Why is this a surprise to anyone?:
NEW YORK—Emphasizing that the researchers were by no means happy about these results, an unfortunate study published by Columbia University this week found that abusing restaurant waitstaff is the secret to living a longer, happier life.
“After tracking thousands of individuals over a period of two decades, we can say with regrettable certainty that treating food service workers like subhuman garbage is the single most important factor in enhancing the length and quality of a human lifespan,” said the study’s lead author Dr. Elizabeth Mitran, who reluctantly explained that just 30 seconds of screaming at a waiter for slow entrées carries greater benefits than an hour of vigorous exercise.“We can’t in good conscience endorse this behavior, but every waiter you make cry adds another year to your life.”
- The Onion
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NEW YORK—Emphasizing that the researchers were by no means happy about these results, an unfortunate study published by Columbia University this week found that abusing restaurant waitstaff is the secret to living a longer, happier life.
“After tracking thousands of individuals over a period of two decades, we can say with regrettable certainty that treating food service workers like subhuman garbage is the single most important factor in enhancing the length and quality of a human lifespan,” said the study’s lead author Dr. Elizabeth Mitran, who reluctantly explained that just 30 seconds of screaming at a waiter for slow entrées carries greater benefits than an hour of vigorous exercise.“We can’t in good conscience endorse this behavior, but every waiter you make cry adds another year to your life.”
- The Onion
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