The commanding officer of an Army regiment was about to start the morning briefing to his staff, battalion and company commanders. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure'.
The major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work. The captain said it was 50-50%. The lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the private responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?", she says as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
He looks up from his coffee and replies, "I'm just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only sixteen. Do you remember back then?"
The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring and sensitive her husband is. "Yes, I do", she replies.
The husband pauses the words not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for twenty years?"
"I remember that, too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."
HAHAHAHAHAH!!! That is awesome!!!! I am in!
Ok, did you hear about the guy who walked through a screen door and strained himself?
2 guys walk into a bar. The third guy, seeing his friends on the ground, ducks.
What is the most commonly found thing between an 85 year old womans breats? Her belly button.
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the wife had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, the husband had never thought about the box, but one day his wife got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the husband took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her to explain.
"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living together. He almost burst with happiness.
"Sweetheart," he said, "That explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "That's the money I made from selling the other dolls."
Ole married an attractive woman, Lena, half his age. After several months, Lena complained that she had never climaxed during sex; and according to her Grandma, all Norwegian farm women are entitled to a climax once in a while. So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the large-animal Vet since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in Minnesota.
The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his Mother and Dad, Olga and Sven, would fan a cow that was having any difficulty birthing a calf to cool her down and make her struggles easier. So, the Vet told them to hire strong, virile, young man to wave a towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to climax.
So the couple hired a young man from the big city of Minneapolis named Lars to wave a towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, still no climax! . They went back to the Vet. The Vet said for Lena to change partners and let Lars have sex with her while Ole waved the towel. They tried it that night and Lena went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one after the other.
When it was over, Ole smugly looked down at Lars and said, "Ya see, city slicker, now THAT's how ya vave a towel!"
Ireland Declares War on France
Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at
the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that
we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big
is your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself,
me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team
from the pub. That makes eight!"
Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army
waiting to move on my command." "Begorra!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is
still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Marphy's farm tractor."
Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks
and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to
150,000 since we last spoke.""Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have
to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is
still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified
McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and
four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell
you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military
bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And
since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.
Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and
decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners."
A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of 'a house of ill repute' and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'
Of course the Madam said 'No'.
The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.'
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'
He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!'
Shortly after Valentine's Day, 3 ladies met for lunch. They immediately started comparing how their husbands did with their Valentine's Day gifts.
The first lady said "MY husband gave me a full length mink coat!"
The second lady said "MY husband gave me a 5 carat diamond ring!"
The third lady said "MY husband didn't give me a gift. But when he's aroused, 13 parakeets standing side by side can use him as a perch."
The ladies continued eating their lunches, and after a while, the first lady said, "I'm afraid I exaggerated a bit. That mink coat is actually a rabbit fur scarf."
The second lady, feeling guilty, said "I exaggerated, too. That 5-carat diamond is a 1-carat cubic zirconia."
The third lady sighed deeply and admitted, "I exaggerated, too. That 13th parakeet has to stand on one leg."