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A beautiful and obviously distraught woman is on the edge of a cliff yelling that she is going to jump and kill herself.

A wandering bum comes by and says " Hey, if you are going to kill yourself how about having sex with me first? ".

The woman screams out " No way in Hell! Get lost, you pervert ".

The bum replies " Okay, I'll just wait for you at the bottom ".
 
A bright young fresh-out-of-school auditor joined the IRS, excited to begin tracking down high-powered offenders. He was a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi. Looking over the books, the taxes were pretty straight forward, and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day interesting by having a little fun at the Rabbi's expense.

"Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles." "Yes," answered the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked. "A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then,they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer.

"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?" "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls." "Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?" "Here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we send them to the I.R.S."

"The I.R.S.?," questioned the auditor in disbelief. "Ahh, yes," replied the Rabbi, " the I.R.S. ...and about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."
 
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.

He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes when a large blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?"

The ventriloquist looks on in amazement.

"It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community," she continued,
"and of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination
against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize.

The blonde interjects, "You stay out of this, mister. I'm talking to that little guy on your knee!"
 
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde. She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note.... Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!
 
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."

"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."
 
A defendant was on trial for murder in Oklahoma. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.

In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

Answered the jury foreman: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn’t."
 
An older couple went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. The doctor examined them and then directed them to disrobe and go at it.

When the couple finished, the doctor reexamined them and, upon completion, advised the couple, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He then charged them $32.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems other than the lack of vigor which is to be expected with the elderly, get dressed, pay the doctor, and then leave.

Finally after almost two months of this routine, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "Oh, we're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married, so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. We do it here for $32 and I get $28 back from Medicare."
 
I entered an online competition for the best word play jokes. I entered ten times.

I thought I would have won,

but no pun-in-ten-did.
 
The drawing will be this afternoon around 5 PST.
So there is still plenty of time for any last minute jokes.
 
A sheap was standing on a hill, another sheap comes by and says Bahh, the other one says S**T that's what i was going to say.
 
Congratulations theLawlCat
The random number generator selected #31 as the winning post.

Type of wood......I don't know.
I know it is a variety of Oregon Oak that has spalted.
Most likely white oak. Kind of weird in a good way.
 
congrats lawlcat!
Thanks for the contest Mark!
 
Congrats lawlcat. You'll have to post some photos of whatever you do with the wood. :)
 
I sent a PM to the winner.
We will give a few days waiting for a response.
If I don't hear anything by Tuesday afternoon, then there will be a new drawing.

Thank You to everyone who entered.
Those of you who guessed some sort of oak, good guess. This wasn't an easy one.

Those of you who posted jokes, thank you.
I really enjoyed most of them.
 
Congrats lawlcat. And for what it is worth, if he doesn't answer, I think cclin (charles) should get it as he had the posts both before and after #31.

k.
 
thanks, Karring. I think new drawing is more fair if lawlcat is not response. I enter this contest just for fun:biggrin:
 
cclin said:
thanks, Karring. I think new drawing is more fair if lawlcat is not response. I enter this contest just for fun:biggrin:
Click to expand...

Yeah, you're right. I was just highlighting your almost good luck (or bad luck) -- depending upon how one looks at it ;)

I'm sure the winner will step forward.

k.
 
Well..... the Lawlcat hasn't been around for about a week.
I tried sending a PM and no response and I am unable to send an email because they are not set up to receive emails.

So......we will try again with another drawing.
The new winner is post #92. Congratulations DaveB.
If that is you, send me a PM with your first and last name.
Make sure you are registered in the web store so I can post your store credit.
 
darn darn darn, out of town for the last week and didn't log on. Wow I feel dumb
 
I was on the phone with Dave and he was willing to give thelawlcat more time.
Then I got a PM from the cat.
So......theLawlcat still wins the $100 store credit prize.
and Dave gets a block of stabilized Bog Oak as 2nd place for being so cool about everything.
 
Kewl! Timing was a almost bizare, glad it worked out all the way around. Many thanks Mark.

Regards,

Dave
 
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