win a knife! not really, but you can use it on one. Time for a Giveaway

[sachem allison]

with all the things that have been going on in my personal life and all the wonderful support I have been getting from you all. I felt it was time to do a give away. I would like to thank Dave and all the moderators for doing the best job they can, working with diminished capacities and all. I would like to thank the diminished capacities IE: the Knife Knuts for all your contributions, I learn a lot and many of your questions force me to use my brain and try to remember the things I used to know, so thanks.
So, here it is. I want stories, I don't care what it's about, It can be funny, sad, happy, tawdry, no gushy stuff, it just has to be interesting. if you do tawdry pictures are always welcome. In a weeks time, I will pick the one I like the best and you will get the prize. That's it.

I know that a lot of you do not get the opportunity to use or possess exotic or rare items, either because they are too expensive or you never thought of it or a million other reasons, well here is an opportunity have something to work with or have made into something cool and unique. I am giving away one small Hippo Ivory tooth. it can be used to inlay something, make a ferrule, small set of scales or a hidden tang knife handle. The tooth is 7 1/2 in long and 1 in in diameter, it has a weird tip, I don't know what the little guy was eating. here are some pics. The giveaway will end on 5/16 at midnight. I want good stories, You don't have to be good writers, just write likje you speak and it will be fine. I personally suck at writing. have fun dragging up those memories. fiction, non fiction whatever is fine. no gushy!

 

[sachem allison]

really? nobody wants it? you guys are disappointing me.:eyebrow:

 

[Deckhand]

After the killer whale tooth I had wanted my whole life to wear around my neck. Feel I am overpaid. I can add stories if you want.

 

[Deckhand]

I was on Andros in the Bahamas spearfishing with a Hawaiian sling that had a button for release. I had a good spear tip on it. I was trying to get a grouper under a coral head in 20ft of water. I had speared many fish successfully. Still don't know what the deal was. Maybe tough skin as it was a big grouper. The spear bounced of the grouper a couple times this put some blood in the water. I looked over and saw a big shadow in the distance on the bottom. I then saw it was a tiger shark between 12-15ft. I shot up to the surface and was jumping in the boat. My buddy was originally going to jump in to help corner the fish then he saw the look in my eyes and stopped. I jumped in the boat and the tiger shark came up the 20ft and banged the side of the boat.

 

[Deckhand]

I was on a Kawasaki ninja doing 110 m.p.h. on the 210fwy by Pasadena when I hit a weather groove on the freeway. It took me across three lanes and yes there were cars on the freeway. The adrenaline surge from that would have made me crash as my arms started shaking. I pushed my arms forward to lock my shoulders and elbows this let me ride without crashing until the adrenaline calmed down. Don't want to do a bunch of motorcycle stories but had many experiences with them and scars to prove it on dirt bikes. Never dropped my ninja, but used to use my digital watch and try to beat my record to work every morning. coworkers thought I was nuts sliding into my parking space and hitting my watch.

 

[Eamon Burke]

I like it, but I wouldn't use it. I'd just look at it, so I'm passing.

 

[Lefty]

Alright, I'd love this piece, so I'll go ahead.

I was out to dinner with my wife, my bestfriend, his wife and another frien of ours. We went to a nice "Asian inspired" restaurant, in a very nice part of town. We ordered various curries, Thai dishes and multiple Tiger beers. The food was fantastic, and the beer was...well, beer.
At the end of the meal, I stood up to quickly use the washroom (rest room to most of you). As I stood up, I looked out the window that our table was next to. Eerily peering in was a man dressed in a tweed coat, one of those earflapped winter hats that I always associate with John Candy, and some relatively stylish glasses. For one reason or another, I panicked and let out the manliest of all schoolgirl yelps. Everyone jumped, turned around to see what had spooked me and did the same, as this man peered in, smiling and waving at us. A good laugh was had by all....
After we paid for the meal, we were heading to the car and the same old man was hovering around our vehicles. He stopped my wife and asked, "Excuse me, ma'am, are you going to eat that?", while pointing at the take out container in her hand. As we tend to do, she said, "No, but I hope you like spicy food". He thanked us as she handed him the box. He then stopped my friend and asked her the same question. Although it seemed a tad pushy, we all just handed hi our leftover food, feeling that maybe we had done a bit of good.
We then went to our friends's house and continued with our drinking and eating.

Two days later, my wife and I went to the same area of town an while walkin from one store to another, we noticed the man from two days before. He saw us and came up to us to say hello, and thank us...or so we thought. He said he recognized us from the night I just described, and while the food was delicious, it had given him an "unrelenting bout of diarrhea", which caused him to ruin his only good pair of pants.

That was very likely the worst I have ever felt for helping out a person in need.

PS. This is actually a true story. Haha

 

[sachem allison]

I like it, but I wouldn't use it. I'd just look at it, so I'm passing.

go for it, looking at it is perfectly fine.

 

[oivind_dahle]

Here goes.

As some of you know I work as a business advisor and last couple of years Ive been working with some high profiled persons around the globe, being their personal advisor regarding financial questions. One day I sat in my office and Donald called me and asked me to come over for a round of golf with him and Tiger. After having a good 18 hole set, we was joined up by Warren. The man is a living corpse, but hell he makes a hell of a Bloody Mary. So we knocked down a couple of drinks when Tiger started to wiping about his x. By this time Warren was asleep, so we headed back to fifth to Donalds tower in the chopper. Tiger kept wining all the way, so when we got in the limo we decided to drop Warren and Tiger off. Donald and I ended up in bar in the meatpacking district called the Bagatelle. Nice bar, and started to party really heard and as usual Donald wanted me to wing him. After getting some rejections (the man don't look that good) we ended up in a pretty good company. Headed over to "the box" with our new friends, and I still needed to wing Donald. While getting past the line at "the box", Hugh suddenly called and asked if we needed company. Well, the man is after all a legend and we accepted. That night I ended up with this insane good-looking model called "angel". Gotta love that night.

I can't post pics as you will go to the media, sorry.

 

[Deckhand]

I used to play nine ball, eight ball, etc. with guys like Keith McCready(color of money),Morro Paez,little Al Romero,etc. I was in a pool hall called Mr.Q's at that time. An Asian gang was inside playing pool. A rival gang drove up and started getting chains(literally), knives, tire irons etc. and was coming to the door. Looked like the Warriors come out and play scene. I stood in the door, blocked it and stopped them. I told them I could care less if they all wanted to go down to the park down the street and kill each other, but not in my livingroom. They left. More than one time people were shot there. I was there once for that type of unnecessary excitement. Preferred Hard Times in Bellflower. Better players and less drama.

 

[Deckhand]

I was with Todd Bridges from Different Strokes at Jerry's Famous Deli in Studio City. Some girls ran up wanting autographs, etc. they said, "Are you Todd Bridges?" He looked over at me and said, "Richard,do I look like Todd Bridges?" I said, "Wow, you know what, you do look kind of like Todd Bridges, that's pretty cool." The girls walked away perplexed.:biggrin:

 

[knyfeknerd]

Niloc must be busy because he would totally be ruling this s*%$ right now. Give me till later tonight when I get off work, maybe I can share something touching.

 

[sachem allison]

wow this is sad, only three guys.

 

[Crothcipt]

Relax son it is only day 1 out of a week. I am choosing my story right now. You left it kinda broad scope, so it will take time.

 

[apicius9]

Just not in story-telling mood these days... Besides, I'd probably just glue some horn and nickel silver to it and stick it on a wa knife, maybe someone else has more creative ideas

Stefan

 

[knyfeknerd]

So at the old catering company I used to be the Exec Chef at..........................
.........we do a very large horse racing(rhymes with people chase) event each year. Probably about 5000 people we feed for the day. Prepping for the event will run you beyond ragged. I have to load a semi(Sysco) trailer with all the prepped food for the day. Organizing this kind of thing can be mind-numbing. I leave work that night around 11pm.
I've got to be out to the event by 3am to start breakfast. It's dark. This place is way out in the boonies so no lights anywhere. I've gotta piss. Like I drank a pot of coffee in an hour to wake up and I gotta piss. Did I mention that I had to piss???
Thank the Gods for the awesome Port-A-Potty!!!
Oh sweet relief!!!
In the dark I did not realize that the lid was down. I am covered in warm urine before I knew what was happening, I mean my chef pants are f*$#ing soaked! I've got a 13+ hour day ahead of me and I'm going to smell of piss all day, sweet.
I've alerted everyone to my situation and have no solution as nudity is not acceptable.
Time to unload the semi-trailer. In the trip from the kitchen to the horse track some things fell over and got ruined. Also, the partition that seperates the freezer from the cooler section has popped open too. EVERYTHING IS FROZEN!!! Salad greens, eggs, deli meat, Cheese, etc. Anything, everything is frozen rock solid.
Some DBag has the balls to tell me to relax. That freaking out won't help anything-yeah but me strangling you will make me feel better!!!
Hey, you aren't covered in piss with 100% of your food ruined!
...............long story short, the thankfully bright sun thawed my food out beautifully that day. Only minimal loss to some greens,etc. However I did still smell of piss all day. So F-ing gross. When you're 2 hours away from fresh pants, what can you do? Making S*%# happen is what we do, no matter the situation-no excuses or explanations!
These rich people have got to eat!!!
As for the DBag that told me to chill.................
....that's a story for another day.

 

[sachem allison]

Relax son it is only day 1 out of a week. I am choosing my story right now. You left it kinda broad scope, so it will take time.

just bored and the new drugs are making me antsy and irritable. Don't pay any attention to me.lol

 

[Deckhand]

A walk on a beach. I went for a walk at Carpenteria state beach with my then girlfriend. As we were walking you go around little rock outcrops between coves. As we went into the next cove a beautiful woman was laying top up completely naked. I had to act like I had blinders on so I wouldn't get punched. As we went another cove or two I had to pee. There aren't any restrooms there. I had just gotten a good stream going when a cute elderly couple walked around the corner right where I was. The man looked over and said, " hey, when ya gotta go ya gotta go."

 

[knyfeknerd]

Continuation........of the DBag guy story. Let's call him Dick for short. That is seriously a shortening of his name, not a pun. New hire, in the "probationary period". So for weeks before the "people chase" event, this guy was really sucking. I knew he wasn't going to make it, but I needed some warm bodies for the big event. I asked him to make marinara sauce which he made his mirepoix-a whole unpeeled carrot thrown in the mix. I asked him what the hell he was doing and said it would be fine. That he would just puree everything anyway. I asked him to clean tenderloins-of which he only took off the chain and left all the silverskin on. Had him clean and grill flank-he just opened up the cryovac and threw it straight on a cold grill.
I also got wind that he was trying to incite some racial tension amongst my troops by taking employees in the walk-in and saying stuff like "I ain't used to working for those people" and "don't you see how he treats you because you are black?" My employees stood up for me. You can call me many things, an a#$hole, bald, ugly, stupid, whatever, but I am SOOOO not racist.
So the Monday after the big event, I've gotta let Dick go. North Carolina is a "Right to Work" state, meaning I can fire anyone at any time for any reason. This is also easy that Dick is still in my company's "probationary period". He is not happy, and leaves.
The next week he begins calling my bosses/owners. Claiming I am racist. That this is the most racist/sexist place he has ever worked. Every person in the building is racist. He calls the labor board and is totally gunning to get me fired. I am not a violent person, but I totally want to strangle this guy or punch him repeatedly or both!
Skip ahead one week. Friday. Payday.
I have just come from the hospital. My wife had a miscarriage after 4 months. I am distraught. Especially that I can't stay with my wife after this happened. I can't be with my wife after this surgery.
So who decides to walk through the kitchen to get his check?Through the F-ing kitchen when we have an office and a front door too!?!???
You guessed it -Dick!
He starts wagging his finger at me telling me how racist I am. I lose it. I want to kill this guy.
My 350lb buddy Javy has me wrapped up so I can't get Dick. I mean I've got Javy up off the floor and he's having a hard time holding on to me, but thank God he does.
I totally would have killed this guy-that's just the kind of day I was having.
Thanks to my employees who had my back. Standing up for me and holding me back from doing something stupid.
Thanks guys and girls.
If I saw Dick walking down the street today, I would just let it go.
I'm over it.

 

[Keith Neal]

My father was a B-17 aircraft commander at the age of 19, flying missions into Germany. The B-17s were often shot up pretty badly during these missions. On one mission Dad was struggling away from the target area with two engines gone and one smoking. He could not maintain altitude or stay with the group, so he was alone in an area known for German fighters who liked to pick off such stragglers. He called for help. Some Red Tails (P-51 Mustangs) of the Tuskeegee Airmen group were in the area and heard his call. They joined up with him and their leader said "Don't you worry white boy, we'll get you home", and they did.

Years later, long after Dad was gone, my Mother heard about a Tuskeegee Airman reunion in her area. She wrangled an invitation, and told the story to the group, asking if anyone knew who the Red Tails in the story were. No one knew, but they loved the story.

 

[Lucretia]

My First View of a Nekkid Man

When I was around 14-15 years old (yeah, I'm old enough that girls generally hadn't seen at nekkid man at that age) a family friend invited me out sailing. He rented a small boat at a marina and we headed out for a morning on the water. So there I was, in a bikini and sunglasses, perched on the bow and ready for a day on the water.

To get out of the marina, you had to navigate around anchored boats. Silly me, I assumed the guy I was with knew how to sail. Next thing I know we were heading right at one of the expensive-looking anchored boats. "You're going to hit it!" I said. "No, no!" he replied. "I'll tack at the last minute." "You're going to HIT IT!" I said. "No, no! I'll tack!" "YOU'RE ABOUT TO HIT IT!!!!" at which point I started pushing us off the other boat as hard as I could (yes, we were that close) and managed to keep us from ramming it, but we still bumped it pretty hard--then slid behind it, where our rudder promptly got tangled in the line to the dinghy (did I say this was a big, EXPENSIVE boat that we hit?)

Next thing I know, this angry naked man comes running out of the cabin--"WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY BOAT!?!?!?!" and a few other pithy comments. We got untangled, he didn't shoot us, and we finally got out to do a little sailing.

He was tanned all over. And I'd lost my sunglasses.

 

[Burl Source]

A couple days ago I was standing in the doorway to my shop.
The sun was shining and it felt good. I just stood there thinking, absent mindedly pulling on my beard.
It is a goatee that I have let grow pretty long.

Next thing I hear some kids laughing.
One calls out "Who is that crossing my Bridge?"
Another calls back "It is I, Billy Goat Gruff"
Then they all ran away calling out "Baaaaaaa, look, there is Billy goat gruff. Baaaaaaa"
Laughing as they ran away.

 

[Lucretia]

:rofl2:

 

[cookinstuff]

Mark's post just made my day, time for work .

 

[mano]

In 1974 at age 19 I spent three months hitchhiking and backpacking around the country. A ride dropped me off in Phoenix near dusk and I found my way to the YMCA to get a room for the night. I didn’t have a reservation and the desk clerk said there were no vacancies, so I asked how to get to the University of Arizona. Back then, college kids were always willing to let people crash in their rooms, or in a common room in the dorm.

My first ride was from a guy named Ron, in his late 20’s driving a Firebird. We started talking and when I told him about my trip he offered me a job doing roofing for a week. I could live in one of the bungalows he managed. After saying yes to a sure place to stay and a chance to make some money, we drove around, drank a beer and stopped for gas. While he was at the pump, I helped a cute girl who was having difficulty with her gas cap. The thought of picking her up crossed my mind and it would’ve been easy to take my backpack from his car to hers. Before I got too far along Ron came between us and helped her himself. It was clear he sensed what I was thinking, but I didn’t make much of it.

We got back in his car and drove to the home of Vinnie, his roofing partner. We talked, drank a few beers and on our way to the bungalow, Ron told me about himself. He thought long-hairs were phony and he considered himself a low-rider. I’d intentionally cut my hair short before the trip, and being from the east I didn’t know from low-riders. By that point in the trip I’d developed what I thought was a decent sense for potential trouble, and while Ron was someone I knew to keep an eye on, he didn’t appear to be a threat.

We got to the bungalow, he showed me around and we agreed to start off to work at 7:00. It was a long day so I went to bed. I was asleep when I felt a presence in the room. Ron was sitting in a chair and Vinnie was standing next to him. Ron asked if I wanted to go play pool and drink some more beer. I told them no, and they left.

I had no idea how much later, but I woke up again and Ron was standing beside the bed with a gun pointed at my head. The lights were on and Vinnie was off to the side. Ron was in my face, repeating, “Get the change, Jack! We want the change!” I woke up real quick and gave him my wallet from under my pillow. Ron was angry there was less than $10 but I didn’t tell him about the $200 hidden in the back pack.

He started shouting and pointing the silver small caliber revolver at me. I was standing by a wall when he shot the gun to my lower left. Vinnie got real mad and hissed, “Ron, what the f**k are you doing? Someone is going to hear that and call the police!” While they argued I looked to see where the bullet should’ve hit and there was no hole, so I thought maybe it was a blank. I also looked at the back kitchen area, hoping there was a door, but no such luck.

Ron told me to go outside and get in the car. Instead of asking permission, I said, “Just let me get dressed.” I’d learned to never let myself feel at home during the trip and always kept the backpack ready to go. I grabbed it and thought, “No f’ing way am I getting in that car.” Once outside I told them, “Give me 60 seconds and you’ll never see me again,” and started to move toward the street. Ron punted me full-force in the butt and I swear both my feet left the ground. But I was off and running and glanced back to be sure they weren’t chasing me. About six houses down I darted between two homes and crouched under a wooden stair case that went to the second floor. A few minutes later I looked between the stairs and saw the Firebird cruising along. They were looking for me.

When your adrenalin is pumping in the midst of a threat, the passage of time becomes surreal. I remember waiting before deciding to run again, but then a dog in the adjacent house began to bark and a light went on over the side door. The dog, a young woman and her boyfriend came out. She kissed him and he drove off in his car. When the time seemed right I made another run the dog I thought was back in the house barked and ran at me. I shielded myself with the backpack and the dog suddenly stopped. It was tied up so I stayed out of range.

With my backpack slung under my arm I ran full tilt for a few blocks before slowing to a trot to get my bearings. The neighborhood was working class with some homes, apartments and small industrial type low-rises. Above the buildings a short distance away was glow of lights, which I figured was a business district. Still worried the guys were looking for me, I zigzagged in that direction.

Pretty soon I hit a wide, lit boulevard with stores and office buildings. Everything was closed and there weren’t many cars, but it felt safe, or at least safer. It couldn’t have been more than a block when I saw the same YMCA. Maybe I could hang out in one of the lobby chairs until the sun came up. The door was open, there was a clerk at the desk and the clock read 11:15. For the second time that day I asked if they had a room and he said, “You were here before, weren’t you? It’s good you came back, we have one room because someone didn’t keep their reservation.”

 

[knyfeknerd]

You'll get tired of hearing my stories, but I don't care. I'm going to tell them anyway, like a senile old man.
I cater (food)parties for a living. My daughter is 5 years old. The other day at school they were talking about what each of the kids parents do for a living. My daughter says that her daddy's job is "To Party" and "He parties every night"
The teachers must think I'm a degenerate drunk.

 

[SpikeC]

I was a member of the Village Idiots Motorcycle Club, and every year we had the annual meeting in Eureka CA., called the Lost Coast Luau. We would go for a ride down the Lost Coast, aka Mattole Road. It is a narrow goat path of a road south of Eureka through Petrolia. After a nice breakfast at the Samoa Cook house we headed out down the Lost Coast. I was riding my BMW K1200RS, a true road rocket bomber, leading my buddies on their assortment of sporty bikes. Most of these guys are club racers with more enthusiasm than sense, and we were moving at a pretty good pace. As I came up over a rise I saw a decreasing radius left hander in front of me. My front tire just shaved the edge of the crumbly pavement and dropped into the water filled ditch, stopping froward motion abruptly. When I came to my first comment was, as usual, "Where is my bike?"
It turned out the answer was "on top of me".

 

[The hekler]

I will relate to you the a story from my freshmen year in college and my introduction to north Philly. It started on a Friday night in October as I said I was a freshmen and was beginning to grow comfortable with my new college lifestyle. As most males recently separated from their parents on a friday evening I was at a frat party enjoying my freedom and doing what college students do. Mainly drink, argue sports, and harass young women. As the party begins to wind down I decide to walk to a chinese take out place about 3/4 of a mile from the party maybe a mile total from campus. This was at a time when philadelphia was the murder capital of the country "killadelphia" and our special part of the city was amoung the worst, think temple university and then some. So one of my buddies decides to give another friend of mine a wicked looking knife to carry to keep us safe. I had a can of pepper spray that I had promised my parents I would carry everywhere. So the two of us set off, my friend who was accompanying me was a remarkable fellow and indeed the most intersting man I have ever met. He was around 35 (he wasn't sure of his age and upon arriving in the united states immigration told him to pick his age, he was one of the "lost boys of Sudan", in case you are not aware of the story behind them it is well worth looking up.basically he and some million plus deplaced refugees wandered over a thousand miles trough deserts and hostile territory to escape their war torn homeland, something like a hundred thousand or less survived the journey. He had personally killed another man with his barehands during the journey and killed a leopard with a spear, both in self defense and was granted a scholarship to our university. Needless to say a bad ass and I felt perfectly comfortable walking the streets at three in the morning with him and my liquid courage from a fun night. As we are walking we begging to realize there is someone behind us hoodie over his head following is. It was unseasonably warm and the goodie seemed out of place so we begin to figure things might get bad. My friend tells me what ever happens follow his lead, and I am more than willing to trust his judgment we try to quicken our pace without seeming obvious but by this time the man is fairly close and we are not in a brightly lot area. He proceeds to call out after ignoring him for a but it gets to the point where he is only a few feet away and it becomes impossible to do so any longer. He produces a silver snub nose .38 and asks for our money, cell phones, credit cards... the usual. I have my pepper spray ready to go in my left hand invade my friend wants to go that route and my cash in the other (about $10 and an ATM card) as I knew this thing happens and it would be imprudent to carry more I have also left my phone at home. I hand the cash over and our assailant is not happy with his take as my friend had a similar amount of money and an ATM card. So he request we go with him to the ATM machine and take out more money. I am still casually holding my can of mace just invade but he does not notice as we get to the machine he foolishly stands behind me to see my account balance allowing my friend to gain position behind him. My friend takes this opportunity to grab our assailants gun while cutting his gun toting arm quite badly with the knife I manage to turn around and empty my can of mace into his face at which point he let's go and bleeding and coughing flees into the night without the gun. In my haste to spray the guy I did quite a good job of spraying myself and my friend an as he coughs I proceed to vomit spectacularly from a combination of stress, pepper spray and too much to drink. Long story short police are called by some friends in a nearby apartment, reports are filed someone is apprehended but released as he was not the guy, we lost $23 dollaRs my friend lost his card but cancelled it before any charges appeared I had my card as I was using it in the ATM machine when everything went down and I learned the value of not walking down a street drunk without a lot of friends. My friend thought it was no big deal while I barely left the campus for months afterwards. Needless to say we probably could have handled it better,obey is vary much replaceable while lives are not but I was vary happy to have had my friend with me an looking back it was a hell of an experience although one I hope to avoid repeating.

 

[Hermes7792]

When I was 16 my grandmother Idella's Alzheimer got super bad and every time I would go see her she could only remember my face and that I was a cook. Well the last time I went to see her she was doing OK for all it was worth and when I walked in she got a huge smile on her face(I was so busy with culinary school and work I never had much free time) and she said "Look! The kid is here!". she could never remember my name but for those last few weeks, I was "The kid". She never got to try any of my cooking, but I know she would have loved it. The only thing I inherited was her recipe book, and I know she loved her own cooking!

That was the happiest memory I had with her towards the end... So If I ever open a restaurant it will be "The Kid".

Thank you for all your generosity son, you are a true saint.

 

[mano]

Years back when I worked in the crisis and adult units of a North Philadelphia community mental health center I’d regularly have someone who needed to be hospitalized. They were floridly psychotic, sitting in my office while I made calls to different facilities looking for a bed. Sometimes it took up to a few hours.

One day Brenda, an African American woman who knew me well enough was in an agitated state, but agreed to be hospitalized. She had the option of changing her mind so I worked quickly and tried not rile her up. But what’s interesting about schizophrenics and some other psychotics, is their ability to pick up on what gets under your skin. A lot of them have a radar for pushing your buttons.

So, Brenda started to go off on the fact that I was a white Jewish guy. She really gave it to me in ways you can’t even imagine all the while I’m trying to do my job. After the 10th time she said, “I hate ******** Jews,” I turned to her and calmly said, “Brenda, what kind of Jews do you hate the most. Apple Jews, orange Jews, grape Jews? ”

She burst out laughing and let me find her a bed.