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Tell a joke and win a prize! - Page 11
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Thread: Tell a joke and win a prize!

  1. #101
    Senior Member Line cooked's Avatar
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    A pirate walks into a bar with his ships steering wheel stuffed in the front of his pants.

    The bartender looks at the pirate and says "Whats with the steering wheel in your pants"

    The pirate replys "ARGGG!!! ITS DRIVING ME NUTS"

  2. #102
    Two Amish women were picking potatoes one autumn day. The first Amish woman had 2 potatoes in her hands. She looked at the other woman and said, "these potatoes remind me of my husbands testicles", and the other woman said "are his testicles that big?" , no she commented, "they're that dirty".

  3. #103
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    How does a redneck celebrate Halloween?

    pump kin

  4. #104
    Weird Wood Pusher Burl Source's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cnochef View Post
    How does a redneck celebrate Halloween?

    pump kin
    Around here a philosophical question asked by redneck children is;
    "If mom and dad get divorced, are they still brother and sister?"
    Mark Farley / It's a Burl
    Phone 541-592-5071, Email burlsource@gmail.com
    Visit our web store

  5. #105
    A Norwegian couple, Lars and Greta, which had emigrated to Minnesota in America came to a divorce and eventually ended up in court as they would not agree on what should happen to their children. As a verdict the judge said "Well, Lars, I have decided to let your ex wife Greta keep the children and I have dcided to grant her $500 per month in child support!" Lars thought about this for a moment and replied "Vell, dat is just fine, judge. Every wunce in a while I'll even try to chip in a few bucks myself."

  6. #106
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    During a commercial airline flight a man was seated next to a young mother with a baby in her arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

    The man pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, he responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby... and he sure was hungry!"

    Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

    The man sadly shook his head, and exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."
    “I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand.”

  7. #107
    Quote Originally Posted by Pensacola Tiger View Post
    During a commercial airline flight a man was seated next to a young mother with a baby in her arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

    The man pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, he responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby... and he sure was hungry!"

    Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

    The man sadly shook his head, and exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."
    rofl! My wife is a vibrant "lactivist" and a talented nursing photographer. I'll tell her this one in a few minutes hahahaha

  8. #108

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    Aw what the heck. This is my all time favorite joke. I think it is so funny because it is so true. I used to have this posted on the side of my monitor at work.

    -AJ

    __________________________________________________ ____

    While walking down the street one day a lawyer is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

    His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

    ‘Welcome to heaven,’ says St. Peter. ‘Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a lawyer around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.’

    ‘No problem, just let me in,’ says the lawyer.

    ‘Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.’

    ‘Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,’ says the lawyer.

    ‘I’m sorry, but we have our rules.’

    And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other people who had worked with him.

    Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had.

    They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

    Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

    Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises …

    The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

    ‘Now it’s time to visit heaven.’

    So, 24 hours pass with the lawyer joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

    ‘Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.’

    The lawyer reflects for a minute, then answers: ‘Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.’

    So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

    Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

    He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above…

    The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ‘I don’t understand,’ stammers the lawyer. ‘Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?’

    The devil looks at him, smiles and says…….

    ‘Yesterday we were recruiting. Today you’re hired.’


  9. #109
    GoogleFu San steeley's Avatar
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    Q: What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

    A: Beer nuts will cost you at least one dollar, while deer nuts are always under a buck.
    A clever cook can make good meat of a whetstone.” Erasmus

  10. #110
    Quote Originally Posted by johndoughy View Post
    rofl! My wife is a vibrant "lactivist" and a talented nursing photographer.
    There's a joke in there somewhere.

    In her application to work at a politically liberal nursing home the blonde wrote her qualifications were, "I'm a vibrant lactivist and a talented nursing photographer."

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