bahamaroot
Idiot Savant
Randy's giveaway thread was so much fun why not start an ongoing joke and picture thread.
If you have a joke or funny picture post it here.
If you have a joke or funny picture post it here.
Joke Of The Day
- Thread starter bahamaroot
- Start date
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bahamaroot
Idiot Savant
Fine...I'll play with myself!
A woman walks up to an obnoxious drunk at a bar and tells him, "If you were my husband, I'd poison your drink."
The man replies, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
A woman walks up to an obnoxious drunk at a bar and tells him, "If you were my husband, I'd poison your drink."
The man replies, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
Alright I'll throw in one!
A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"
"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."
"What are the three tests?" asks the man
"Gotta pay first."
So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.
"OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila -- the WHOLE thing at once -- and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."
"Well, I know I've paid my $10 bucks," says the man, "but I'm not an idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money -- that's impossible!"
The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve.
"Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs.
He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside -- barking, yelping and growling, then silence.
Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.
"NOW," he says, "where's at old lady with the sore tooth?"
A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"
"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."
"What are the three tests?" asks the man
"Gotta pay first."
So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.
"OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila -- the WHOLE thing at once -- and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."
"Well, I know I've paid my $10 bucks," says the man, "but I'm not an idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money -- that's impossible!"
The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve.
"Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs.
He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside -- barking, yelping and growling, then silence.
Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.
"NOW," he says, "where's at old lady with the sore tooth?"
Maybe if you offer a knife or two, you'll get more interest!
bahamaroot
Idiot Savant
Your greed is noted.
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Weird Wood Pusher
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A guy goes into an ice cream shop and says "I want a vanilla ice cream cone".
The fellow behind the counter says "I'm sorry but we are all out of vanilla ice cream. Can I get you something else?"
The guy thinks for a couple minutes and says "ok, I'll take a pint of vanilla ice cream".
The fellow behind the counter is now frustrated and repeats himself saying "I'm sorry but we are all out of vanilla ice cream. Can I get you something else?"
The guy thinks for a couple more minutes and then says "ok, I'll take a quart of vanilla ice cream".
The fellow behind the counter finally loses it and blurts out "Mr. are you stupid or something?"
The customer replies "No".
The counter guy replies, "fine, then prove it. Let's see if you can spell vanilla".
The customer spells out "v a n i l l a"
To which the counter guy says "hah!!, you left out the "F".
The customer says "there is no "F" in Vanilla".
The counter guys says "that's what I have been trying to tell you for the last 5 minutes".
The fellow behind the counter says "I'm sorry but we are all out of vanilla ice cream. Can I get you something else?"
The guy thinks for a couple minutes and says "ok, I'll take a pint of vanilla ice cream".
The fellow behind the counter is now frustrated and repeats himself saying "I'm sorry but we are all out of vanilla ice cream. Can I get you something else?"
The guy thinks for a couple more minutes and then says "ok, I'll take a quart of vanilla ice cream".
The fellow behind the counter finally loses it and blurts out "Mr. are you stupid or something?"
The customer replies "No".
The counter guy replies, "fine, then prove it. Let's see if you can spell vanilla".
The customer spells out "v a n i l l a"
To which the counter guy says "hah!!, you left out the "F".
The customer says "there is no "F" in Vanilla".
The counter guys says "that's what I have been trying to tell you for the last 5 minutes".
bahamaroot
Idiot Savant
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see whos best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.
I found a bear by the stream, says the minister, and preached Gods holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. Looking back, he says, maybe I shouldnt have started with the circumcision.
I found a bear by the stream, says the minister, and preached Gods holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. Looking back, he says, maybe I shouldnt have started with the circumcision.
After a long day on the golf course, I stopped in at "Hooter's" to see some friends and have some hot Wings and drinks.
After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.
I told them "The one who knows how to fix elevators."
I'm old, tired, and pee a lot.
Peter de Seve, love his work!
