Tell a Joke to Enter Contest 2 Winners - 9/15 Drawing

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Weird Wood Pusher
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The prize for this contest is a block of Stabilized **** ***** Burl. There will be 2 winners.
Since these are my only two pieces of this wood, it makes more sense to give them away than to sell them. If you don't use them for a knife handle they make a good paperweight, chewy toy (Spike) or ???? I'm just doing this for new jokes.

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Here is how the contest works.
To make an entry into the contest just post a joke in this thread and guess what type of wood this is.
Make a separate post for each Joke. The post number of your joke is your entry number.
The more jokes you post the better your chance of winning.

On the 15th I will use the random number generator to select the winning numbers.
There will be 2 numbers selected. 1st number gets the bigger block.
I will pay for the shipping to wherever the winners live.

This is a contest where everyone wins.
Even if you don't win a prize you still get to enjoy the jokes.
Really good jokes and Really dumb ones have an equal chance of winning.
 
Are politically incorrect jokes allowed?
 
Guy walks into a bar on the second floor of a building. Sits down at the bar, and orders a drink. Man next to him starts talking to him about the properties of drinking beer, and tells the guy if he drinks enough, the gas bubbles will make him weightless. Guy looks at him, almost laughs, and is like yeah right. The drunkard picks up on this, and says, "Oh yeah, I'll prove it to you!! Just buy me a drink, and I'll float right out that window!" Guy is like, "sure, bartender, get this man another beer." Thinking at least he'll get to see some idiot fall out of the window. Man gets the beer, chugs it in a matter of seconds, walks over to the window, and floats out... The guy's jaw drops, he can't help start jumping around screaming, "holy crap, did you just see that!" Other guy comes walking back up the stairs, and is quickly greeted by the other one with, "Do that again!! Bartender, get this man another beer!" Other man doesn't disappoint, downs the beer, and floats out the window again. As the night goes on, and the new guy keeps seeing this happen, he gets drunk enough he thinks he can do the trick himself. Orders a beer from the bar, downs it, goes over to the window, and falls to the ground in a THUD! Bartender just looks at the other guy, and says, "Superman, you can be such an ass when you're drunk!"
 
Nice idea for a giveaway but, shoot, can't think of a good joke right now. Maybe later!
 
Rock maple...

Why do the hipsters not excel in the martial arts?
They cannot get passed the white belt.....
 
What is the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels?
 
tiger maple burl?

what did the digital clock say to it's mom?

look ma, no hands
 
a hint on the wood.
Many of the groves in California are being removed as the land is being developed.
When you sand the wood it smells like the fruit from the tree.
 
I guess it's rock maple, at least it looks a lot like it.

What's brown and floats through walls?
SPOOKY DOOKIE!!!

yeah sorry, that's really the only PG rated joke I've got.
 
Maple. this is old but still one of my favorites.


A blind man enters a lady's bar by mistake. Finding his way to the bar, he orders a drink. After a few drinks he yells, "Does anybody want to hear a blonde joke?"

The place gets silent. Then a woman with a deep, husky voice sitting to the right of the man says, "Sir, since you are blind, I think it is only fair to let you know that

The bartender is a blonde woman.

The bouncer is a blonde woman.

The woman on your left is blonde and a professional wrestler.

I'm a six foot tall blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

The woman next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

Do you still want to tell that joke?"

"Well, **** no," says the man. "Not if I'm gonna have to explain it FIVE times."
 
Here is a riddle for a five year old.
Q: why is six afraid of seven
A: because seven eight nine
 
orange tree burl?

why was the computer geek disappointed at the zoo?

he couldn’t find any ram
 
Well, if you give it away in hints, I'll say grapefruit.

An old one: The phone rings at the bar owner's place at 11am and wakes the guy after a long night."What!?" "Oh, I just wanted to know when your bar opens." asks a guy who clearly already had a few drinks too many. "And you wake me up for that? - At 9pm!", hangs up. Around 2pm, the phone rings again. "Hey, when dss your llttle baar open?" - Same guy clearly wasted. "At 9pm, I told you before!" screams the bar owner and hangs up. Phone rings again at 5pm: "Heeelloo, whe - oops - wheen dss your nice lttle bar open?" - the guy can hardly speak anymore. "I told you, at 9pm, but as wasted as you are, there is no way I will let you in!" Says the bar owner. "Whadda you mean 'in' - want out!" says the guy...

Stefan
 
avocado tree burl?


what's orange and sounds like a parrot?

a carrot...
 
Little johnny was in first grade and asked to do a show and tell. He forgot to bring anything with him, so he went up to the front of the class, grabbed the chalk, and put a dot on the board. The teacher asked him what it was, and why it was important. Little Johnny replied, its a period. Darned if I know why it is important, but it must be because when my sister told my parents she missed hers, my mom passed out and my dad had a heart attack.
 
What did the math book say to the pencil?



"I have alot of problems".
 
What two things in the air gets a blonde pregnant?........Her legs!.
 
Flamed Orange Piranah maple wood.


A bear walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender and says "Can I have a gin........ and tonic?"

The Bartender goes "Sure but why the big pause?"

The bear lifts his paws and says "Oh these, I've had them all my life."
 
An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he
called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is
it or the express degree you told me about?"

"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon,
why do you want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business! Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer
was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and
it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the
lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late,
tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before
you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said,
"One less lawyer . . ."


Looks like olive wood to me!
 
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
 
orange mallee ?

An old man goes to a Social Security office to apply for benefits but forgets his ID. The social worker says, "Just unbutton your shirt."

The old man complies, and the social worker says, "The gray chest hairs are all the proof I need," and gives him his check.

The man tells his wife, who responds, "If you'd dropped your pants, you'd have gotten disability, too!
 
This one needs to be read aloud.

Why do you only have one egg for breakfast in France?

Because in France, one egg is un oeuf.
 
Why do blondes wear panties?
To keep their ankles warm.
 
Almond?

Two fish in a tank. First says to the second "can you drive this thing?"
 
My wife asked me to show her a good time

So I showed her a picture of me and my mates before I got married
 

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