Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman.
The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie, "Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?" "Sure that sounds great!" said Julie. "Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man. "Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked. "Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage."
The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife. "Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied. About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner.
The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah," Julie replied. "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie.
"Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde. She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note: "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!"
Some of you have seen this one before, but it's worth a rerun:
For my birthday, my husband bought me a mood ring. He thought this was a great idea, becasue he would now be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.
maple burl. Probably all wrong, but i suck at woods...
Q: Why is basketball the grossest sport there is?
A: Because they dribble all over the court.
Thanks for doing the conest by the way!
A preacher's wife goes to the butcher.
The butcher asks if she'd like to try some damn ham.
The preacher's wife is shocked. The butcher explains that "Dam Ham" is the brand name of the meat and shows her the packaging with the beaver and dam logo.
That night, the preacher asks, "What's for dinner?"
His wife says she bought some damn ham from the butcher. The preacher scolds his wife for using such language in their home. She explains the "Dam Ham brand name and their logo.
At the dinner table, the preacher asks his 16-year-old son to pass him the "Dam Ham."
The son replies, "I'll pass the damn ham if you pass me the muthaf**kin' mashed potatoes."
I'm in. 1st one is the northern lights, 2nd one is sunset over the beach, 3rd one is Van Gogh's Starry Starry Night, and the last is a snake run over by a truck.
A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.
He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a
person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?"
The ventriloquist looks on in amazement.
"It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community," she continued, "and of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize.
The blonde interjects, "You stay out of this, mister. I'm talking to that little guy on your knee!"
Chicken shack. Thanks randy