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Thread: Tell a joke and win a prize!

  1. #111

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    A guy is walking down the street in Greenwich Village inthe middle of the dayand as he passes a jazz cafe, he hears this incredible piano music. He goes inside, but only sees the bartender and a rather inebriated looking gentleman sitting at the bar in the front. There is nobody playing the piano,so he figures it is just the stereo. But as his eyes adjust to the darkness, the notices what appears to be a doll about the size of an old GI Joe seated at a toy grand piano up on the bar. When he looks a little closer, he notices, much to his shock, that it is actually a tiny, fully formed man and he is playing the piano. The little guys is just tearing it up on everything from Joplin to Jarrett. The man can't believe what he is seeing. After about 30 minutes, the little guy stops playing, the bartender helps him off the bar and gives him a tiny beer and he runs off to the back of the place. Still in shock, the man sits down at the bar, orders a stiff drink and asks the bartender who the little guy is with. The bartender points at the drunk at the bar who has a beer in one hand and what appears to be an old Arabic style oil lamp in the other. The guy asks the drunk where he found the little guy and the drunk says that he found this lamp in a flea market and when he started polishing it, there was a puff of smoke and a genie popped out and said that he would grant him one wish. Our guy asks if he can try it out and the drunk says sure. Well, just like the drunk said, when he rubbed the lamp, out popped the genie who said that he would grant out guy one wish. Well, the man thought about it and said "I want a million bucks!" The genie waved his hand and all of a sudden, not only the entire bar, but the whole neighborhood is filled with white Peking ducks. The man can
    t believe it. he looks at the drunk and says "what the hell is this? I asked for a million bucks and this genie appears to have given me a million DUCKS!!!Is the son of a ***** deaf?" The drunk slowly turns his head and says "I may be a drunk, but did you seriously think that I wished for a 12 inch PIANIST?!?!?!"

  2. #112
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    A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
    Spike C
    "The Buddha resides as comfortably in the circuits of a digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top of a mountain."
    Pirsig

  3. #113
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    The invisible man marries the invisible woman. The children weren't much to look at.
    Spike C
    "The Buddha resides as comfortably in the circuits of a digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top of a mountain."
    Pirsig

  4. #114
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    Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.

    Lets have a look at the evidence:



    - No Christmas

    - No television

    -No nude women

    - No football

    - No pork chops

    - No hot dogs

    - No burgers

    - No beer

    - No bacon

    - Rags for clothes

    - Towels for hats

    - Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower

    - More than one wife

    More than one mother in law

    - You can't shave

    - Your wife can't shave

    - You can't wash off the smell of donkey

    - You wipe your ass with your hand

    - You cook over burning camel ****

    - Your wife is picked by someone else for you

    - and your wife smells worse than your donkey

    Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"??

    Well no **** Sherlock!.... It's not like it could get much worse.
    Spike C
    "The Buddha resides as comfortably in the circuits of a digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top of a mountain."
    Pirsig

  5. #115
    Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
    Usually she slept through the class.

    One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

    When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

    A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

    Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"


    Feel free to visit my website, http://www.rodrigueknives.com
    Email pierre@rodrigueknives.com

  6. #116
    Little Johnny likes to gamble.

    One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.

    Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."

    So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."

    The teacher says OK, she can handle it.

    The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."

    She says yes I know who you are.

    Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."

    The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.

    She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.

    That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.

    So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."

    The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."

    Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."


    Feel free to visit my website, http://www.rodrigueknives.com
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  7. #117

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    A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "What is this? A joke?"

  8. #118

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    A young man from the hills of West Virginia married this lovely young girl from the other side of the county. As a gift, both sets of parents chipped in and bought them a little piece of nice bottom land and a trailer. The wedding was a grand affair and the new couple went off to spend their wedding night in their new home. The next morning, the boy's father was awoken from a sound sleep by knocking at the front door. Much to his surprise, his son was standing on the front porch with a suitcase. The father asked what happened and the boys said " Pa, I found out that she was a virgin" The father asked what was wrong with that? The boy responded "Well, if she ain't good enough for her own family, then she sure as hell ain't good enough for ours!!!"

  9. #119
    Weird Wood Pusher Burl Source's Avatar
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    Great Jokes everyone!
    I will do the drawing for the piece of redwood tomorrow.
    I think this should be an ongoing thing with a monthly prize.
    .......just to keep the great jokes coming.
    Mark Farley / It's a Burl
    Phone 541-592-5071, Email burlsource@gmail.com
    Visit our web store

  10. #120
    Weird Wood Pusher Burl Source's Avatar
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    Winner for the drawing

    I used the random number generator and it selected #20.
    Which also happened to be one of the jokes I really enjoyed.
    Congratulations Pensacola Tiger
    Send me a PM with your mailing address and I will send your prize.
    Mark Farley / It's a Burl
    Phone 541-592-5071, Email burlsource@gmail.com
    Visit our web store

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