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Weird Wood Contest - 2 Winners Saturday 3/10 - Page 11
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Thread: Weird Wood Contest - 2 Winners Saturday 3/10

  1. #101

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    Quote Originally Posted by Deckhand View Post
    Knock knock
    Who's there?
    Your pimp
    Pimp who?
    Open the door *****
    That is damn funny! I will be remembering this one.


    A redneck is walking down the street carrying a hog that had clearly had a life of pampering and care.

    A passer-by said "Wow, that's quite a specimen! Where'd you get it?"

    The hog said "I won him in an auction."

  2. #102
    Senior Member DeepCSweede's Avatar
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    A man is walking down the beach and sees a woman with no arms or legs crying so he says why are you crying, she replies that she is very lonely and has never been touched by a man before, so he sits down and starts rubbing her shoulders. A couple minutes later she is sobbing a little still and she says she has never been kissed by a man before. So the man leans over and gives her a kiss, a few minutes later she says one last thing please and states that she has never been screwed by a man before....So he looks left and right, picks her up and carries her to the ocean - throws her in and says "Now your screwed"

  3. #103
    Senior Member DeepCSweede's Avatar
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    I was standing at the bar and this Chinese guy comes in and stands next to me....
    I said to him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Jujitsu? or Judo?"
    He says "No, why the fluck you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee"?
    "No", I said.... "It's because you're drinking my beer you a#$hole".

  4. #104
    Senior Member DeepCSweede's Avatar
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    REDNECK LENT
    Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

    But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

    The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

    The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.

    After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.

    Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

    The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

    There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:

    You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish

  5. #105
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    Ole and Lena were out walking and Lena clutched her heart and fell to the sidewalk. Ole got out his cell phone and called 9-1-1.
    The Operator said "Where are you?"
    Ole answered, "We were walking and Lena is on the sidewalk on Eucalyptus Street."
    The operator asked, "How do you spell that?" The phone seemed to go dead. The operator kept shouting for Ole. She could hear him panting. He finally came back on line and said, "I dragged her over to Oak Street, that's O-A-K."

  6. #106
    Senior Member DeepCSweede's Avatar
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    Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?"
    Ole replied, "No, I'm Norvegian and my name ain't Valter."

  7. #107
    Senior Member DeepCSweede's Avatar
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    Okay last one and I'm done till next time

    The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged nonsupport.
    He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support."
    "Vell, dat's fine, Judge," smiled Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks, myself."

  8. #108
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    A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with it?"

    "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this - when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better - your ear or your finger?"

  9. #109
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    A woman rushes into her house one morning and yells to her husband, "Sam, pack up your stuff. I just won the lottery!"

    "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"

    "Whatever. Just so you're out of the house by noon!"

  10. #110
    Senior Member Deckhand's Avatar
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    My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed.. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
    “No,” she answered.
    I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
    She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying,*”Yes.”
    So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

    And then the fight started….

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