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Thread: Tell a Joke to Enter Contest 2 Winners - 9/15 Drawing

  1. #21
    Senior Member tkern's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Washington, DC
    Flamed Orange Piranah maple wood.

    A bear walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender and says "Can I have a gin........ and tonic?"

    The Bartender goes "Sure but why the big pause?"

    The bear lifts his paws and says "Oh these, I've had them all my life."

  2. #22
    Senior Member tkern's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Washington, DC
    How many hipsters does it take to turn a light bulb?

    Its an obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.

  3. #23
    An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he
    called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is
    it or the express degree you told me about?"

    "It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon,
    why do you want to become a lawyer?"

    "That's my business! Get me the course!"

    Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer
    was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

    Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and
    it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the
    lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late,
    tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before
    you died?"

    In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said,
    "One less lawyer . . ."

    Looks like olive wood to me!

  4. #24
    Senior Member Mr.Magnus's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2012
    Stockholm, Sweden
    Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

    Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

    "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

    "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

  5. #25
    GoogleFu San steeley's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    San Diego,Ca
    orange mallee ?

    An old man goes to a Social Security office to apply for benefits but forgets his ID. The social worker says, "Just unbutton your shirt."

    The old man complies, and the social worker says, "The gray chest hairs are all the proof I need," and gives him his check.

    The man tells his wife, who responds, "If you'd dropped your pants, you'd have gotten disability, too!
    A clever cook can make good meat of a whetstone.” Erasmus

  6. #26
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    This one needs to be read aloud.

    Why do you only have one egg for breakfast in France?

    Because in France, one egg is un oeuf.

  7. #27

    knyfeknerd's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Charlotte, NC AKA The Queen City! The lint-filled belly button of the south.
    Why do blondes wear panties?
    To keep their ankles warm.
    If "Its" and "Buts" was candy and nuts, we'd all have a Merry Christmas
    -Cleon "Slammin'" Salmon

  8. #28
    Engorged Member
    El Pescador's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2011

    Two fish in a tank. First says to the second "can you drive this thing?"

  9. #29
    Senior Member
    sachem allison's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    I haven't lived the life I wanted, just the lives I needed too at the time.

  10. #30
    Senior Member stevenStefano's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Norn Iron
    My wife asked me to show her a good time

    So I showed her a picture of me and my mates before I got married

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