?"

sachem allison
09-09-2012, 05:10 PM
eucalyptus

stevenStefano
09-09-2012, 05:35 PM
My wife asked me to show her a good time

So I showed her a picture of me and my mates before I got married

Cutty Sharp
09-09-2012, 06:22 PM
My guess'd be olive wood.

And a joke:

3 students - a Korean, a New Zealander, and a Japanese - find some summer work at a building site. The next morning the US boss looks at them sternly and points to a huge pile of dirt. 'Listen, guys! Today yer gonna move all that!' He points at the Korean, 'You! Yer job is ta haul that away!' Then the Kiwi, 'Yer bigger, so yer gonna be shovellin.' Then, finally he looks at the Japanese, Kato, and booms, 'You, I think you'd be bedder at organizin so yer gonna be in charge of gettin the supplies!' Kato shouts out 'HAI!' and bows in solemn agreement. 'Oh, and one more thing,' bellows the boss, 'I'm gonna come back and check on y'all at 3 and I don't wanna see no more dirt left or else, ya got it?' and then he storms off.

... Later at 3, the boss returns and turns absolutely livid when he sees that the pile has not even been touched! He looks around and finds the Korean. 'What the HELL have you been doin?' he demands, 'You were supposed to haul this sh!t away!' The Korean responds, 'Pery, pery sorry, poss, put I hapu no wheelparrow!' The boss then searches more and spots the Kiwi who tells him something similar: 'Rilly sorry, mate, but I couldn't git a shovil from the Japanese bloke. Havint seen him all die!' Remembering that he'd put the Japanese in charge of supplies, the boss goes off to find Kato who is still nowhere to be seen. He looks and looks everywhere around the site, and is almost ready to give up, when suddenly Kato jumps out from behind the pile and screams: 'サップライス!!!!!' (SUPRISE!!!!!)

SpikeC
09-09-2012, 06:33 PM
3 blonds wok into a bar............ and order an olive (wood you believe?)

JasonD
09-09-2012, 11:36 PM
Bus of tourists taking a tour around Rome and there's a Franciscan brother on the bus.
The monk gets to talking to some of the folks there and turns out his brotherhood runs a classic English fish and chips joint in the city.

So some wise guy says to him "Let me guess, you're the Fish Friar."

And he says "Nah, I'm the Chip Monk"

Still think it's Olive..

steeley
09-10-2012, 01:55 AM
avocado wood

Two old men were sitting on a front porch just watching life pass by. Suddenly, a Great Dane walks across their front lawn. The dog stops, lays down, and begins licking itself.

The first old man says, “Boy, I sure wish I could do that.”

The other old man says, “I don’t know. If I were you, I’d try petting him first.

Namaxy
09-10-2012, 11:11 AM
I'll go with olive wood.

How do you get three old ladies to say the F-word?

Have the fourth one yell BINGO!

Lucretia
09-10-2012, 11:32 AM
Hope this one won't upset the moderators...

So many different phrases become a regular part of the language. Here's the origin of one of them:

George Washington was rowing across the Delaware River with his troops. It was the middle of winter, and in the dark and cold, Captain Peters fell overboard and was lost. The troops finally made it to shore, cold, tired, and demoralized. Realizing he had to take action to uplift the spirits of his men, Washington spied a nearby bordello, marched over and rapped sharply on the door. When the madam answered, Washington said, "We are cold, tired, and in need of comfort. Can you accommodate my troops?" The madam asked "How many men do you have?" Washington replied, "I have 32 men without Peters", and the madam coined the famous phrase....

"You gotta be s****ing me!


(Olive)

Pensacola Tiger
09-10-2012, 12:23 PM
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor in Kerby, Oregon, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "hemorrhoids".

(Olivewood)

Zwiefel
09-10-2012, 12:45 PM
two atoms went bar hopping. after getting quite drunk and being kicked out of the last bar, they were walking down the street when one of them began patting himself quite frantically. The other one asked what was wrong. The first one said, "I think I've lost an electron!" The second replied, "Are you positive?"

Lucretia
09-10-2012, 12:50 PM
A man went to see his doctor. "Doctor, I have an embarrassing problem" he said. "Every time I fart, it sounds like someone saying Honda."

After the exam, the doctor said, "Well, I've found what the problem is. Abcess makes the fart go Honda."

Lucretia
09-10-2012, 12:52 PM
Two old sows were talking. The first one said, "Have you heard from your boarfriend lately?"

And the second replied, "Yeah, I got a litter from him just last week!"

Lucretia
09-10-2012, 02:25 PM
A snail won the mega lottery, and was being interviewed for a news show.

"What will you do with all that money?" he was asked.

"Well," said the snail, "I'm going to buy the fanciest, fastest convertible sports car there is. I'm going to paint it shiny black, and I'm going to have the letter "S" made up in solid gold and applied to the sides of the car."

"Why would you do that?" the newsman asked.

"So that when I go driving down the street at 200 mph, people will stop and say 'Look at that S car go!'"

Lucretia
09-10-2012, 02:43 PM
Once upon a time there was a snake named Nate. Nate was known world-wide, because Nate was a very special snake. Nate could talk. He would sing and dance, and everyone loved Nate. One day a trucker was driving down a steep mountain road, when he spied Nate crawling across the highway. He knew he couldn't stop in time to avoid the famous snake, so he started to swerve to try and miss him. He started to swerve right, and found the road had a steep dropoff--if he went that way, he'd surely die. He started to swerve left, and there was a giant red lever on the side of the road with a warning sign: "DANGER! Do not activate this lever or it will cause the world to end!" The trucker was horrified--there was no good choice, but finally he decided...

Better Nate than lever.

hax9215
09-10-2012, 02:51 PM
Pork chop walks into a bar. Bartender says "I'm sorry, we don't serve food."

Hax the Cook CLEAVERS RULE!!! :D

Lucretia
09-10-2012, 03:00 PM
A string walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve string."

The string walks out, rolls himself into a tangle, rips his ends to tatters, and walks back into the bar.

The bartender says, "I told you we don't serve string."

The string says "I'm not a string."

"You're not a string?!?!"

"No, I'm a frayed knot."

SpikeC
09-10-2012, 04:11 PM
A grasshopper walks into a bar (made of olive wood) and the bartender says, "did you know that there is drink named after you?"
And the grasshopper said,"There is a drink named Howard?"

GlassEye
09-10-2012, 04:15 PM
Olivewood?

"What did one knife say to the other?

Look sharp!"

Lucretia
09-10-2012, 04:16 PM
One day a Kalamata fruit was crossing the street when it was hit by a bus.

Passersby screamed and ran to help him. The first person to arrive said "Are you OK?!?!?"

To which the Kalamata said, "Olive."

Lucretia
09-10-2012, 04:19 PM
Charles Dickens went into a bar and asked for a martini.

"Sure" said the bartender. "Olive or Twist?"

Lucretia
09-10-2012, 04:20 PM
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Olive !
Olive who?
Olive you too, dear!

Lucretia
09-10-2012, 04:21 PM
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Olive!
Olive who?
Olive just around the corner!

Lucretia
09-10-2012, 04:25 PM
If olive oil comes from olives, where do they get baby oil?

Namaxy
09-10-2012, 04:29 PM
Still olive....and this one works best with an affected accent....

Many years ago in days of the Ming Dynasty, the Emporer wanted to learn the customs of the world, so he sent ambassadors around the world in search of knowledge. When the Ambassor to America returned, the Emporer asked what he saw.

Ah, yes Emporer - In America they have war custom called 'shittobadjo'.

Well tell me Ambassador to America, how goes this custom?

Well Emporer, a group of warriors get together, carrying great big bags of war clubs, and march to a great green lawn. One by one, they take turns putting a little white rock on a tiny stick. Then the warrior draws a warclub from his bag, takes a mighty swing, and hit that white rock with his stick.

Ah, interesting says the Emporer, but tell me why do they call this custom 'shittobadjo?'

Ah yes Emporer....when the man with war club hits the white rock....it flies out over the great green lawn, then turns right and goes into trees....the man with warclub says ' S _ it'...the other warriors say 'Too bad Joe.'

Lucretia
09-10-2012, 04:36 PM
One day a Kalamata fruit was crossing the street when it was hit by a bus.

Passersby screamed and ran to help him. The first person to arrive said "Are you OK?!?!?"

To which the Kalamata said, "No, you fool! I just got hit by a bus!"

(Olive!)

Namaxy
09-10-2012, 04:40 PM
A young hotshot get's a new job with the IRS. His first assignment is to audit an old Rabbi.

Being a wiseguy, he asks the Rabbi 'Rabbi, what do you do with the drippings from the candles?'

The Rabbi says 'we send them to the candle factory, and every once in a while they send us a free candle.'

The kids says 'And what do you do with the crumbs from the table?'

The Rabbi replies 'We send them to the Matzoh factory, and every once in a while they send us some food.'

So the kid asks, 'Rabbi - what do you do with the foreskins from your circumcisms?'

The Rabbi replies 'We send them to the IRS, and every once in a while they send us a little prick like you.'

GlassEye
09-10-2012, 04:41 PM
Termite walks into a bar and says, "where's the bar tender?"

Namaxy
09-10-2012, 04:50 PM
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so hewent to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion,they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would hispaycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and theCongregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.

There was much yelling and bickering about how much theclergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Preachergot up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," hesaid. Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and inher Frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get toomuch, we wear rubbers".

And the congregation said, "amen."

Crothcipt
09-10-2012, 07:47 PM
9824
I better win or the duck gets it.:spiteful:

SpikeC
09-11-2012, 12:18 AM
You can tune a piano butt you can't tune a fish!

Lucretia
09-11-2012, 12:34 AM
You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose.

Lucretia
09-11-2012, 12:35 AM
You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't wipe your friends on your blue jeans.

Zwiefel
09-11-2012, 12:35 AM
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

Zwiefel
09-11-2012, 12:36 AM
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" they asked. Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Zwiefel
09-11-2012, 12:38 AM
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

chinacats
09-11-2012, 12:38 AM
What's an Australian kiss?

A French kiss down under...

olive?

Zwiefel
09-11-2012, 12:41 AM
An engineer, a biologist, and a mathmetician are in a contest. They are each given an equal length of chain-linked fence and told to enclose the greatest area possible. The engineer proceeds to make a perfect square. The Biologist laughs at him and says, "you fool, don't you know that a circle is nature's most effecient containter?"

The mathmetician stares at the fence for several hours before her eyes light up, whereupon she wraps the fence tightly around her legs and says, "I declare myself outside!"

OK, I'll lay off the engineers for a bit. :o

Lucretia
09-11-2012, 01:01 AM
What's the difference between an engineering co-ed and garbage?

Garbage gets taken out at least once a week.

steeley
09-11-2012, 01:02 AM
The Lone Ranger and Tonto have been riding all day on a buffalo hunt. When they stop to rest, Tonto places his ear to the ground and listens.

“Buffalo come,” Tonto says.

“How do you know that?” asks the Lone Ranger.

“Ear sticky.”

Lucretia
09-11-2012, 01:06 AM
The Lone Ranger and Tonto had made camp for the night, when the Lone Ranger went behind a tumbleweed to relieve himself. Unfortunately, he failed to see a rattlesnake, which bit him on a very personal spot. "Quick, Tonto! Ride Silver to town and ask the doctor what to do!" said the Lone Ranger.

Tonto raced into town, where the doctor instructed him that he needed to put his mouth over the bite and suck the poison out.

Tonto raced back to camp. "What did the doctor say?" asked the Lone Ranger.

"He said you're going to die" Tonto replied.

Zwiefel
09-11-2012, 01:17 AM
The lone ranger and tonto go into town and stop at a saloon. They tie up the horses, and as the lone ranger goes inside, tonto begins, slowly at first, then faster and faster, going in circles around silver.

After a few minutes of this the barkeep notices and says to lone ranger, "hey, you left your injun running."

chinacats
09-11-2012, 02:41 AM
Lemon tree burl?

What's the speed limit for sex?

68

when you hit 69 you have to turn around...

Dusty
09-11-2012, 10:07 AM
A turtle crawled into the police station and said "officer please help! I've just been robbed by a snail."

"ok son" the cop says "can you describe the snail?"

"I dunno officer, it all happened so fast..."



I forgot To mention earlier: olive wood.

Lucretia
09-11-2012, 10:49 AM
One day, a young man was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed so he approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, he worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For several tense moments the young man stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

The man never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where they were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at the man and lifted its front foot off the ground then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter of his youth, the man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

He summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared in wonder. Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Lucretia
09-11-2012, 11:28 AM
Did you hear about the new pirate movie? It's got so much booty, it's rated ARRRRrrrrr!

JasonD
09-12-2012, 06:42 PM
Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.

Bonus follow up:

His acceptance speech: "This job ain't for everyone. But hay, it's in my jeans."

JasonD
09-12-2012, 06:43 PM
Doctor: "I am not exactly sure of the cause. I think it could be due to alcohol."

Patient: "That's ok. I will come back when you are sober."

JasonD
09-12-2012, 06:43 PM
The Dalai Lama walks into an ice cream shop. He asks the server, "can you make me one with everything?"

JasonD
09-12-2012, 06:47 PM
Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks him if he wants a drink. ¨I think not.¨ he replies...and disappears.

Burl Source
09-13-2012, 02:51 PM
There was a small island in the south pacific.
The people who lived there were a simple people living in grass houses throughout the island.
All the people on the island loved their king because he was a kind and generous ruler.
The tradition among the people was to give the king a new throne each year as a birthday present.
The old throne would be stored away upstairs in the attic of the king's house.
One year on the king's birthday he was sitting in his new throne.
The weight of all the old thrones in the attic was too much and the ceiling caved in.
The king was killed after being squished beneath the weight of all the old thrones.

Moral of the story.
People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

tkern
09-13-2012, 03:48 PM
How many guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb? 10. One to screw in the bulb and nine more saying they can do it faster.

How do you stop a guitarist from playing? Put sheet music in front of him.

Ever hear the one about the tuba player with the great gig? No one has.

What do you call the guy that hangs out with musicians? The drummer.

Zwiefel
09-13-2012, 04:23 PM
How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, she hangs on and the world revolves around her.
What's the difference between chopping onions and chopping up an oboe? no one cries when you chop an oboe.
How do you get a bassist off of your porch? pay them for the pizza.
What do you call a bassist w/o a girlfriend? homeless.

tkern
09-13-2012, 09:21 PM
How do you get a vocalist on her knees? Put a recording contract in front of her.

Hattorichop
09-13-2012, 09:58 PM
I got one!

Q: How do lumber yards make money off of their unusable wood (burl).

A: They hire a man (Mark) to sell it to artisans for 10 times what it is worth.

I'm gonna go with Spike on this one and guess that the wood in question is olive wood burl.


P.S. If you change your mind about the giveaway I'll buy those blocks off ya:wink:

Burl Source
09-14-2012, 12:23 PM
I got one!
Q: How do lumber yards make money off of their unusable wood (burl).
A: They hire a man (Mark) to sell it to artisans for 10 times what it is worth.
I'm gonna go with Spike on this one and guess that the wood in question is olive wood burl.
P.S. If you change your mind about the giveaway I'll buy those blocks off ya:wink:

You say this to make a joke but you are pretty accurate.
It used to be that when wood went to the mills, everything that was not normal, clear straight grain got tossed aside.
In the redwood mills a lot of the mill workers took those pieces home and stashed them for their own projects.
It is a good thing that happened because a lot of the better woods that I get come from those hidden stashes.

The good figured woods will sell for 10+ times what the straight grain lumber will sell for.
I like supplying knifemakers because they are able to see the value in unique pieces and are willing to put forth the effort needed to show the woods full potential.
Even the smart a** ones. Just teasing you.

Burl Source
09-14-2012, 07:50 PM
Remember when I said that bad jokes have just as much chance of winning as good jokes?
Well.......I rest my case.

1st drawing was the gray chest hairs joke.
2nd drawing was me, so a re-draw
3rd drawing was me, re-draw again
4th drawing was the spooky dooky joke.

Congratulations
#1 Steeley post #25
#2 Knyfenerd post #11

Send me a PM with your shipping info and I will put your prizes in the mail.

BTW; it is Olive Burl

Lucretia
09-14-2012, 07:53 PM
Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted for a gift.

"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."

Little Johnny was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Johnny's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Johnny, of course, thought he did.

Johnny's mother, being a religious woman, wanted Johnny to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Johnny, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday." Little Johnny stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter 1:
Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend, Johnny


Johnny knew that wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year so he tore up the letter and started over.


Letter 2:
Dear God, I have been an "OK" boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.

Johnny


Johnny knew he could not send this letter to God either. So he wrote a third letter.

Letter 3:
God, I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you send me a bike for my birthday. Please!

Thank you, Johnny

Johnny knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. By now Johnny was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Johnny's mother thought her plan had worked as Johnny looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother told him.

Johnny walked down the street to the church on the corner. He went into the church and up to the altar and looked around to see if anyone was there. Johnny bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under his shirt, and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.

Johnny began to write his letter to God.

Letter 4:
God:

I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed, YOU KNOW WHO

Lucretia
09-15-2012, 12:57 AM
What what what???!?!?!?! It's the 15th already?!?!?!

JasonD
09-15-2012, 08:47 AM
This was a lot of fun! Thanks for the give-away Mark.

PS: That olive was awful pretty.. Got any more coming your way? :D

Burl Source
09-15-2012, 01:40 PM
What what what???!?!?!?! It's the 15th already?!?!?!
Lucretia caught the fact that I can't tell what day it is so she gets a consolation prize.
An official Oregon Gardeners Camo T-Shirt.
http://i901.photobucket.com/albums/ac219/burlsource/apr12/003-20.jpg

kalaeb
09-15-2012, 02:18 PM
:haha4:
Lucretia caught the fact that I can't tell what day it is so she gets a consolation prize.
An official Oregon Gardeners Camo T-Shirt.
http://i901.photobucket.com/albums/ac219/burlsource/apr12/003-20.jpg

:haha4::haha4:

Burl Source
09-15-2012, 04:10 PM
Lucretia,
If you don't want the Gardener's T-Shirt, I can get you a genuine Hippie dyed tie dye t-shirt from a local guy.
He is an old timer hippie that was one of the Takilma founders.
Just let me know.

Mike9
09-15-2012, 04:30 PM
Nice idea for a giveaway but, shoot, can't think of a good joke right now. Maybe later!

Maybe a joke about root beer? :justkidding:

Mike9
09-15-2012, 04:31 PM
A Priest a Rabbi and an Imam walk into a bar - the bartender says . . . "what is this a joke????"

knyfeknerd
09-15-2012, 10:20 PM
Yeeeeaaaaaahhh!!! I never win anything. Thanks Mark. That joke is so bad, it has never done anything for me but get me funny looks.

steeley
09-16-2012, 12:20 AM
:happy1::happy222::jumping2:

Thank you Mark !
I have been wanting too do a handle for awhile now i have the perfect block.

Thank you Thank you .

Lucretia
09-16-2012, 12:33 AM
Lucretia caught the fact that I can't tell what day it is so she gets a consolation prize.
An official Oregon Gardeners Camo T-Shirt.
http://i901.photobucket.com/albums/ac219/burlsource/apr12/003-20.jpg

:rofl:

2 greatest words in the English language--Consolation Prize! And a tough choice between the camo and the hippie tie dye, because while I do garden, this is what I wear:


10021

steeley
09-20-2012, 08:43 PM
The olive burl block found my home today Thank You .
love the smell, like green olives .

:tongue:

Burl Source
09-20-2012, 09:06 PM
The olive burl block found my home today Thank You .
love the smell, like green olives .
:tongue:

Even when stabilized it keeps the olive smell.
I enjoy sanding it just for the smell.
Kind of like aromatherapy.

Lucretia
09-20-2012, 09:31 PM
Got a nice piece of maple in the mail today--AND my great new camo shirt.
Doesn't it look great? It really works!



10103



Thanks, Mark! :D

Crothcipt
09-21-2012, 12:57 AM
Sad thing is I went looking to see if I could find you.:help3:

Lucretia
09-21-2012, 06:23 PM
Sad thing is I went looking to see if I could find you.:help3:

heh heh heh...

Burl Source
09-21-2012, 07:11 PM
Sad thing is I went looking to see if I could find you.:help3:
You can see part of her forehead at the top left/center.

Lucretia
09-21-2012, 10:24 PM
That's not a forehead. :bigeek:

knyfeknerd
09-21-2012, 10:40 PM
Got my scales today Mark, thanks a ton! Really nice.