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Thread: Tell a joke and win a prize!

  1. #11
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    Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little five-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

    A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

    The young family's five-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

    Eventually the construction crew adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

    At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars ‘pay’ she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

    When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

    "Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

    The little girl replied, "I will, if those ******** at Lowe's ever deliver the damn sheet rock..."

  2. #12
    So one day in class thing were getting out of hand with kids calling each other names, like stupid, idiot, moron, etc. The teacher walks in, and not likeing what she is hearing, gets the students back to their seats, and quiet again, in the middle of her constructive lecture, she says to the class "If there is any one here, who thinks they are an idiot, or stupid, please stand up." The students quietly look at each other, then little Johnny stands up. The teacher asks, "Johnny, do you really think you are an idiot or stupid?" to which Johnny says "No, I just felt bad that you were standing all by yourself!"


    Feel free to visit my website, http://www.rodrigueknives.com
    Email pierre@rodrigueknives.com

  3. #13
    Weird Wood Pusher Burl Source's Avatar
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    These are good jokes.
    My boss actually laughed when I told one to him.
    That hasn't happened in a while.
    Mark Farley / It's a Burl
    Phone 541-592-5071, Email burlsource@gmail.com
    Visit our web store

  4. #14

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    What's the first thing you find between a 90 year old woman's boobs?
    Her bellybutton.

    Why is there no CSI department in Alabama?
    There are no dental records and all the DNA is the same.

    this is hard.....most of the jokes i know are pretty bad....Is anyone here easily offended? No offense intended to anyone...Some are pretty bad lol

    IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED< SKIP THESE JOKES!

    What is the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator?
    The fridge doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

    Ghandi, Dennis Miller and Michael Jackson are on a plane with a Boy Scout troop. As they start flying over the ocean, one of the engines dies out. There are 15 Boy scouts and 2 pilots. There 10 parachutes. The 2 pilots grab chutes and bail. Ghandi steps and and say's " We must do everything in our power to save the children!" Dennis Leary say's "Screw the children!" Michael Jackson say's "Do you think we have enough time?"

    I have more but some are bad and i apologize if i offended anyone....Sorry

  5. #15
    There was a man who was found stranded on an island after 10 years of being lost. Some researchers took him back to the island, to learn how he'd survived. Up on a hill, they saw three structures, and asked "Did you build those?" The man told them he did, so they asked him what the first building was.
    "That's my house, where I sleep."
    That makes sense, they thought. "Well, what about the one next to it?"
    "That's my church, it's where I pray to God."
    The researchers were astounded! That a man surviving on his wits alone would take the time and effort to erect a chapel impressed them greatly.
    "What's that last one?"
    The man looked, snorted with derision and said, "Oh that?" as he rolled his eyes, "that's where I used to go to church."

  6. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by Burl Source View Post
    These are good jokes.
    My boss actually laughed when I told one to him.
    That hasn't happened in a while.
    Which one, Mike?

  7. #17
    Weird Wood Pusher Burl Source's Avatar
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    So far it has been the wife with the wine joke and the kid & the construction workers.

    I have been laughing out load reading these jokes.
    I keep coming back to see what gets posted next.
    Haven't gotten much work done, but it's been a good day.

    OK, I guess it's my turn for a joke.

    A blind man goes into a bar with his white cane and dark glasses.
    He makes his way up to the bar and sits on a stool.
    The bartender comes over and asks "can I get you something to drink?"
    The blind man answers, "Sure, I'll take a beer, but do you want to here a dumb blonde joke first?"
    The bartender answers " I couldn't help but notice when you came in that you are blind. Before you think about telling your dumb blonde joke I should probably give you a warning. Sitting at the other end of the bar are 2 police officers both with blonde hair. Behind you at a table are a marine and a fire fighter, both blonde. And last there is me, 6 foot 4 and blonde hair. Now.... do you still want to tell your dumb blond joke?"
    The blind man answers, "No, not if I'm going to have to explain it 5 times."
    Mark Farley / It's a Burl
    Phone 541-592-5071, Email burlsource@gmail.com
    Visit our web store

  8. #18
    Senior Member goodchef1's Avatar
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    guy walks into a bar and sees a horse with a sign above (make this horse laugh and cry, and win free beer for a year) Guy walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear. All of a sudden, the horse starts breaking out in laughter, then he walks the horse into the bathroom then comes out with the horse following suit bawling in tears.

    He tells the bartender "okay now I'll take my first free beer" The bartender stood amazed "what did you do?" The guy says "first I told him that my thing was bigger then his, the second time, I showed him"

  9. #19
    A little foul but hey - it's a wood joke.

    Click the spoiler tag to read....

    Spoiler:
    A man in a bar, after several drinks, began bragging that he could identify any type of wood by its smell only. The patrons of the bar decided to test him.

    The man was blindfolded and presented with several
    pieces of wood.

    First they tried maple. He smelled it and said, "That's maple."

    They then tried ebony; he again smelled it and named the wood correctly.

    He did this with ever piece of wood they brought before him.

    The bartender then got an idea to trick him. And they took one of the waitresses and put her crotch up to his nose. He sniffed for a while.

    "Boy," he said "this is difficult, flip that board over and let me smell the other side."

    So they took the waitress and put her ass near his nose.
    He took a big whiff, started to smile and said, "You guys can't fool me! That is the sh*t house door from a tuna boat!"

  10. #20
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    Wife From Hell

    A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says to the driver, “I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.”

    The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60. Perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”

    The man’s wife interrupts from the passenger seat, “Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.”

    As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can't you please be quiet?”

    The wife smiles demurely and says, “Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.”

    As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?”

    The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.”

    The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”

    The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.”

    And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP!”

    The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?”

    “Only when he's been drinking.”

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