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I decided to have this contest for a couple of selfish reasons.
#1 - I am easily amused.
#2 - I need some new jokes for here at work. It has gotten to the point when I ask anyone here if they want to hear a joke, they start walking in the opposite direction.

To enter the contest make a post with your joke or funny story.
One entry per joke.
If you know a lot of jokes, you get to have a lot of entries.

On July 31st I will use the random number generator to see who is the winner. Giving a bit of time like this for the drawing gives you plenty of time to seek out new funny jokes for the contest.

Winner gets this piece of stabilized redwood burl.
I will pay for worldwide shipping as well.

It is 1&7/16" thick so it might even work for some of those weird looking octagon shaped handles you guys seem to like. (just teasing)
This is one of my last pieces from this burl. It has the tightest pattern of eyes I have ever seen. The only reason why I still have it is because I stashed a couple pieces and then forgot where I put them. I just found it yesterday when straightening up in my shop. There were 2 pieces. I am keeping one of them for myself.
 

Pensacola Tiger

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This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.


John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather who lived in a very rural (backwoods), area of Tennessee. His grandfather lived in a tiny shack, without electricity, with just his dog to keep him company.


John spent a great evening talking with the old man, and went to bed. The next morning, his grandfather prepared a breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. 



As he sat down to eat, John noticed a filmy coating on his plate and questioned his grandfather, asking him, "Are these plates clean?”



His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get ‘em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal.”


For lunch John’s grandfather made hamburgers. 
Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?”



Without looking up his grandfather said, “I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you worry, I don't want to hear another word about it!”



Later that day, John was about to leave and go home, but his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.



John called to his grandfather, “Your dog won't let me get to my car.”



Looking at the dog, John’s grandfather yelled, “Coldwater, go lay down now, you hear me!'”

 

mano

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When my kids were little I insisted every Wednesday at the dinner table was joke night. Tell a joke you heard or make one up. Now that they're grown up I make up jokes for my 7 year-old niece.

What is the king and queen's favorite tea?

Royalty!
 

kalaeb

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1. Little Johnny was in kindergarten and had to a project. For this project Johnny had to bring something important to class and describe what it was.

Johnny had forgotten about the project and came up with something on the fly. He waited until the very end and when he was asked to present what he had he quietly went up to the chalk board, picked up the chalk and placed a dot on the board.
The teacher asked him what it was and he replied, it is a period.

The teacher asked why he had shared it, or why he thought it was important and he responded, “darned it I know, but when my sister said she missed hers, my mom passed out, my dad had a heart attack and the neighbor next door shot himself. So it must be important.” :bashhead:

2. A pirate walked into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his testicles. The bar tender looked at the pirate and asked, “are you aware you have a steering wheel attached to your testicles?” The pirate responded by saying, “Arrgghh, tis drivin me nuts!” :pirate1:

3. What did the bird say when the cage broke? Cheap, cheap:moon:
 

mano

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What is a baby bear's favorite dessert?

Cub cakes!
 

tgraypots

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A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says, "I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you." Her husband asks, "Is that you, or the wine talking?" She replies, "It's me...talking to the wine."
 

Pensacola Tiger

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Sharing in marriage...

An elderly couple went into a McDonald’s. The man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, “That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them”.

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the woman hadn't eaten a bite. * She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the woman said “No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.”

Finally, as the man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the woman, who had yet to eat a single bite of food, and asked, “What is it you are waiting for?”

She answered, “The teeth.”
 

Darkhoek

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A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “I think my friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy, Sir. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
 

Darkhoek

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A man was walking down the streets of Washington DC one night. All of a sudden a mugger sticks a gun in his ribs and says. "Give me all your money!"

He replied, "Do you realize I am an important member of congress?" The robber said, "In that case, give me all my money!"
 

SpikeC

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A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says to him, "did you know that there is a drink named after you?" And the grasshopper replied," you mean there's a drink named Howard?"
 

Pensacola Tiger

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Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little five-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's five-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars ‘pay’ she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those ******** at Lowe's ever deliver the damn sheet rock..."
 

PierreRodrigue

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So one day in class thing were getting out of hand with kids calling each other names, like stupid, idiot, moron, etc. The teacher walks in, and not likeing what she is hearing, gets the students back to their seats, and quiet again, in the middle of her constructive lecture, she says to the class "If there is any one here, who thinks they are an idiot, or stupid, please stand up." The students quietly look at each other, then little Johnny stands up. The teacher asks, "Johnny, do you really think you are an idiot or stupid?" to which Johnny says "No, I just felt bad that you were standing all by yourself!"
 

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These are good jokes.
My boss actually laughed when I told one to him.
That hasn't happened in a while.
 

Mike Davis

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What's the first thing you find between a 90 year old woman's boobs?
Her bellybutton.

Why is there no CSI department in Alabama?
There are no dental records and all the DNA is the same.

this is hard.....most of the jokes i know are pretty bad....Is anyone here easily offended? No offense intended to anyone...Some are pretty bad lol

IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED< SKIP THESE JOKES!

What is the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator?
The fridge doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

Ghandi, Dennis Miller and Michael Jackson are on a plane with a Boy Scout troop. As they start flying over the ocean, one of the engines dies out. There are 15 Boy scouts and 2 pilots. There 10 parachutes. The 2 pilots grab chutes and bail. Ghandi steps and and say's " We must do everything in our power to save the children!" Dennis Leary say's "Screw the children!" Michael Jackson say's "Do you think we have enough time?"

I have more but some are bad and i apologize if i offended anyone....Sorry
 

Eamon Burke

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There was a man who was found stranded on an island after 10 years of being lost. Some researchers took him back to the island, to learn how he'd survived. Up on a hill, they saw three structures, and asked "Did you build those?" The man told them he did, so they asked him what the first building was.
"That's my house, where I sleep."
That makes sense, they thought. "Well, what about the one next to it?"
"That's my church, it's where I pray to God."
The researchers were astounded! That a man surviving on his wits alone would take the time and effort to erect a chapel impressed them greatly.
"What's that last one?"
The man looked, snorted with derision and said, "Oh that?" as he rolled his eyes, "that's where I used to go to church.":rolleyes2:
 

Burl Source

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So far it has been the wife with the wine joke and the kid & the construction workers.

I have been laughing out load reading these jokes.
I keep coming back to see what gets posted next.
Haven't gotten much work done, but it's been a good day.

OK, I guess it's my turn for a joke.

A blind man goes into a bar with his white cane and dark glasses.
He makes his way up to the bar and sits on a stool.
The bartender comes over and asks "can I get you something to drink?"
The blind man answers, "Sure, I'll take a beer, but do you want to here a dumb blonde joke first?"
The bartender answers " I couldn't help but notice when you came in that you are blind. Before you think about telling your dumb blonde joke I should probably give you a warning. Sitting at the other end of the bar are 2 police officers both with blonde hair. Behind you at a table are a marine and a fire fighter, both blonde. And last there is me, 6 foot 4 and blonde hair. Now.... do you still want to tell your dumb blond joke?"
The blind man answers, "No, not if I'm going to have to explain it 5 times."
 

goodchef1

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guy walks into a bar and sees a horse with a sign above (make this horse laugh and cry, and win free beer for a year) Guy walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear. All of a sudden, the horse starts breaking out in laughter, then he walks the horse into the bathroom then comes out with the horse following suit bawling in tears.

He tells the bartender "okay now I'll take my first free beer" The bartender stood amazed "what did you do?" The guy says "first I told him that my thing was bigger then his, the second time, I showed him"
 

Dave Martell

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A little foul but hey - it's a wood joke. :D

Click the spoiler tag to read....

A man in a bar, after several drinks, began bragging that he could identify any type of wood by its smell only. The patrons of the bar decided to test him.

The man was blindfolded and presented with several
pieces of wood.

First they tried maple. He smelled it and said, "That's maple."

They then tried ebony; he again smelled it and named the wood correctly.

He did this with ever piece of wood they brought before him.

The bartender then got an idea to trick him. And they took one of the waitresses and put her crotch up to his nose. He sniffed for a while.

"Boy," he said "this is difficult, flip that board over and let me smell the other side."

So they took the waitress and put her ass near his nose.
He took a big whiff, started to smile and said, "You guys can't fool me! That is the sh*t house door from a tuna boat!"
 

Pensacola Tiger

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Wife From Hell

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says to the driver, “I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.”

The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60. Perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”

The man’s wife interrupts from the passenger seat, “Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.”

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can't you please be quiet?”

The wife smiles demurely and says, “Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.”

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?”

The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.”

The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”

The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.”

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP!”

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?”

“Only when he's been drinking.”
 

mano

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Oh, you want funny jokes?

A wife said to her husband, "If I die, I want you to remarry and let your new wife have all my belongings"

"Oh no, I could never do that, I love you too much and would never think of replacing you."

"I love you too, that's why I want you to be happy with someone else. She can have my clothes, jewelry, even my car."

"Oh no, I don't even want to think of you dying, much less having her use your things!"

"Please, dear, I mean it. I want her to use everything of mine, even my golf clubs."

"Sorry, that wouldn't work out. She's a lefty."
 

apicius9

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O.k., this one will get me in trouble, it's neither politically nor historically correct, and probably not for the religiously sensitive either.

Jesus walks down a road and sees a crowd of women and men that has gathered near a wall. When he gets closer, he sees that they are stoning a young woman. He walks up and says "He that Is Without Sin Among You, Let Him First Cast a Stone". A woman in the first row picks up a stone and throws it at the young woman. Jesus turns to her and says "Mom, sometimes you are really getting on my nerves."

Stefan
 

Pensacola Tiger

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Yesterday I was at my local Walmart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Lugnut, the Wonder Dog, and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost fifty pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV’s in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish setter's butt and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Walmart won't let me shop there anymore.
 

steeley

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Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "The other day, I was cleaning Father McInty's room and I found pornographic magazines under his bed!"

The second nun said, "I can top that. Yesterday I was cleaning Father McInty's room and I found some condoms!"

The other nuns asked, "What did you do with them?"

The second nun said, "I poked holes in them."

The third nun fainted
 

Eamon Burke

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A priest went to the bishop and said he had a problem. He was in love with one of the Sisters!
"Oh, that's not a big deal," said the bishop, "just don't get into the habit."
 

Mike Davis

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Yesterday I was at my local Walmart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Lugnut, the Wonder Dog, and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost fifty pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV&#8217;s in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish setter's butt and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Walmart won't let me shop there anymore.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! That is freakin EPIC!
 

Mike Davis

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A guy walks into a bar and orders 7 shots of tequila. The bartender asks" What's the occasion?" The guy replies, "I am celebrating my first blow job." The bartender say's "Hell, here is a shot on the house!" The guy replies, "It's ok, if these don't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
 

Vladimir

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It's really going on near our city.
We lived near two men, one had a dog, and the second was a rabbit home.
Every summer, the owner had offered a rabbit for a walk in the yard.
Neighbor's dog when she saw a rabbit very much barking and rushed to the fence.
Rabbit owner comes to the house owner and the dog says, look if your dog does something bad with the rabbit I shot her.
Once the dog has escaped from his master and came only at night and in the teeth it was dirty the rabbit was dead.
The owner of the dog was frightened rabbit washed with shampoo and dried his fur dryer.
Climbed over the fence to the neighbor and put a dead rabbit in a cage.
In the morning a neighbor came with a bottle of vodka, and said the owner of the dog, let's have a drink, I'm going crazy.
Last night died my favorite rabbit, I buried him, and now go out into the yard, but it is clean and fluffy in the cell sits
 

mano

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Sean and Murray walk by the church and Sean says, "Wait here while I go in for confession."

He confesses to the priest having an affair with a married woman and the priest tells him, "For me to give absolution you have to tell me her name."

Sean refuses and the priest says, "Was it Mrs. Kennedy?"

"I won't betray a confidence."

"Was it Mrs. Sullivan?"

"I told you I won't say."

"Was it Mrs. McGinn?"

"Please stop asking. I won't say."

"In that case, leave without absolution."

Sean goes out to his friend who asks, "So, did you get forgiveness?"

"No, but I got three good leads!"
 

Mike Davis

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A man and woman are having sex in the woods late one night. The man say's "I wish i had a flashlight." The woman say's"Me too...you have been eating grass for ten minutes."
 

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