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Thread: Tell a joke and win a prize!

  1. #21
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    mano's Avatar
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    Oh, you want funny jokes?

    A wife said to her husband, "If I die, I want you to remarry and let your new wife have all my belongings"

    "Oh no, I could never do that, I love you too much and would never think of replacing you."

    "I love you too, that's why I want you to be happy with someone else. She can have my clothes, jewelry, even my car."

    "Oh no, I don't even want to think of you dying, much less having her use your things!"

    "Please, dear, I mean it. I want her to use everything of mine, even my golf clubs."

    "Sorry, that wouldn't work out. She's a lefty."

  2. #22
    Das HandleMeister apicius9's Avatar
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    O.k., this one will get me in trouble, it's neither politically nor historically correct, and probably not for the religiously sensitive either.

    Jesus walks down a road and sees a crowd of women and men that has gathered near a wall. When he gets closer, he sees that they are stoning a young woman. He walks up and says "He that Is Without Sin Among You, Let Him First Cast a Stone". A woman in the first row picks up a stone and throws it at the young woman. Jesus turns to her and says "Mom, sometimes you are really getting on my nerves."

    Stefan

  3. #23
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    Yesterday I was at my local Walmart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Lugnut, the Wonder Dog, and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

    What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost fifty pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV’s in both arms.

    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

    Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish setter's butt and a car hit us both.

    I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

    Walmart won't let me shop there anymore.

  4. #24
    GoogleFu San steeley's Avatar
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    Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "The other day, I was cleaning Father McInty's room and I found pornographic magazines under his bed!"

    The second nun said, "I can top that. Yesterday I was cleaning Father McInty's room and I found some condoms!"

    The other nuns asked, "What did you do with them?"

    The second nun said, "I poked holes in them."

    The third nun fainted
    A clever cook can make good meat of a whetstone.” Erasmus

  5. #25

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    A priest went to the bishop and said he had a problem. He was in love with one of the Sisters!
    "Oh, that's not a big deal," said the bishop, "just don't get into the habit."

  6. #26
    Mike Davis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pensacola Tiger View Post
    Yesterday I was at my local Walmart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Lugnut, the Wonder Dog, and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

    What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost fifty pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV’s in both arms.

    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

    Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish setter's butt and a car hit us both.

    I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

    Walmart won't let me shop there anymore.
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! That is freakin EPIC!

  7. #27
    Mike Davis's Avatar
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    A guy walks into a bar and orders 7 shots of tequila. The bartender asks" What's the occasion?" The guy replies, "I am celebrating my first blow job." The bartender say's "Hell, here is a shot on the house!" The guy replies, "It's ok, if these don't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

  8. #28
    Senior Member Vladimir's Avatar
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    It's really going on near our city.
    We lived near two men, one had a dog, and the second was a rabbit home.
    Every summer, the owner had offered a rabbit for a walk in the yard.
    Neighbor's dog when she saw a rabbit very much barking and rushed to the fence.
    Rabbit owner comes to the house owner and the dog says, look if your dog does something bad with the rabbit I shot her.
    Once the dog has escaped from his master and came only at night and in the teeth it was dirty the rabbit was dead.
    The owner of the dog was frightened rabbit washed with shampoo and dried his fur dryer.
    Climbed over the fence to the neighbor and put a dead rabbit in a cage.
    In the morning a neighbor came with a bottle of vodka, and said the owner of the dog, let's have a drink, I'm going crazy.
    Last night died my favorite rabbit, I buried him, and now go out into the yard, but it is clean and fluffy in the cell sits

  9. #29
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    Sean and Murray walk by the church and Sean says, "Wait here while I go in for confession."

    He confesses to the priest having an affair with a married woman and the priest tells him, "For me to give absolution you have to tell me her name."

    Sean refuses and the priest says, "Was it Mrs. Kennedy?"

    "I won't betray a confidence."

    "Was it Mrs. Sullivan?"

    "I told you I won't say."

    "Was it Mrs. McGinn?"

    "Please stop asking. I won't say."

    "In that case, leave without absolution."

    Sean goes out to his friend who asks, "So, did you get forgiveness?"

    "No, but I got three good leads!"

  10. #30
    Mike Davis's Avatar
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    A man and woman are having sex in the woods late one night. The man say's "I wish i had a flashlight." The woman say's"Me too...you have been eating grass for ten minutes."

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