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Weird Wood Contest - 2 Winners Saturday 3/10 - Page 13
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Thread: Weird Wood Contest - 2 Winners Saturday 3/10

  1. #121
    Senior Member Deckhand's Avatar
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    My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea .

  2. #122
    Senior Member Deckhand's Avatar
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    A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."
    The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

  3. #123
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    An elderly man and woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine
    restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

    Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away,
    suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the
    table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

    The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out
    of sight under the table. She feared he had suffered a heart attack or
    stroke and the woman hadn't noticed.

    Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her
    dining companion had disappeared.

    The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me,
    ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

    The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just
    walked in the door."
    Spike C
    "The Buddha resides as comfortably in the circuits of a digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top of a mountain."
    Pirsig

  4. #124
    Senior Member Lucretia's Avatar
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    I know, I was done, but hubby sent me this one...

    An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

    At that, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

    The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday after noon," he said.

    Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

    "I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

  5. #125
    Weird Wood Pusher Burl Source's Avatar
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    I will do the drawing at about 5PM PST.
    Mark Farley / It's a Burl
    Phone 541-592-5071, Email burlsource@gmail.com
    Visit our web store

  6. #126
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    A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

    "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

    On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

    "He said you're going to die," she replied.

  7. #127
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    An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.

    Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

    "I'm 90 years old," he says.

    "90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"

    "Oh, sorry," says the old man, "how much do I owe you?"

  8. #128

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    Ok this is a culturally offensive joke, but you could replace them with anything. This is just how I've heard it.

    A Mexican, an Irishman and a Pole are working on a high-rise building and stop to eat lunch. They open up their lunches and all collectively let out a sigh--Carne Asada, Corned Beef, and Kielbasa, respectively.

    The Mexican says "That woman! Every day this month, it's Carne Asada! If I get Carne Asada for lunch one more day, I'm going to jump off this building."

    The Irishman says "You? I've had Corned Beef for lunch AND dinner 4 times a week for 2 years! If I see this in here tomorrow, I'll jump too!"

    The Pole says "You think you've got it bad? I've had Kielbasa every day since I started working here. If something doesn't change, I'm jumping too!"

    The next day, they open up their lunches, and sure enough, same old, same old. They all shake hands and jump to their deaths.


    At the funeral, the wives are consoling each other, and the Mexican wife says tearfully "I had no idea! He never complained! I'd have made him Migas or Enchiladas!"

    The Irish wife says between sobs "I didn't think he actually was eating it! I would have given him money to buy his own lunch!"

    They both look to the Pole's wife and she says "Well, don't look at me. He made his own lunches."

  9. #129
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    I'm in, hope not too late though.

  10. #130
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    After 40 years as a gynecologist, John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love, auto mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied hard.

    The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted.

    The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John spoke to his professor after class. "I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?"

    The professor replied, "I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the muffler."

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