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Weird Wood Contest - 2 Winners Saturday 3/10 - Page 12
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Thread: Weird Wood Contest - 2 Winners Saturday 3/10

  1. #111
    Senior Member Lucretia's Avatar
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    A man was driving in the countryside and saw a farmer walking along the road with a 3-legged pig. Curious, he stopped to ask the farmer about the animal.

    "Oh", the farmer said, "this is no ordinary pig! He was the runt of the litter and we raised him in the house like a baby. My wife fed him with a baby bottle, and the children dressed him in doll clothes and played tea party with this pig. He's been one of the family. Why, one night he saved our lives! There was a fire while we were asleep, and this brave pig ran from room to room and woke us all, and we escaped the burning house without a scratch! This is one fine pig!"

    "What happened to his leg?" the man asked. "Did he lose it in the fire?"

    "Oh, no" the farmer replied. "He survived the fire just fine. But a special animal like this, why, you just can't eat him all at once!"


    I'm done. Gotta go make some lasagna.

  2. #112
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    A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

    She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

    She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

    She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had had. He said, "Oh the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." The she asked, "Did you dance much?"

    He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"

  3. #113
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    Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital. The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

    At the funeral, as he was finishing the eulogy, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Fred died. He said, "You know, Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

    He opened the note, and read, "You're standing on my oxygen tube!"

  4. #114
    Im in if it isnt too late

  5. #115
    Senior Member Deckhand's Avatar
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    I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

  6. #116
    Senior Member Deckhand's Avatar
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    What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

  7. #117
    Senior Member Deckhand's Avatar
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    Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

  8. #118
    Senior Member Deckhand's Avatar
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    We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops

  9. #119
    Senior Member Deckhand's Avatar
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    Doctor how do I live to be a hundred?
    The doctor says you have to quit drinking, smoking, and chasing women.
    If it do that will I live to be a hundred?
    The doctor said I don't know, but it will sure feel like it.

  10. #120
    Senior Member Deckhand's Avatar
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    My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

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