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Contest - Drawing on June 8th - Page 10
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Thread: Contest - Drawing on June 8th

  1. #91
    chestnut
    "Too much of anything is bad, but too much good whiskey is barely enough." —Mark Twain

  2. #92
    daveb's Avatar
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    Yellerwood?
    Dave
    Older and wider.

  3. #93
    daveb's Avatar
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    A beautiful and obviously distraught woman is on the edge of a cliff yelling that she is going to jump and kill herself.

    A wandering bum comes by and says " Hey, if you are going to kill yourself how about having sex with me first? ".

    The woman screams out " No way in Hell! Get lost, you pervert ".

    The bum replies " Okay, I'll just wait for you at the bottom ".
    Dave
    Older and wider.

  4. #94
    Senior Member Lucretia's Avatar
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    A bright young fresh-out-of-school auditor joined the IRS, excited to begin tracking down high-powered offenders. He was a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi. Looking over the books, the taxes were pretty straight forward, and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day interesting by having a little fun at the Rabbi's expense.

    "Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles." "Yes," answered the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked. "A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then,they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer.

    "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?" "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls." "Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

    "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?" "Here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we send them to the I.R.S."

    "The I.R.S.?," questioned the auditor in disbelief. "Ahh, yes," replied the Rabbi, " the I.R.S. ...and about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."
    Now is not the time to bother me. And it's always now. Wiley Miller

  5. #95
    Senior Member Lucretia's Avatar
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    A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.

    He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes when a large blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?"

    The ventriloquist looks on in amazement.

    "It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community," she continued,
    "and of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination
    against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."

    Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize.

    The blonde interjects, "You stay out of this, mister. I'm talking to that little guy on your knee!"
    Now is not the time to bother me. And it's always now. Wiley Miller

  6. #96
    Senior Member rsacco's Avatar
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    Spalted Oregon Maple Burl

  7. #97
    Senior Member Lucretia's Avatar
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    There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde. She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note.... Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!
    Now is not the time to bother me. And it's always now. Wiley Miller

  8. #98
    Senior Member Lucretia's Avatar
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    An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."

    "That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."
    Now is not the time to bother me. And it's always now. Wiley Miller

  9. #99
    Senior Member Chuckles's Avatar
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    What did the general do with his armies?

    He put them in his sleevies.

    'The only real security that a man can have in this world is a reserve of knowledge, experience, and ability.' -Henry Ford

  10. #100
    Senior Member Chuckles's Avatar
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    any Star Trek Next Generation Fans?

    Who is Indiana Jones?

    Harrison Ford.

    Who is Indiana Troy?


    Commander Riker.

    'The only real security that a man can have in this world is a reserve of knowledge, experience, and ability.' -Henry Ford

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