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How do you hide money from a hippie?

Put it under the soap!
 
Speaking of golf:


Tom decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes. His wife was standing there watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your golf clubs."
Tom gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
”I wasn't”
 
“Even after 20 years of marriage, there is still this tension between my wife’s father and me. He’s always giving me a look like, ‘You’re having sex with my daughter.’ And I’m always giving him a look like, ‘Barely.’ ” — Brian Kiley
 
“I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.” — Jon Friedman
 
“I know I’m not mentally qualified to own a gun, because at least five times a day I think, ‘I wish I had a gun right now.’ ” — Jim Norton
 
Norwegian Joke.

Sven and Ole are standing on the 18th tee playing their club golf championship. They are the final twosome and tied for the lead. The 18th hole is a beautiful par three with a deep valley descending down with a slight dogleg right with the green disappearing beyond some trees.

Both Sven and Ole hit perfect, fading tee shots which disappear down into the valley and out of view towards the green. As they are walking toward the green, they see a ball about six inches from the hole, and after looking a bit more they realize that the other ball is in the hole: a hole in one.

Sven and Ole then ask each other what type of ball were they playing, and they both say they are playing Titlist #4 balls. They pull the ball out of the whole and sure enough it is a Titlist #4 and the other ball six inches away from the hole is also a Titlist #4. Sven and Ole look at each other and have no way of figuring out which ball is whose.

Sven looks at Ole and says, "We had better get a ruling from a tournament official to straighten this out." "This is the club championship and we don't want to be disqualified for making a mistake and hitting the wrong ball." "After all, we are tied for the lead."

Soon after, a rules official appears and examines the two #4 Titlist golf balls. He then looks up at Sven and Ole and says, "Well, which one of you would be playing the orange ball?"
 
First day of the American History class, the professor asked the students to study 5 chapters regarding Citizens' Rights.
Next day, he called a student and asked him to list 10 Citizens' Rights. The Student didn't reply.
Fine, the professor said, tell me 5 then. The student still kept quiet.
Giving up hope, the professor finally said, how about just one?
The student replied "I have the right to remain silent."
 
True story:
I go to a walk in clinic, where the pretty Asian doctor tells me to unclothe and put the cloth rob on, handing it to me.
Well, I take off my cloths, unfold the rob to find out, it's actually just a big sqaure cloth...
Standing there naked, not sure what to do, there's a soft knock on the door, and the doctor re-enters.
At that moment, I decided to own it; I turned to her, arms at my side, in all my nude, hairy fatness, and proclaimed with a cheesy smile, "it wasn't a robe".
She was more embarrassed than I.
 
theres three guys stranded in a desert and the stumble upon a genie in a lamp. the genie says since theres three of you i will grant each one of you a wish.
1st guys wishes to be in a supermarket so he can cool down and buy all the food and drinks he wants.
2nd guy wishes to be on a nice beach in hawaii where he could jump in the water and see all the lovely girls since he hasnt seen one for a while cuz he was stranded in the desert
3rd guy wishes for a car door because he wants to roll it down and feel the breeze roll through his hair.
 
Knock Knock! Who's there? Lettuce Lettuce who? Lettuce in
Knock Knock Who's there? Olive! Olive who? Olive you!
Knock Knock! Who's there? Cash. Cash who? No thanks, but I'd like some peanuts!
Knock Knock Who's there ! Ice cream ! Ice cream who ? Ice cream if you don't let me in !
Knock Knock Who's there? Pecan! Pecan who? Pecan somebody your own size!
Knock Knock. Who's there? Bison! Bison who? Bison girl scout cookies!
Knock Knock Who's there ! Water ! Water who ? Water way to answer the door !
Knock Knock Who's there ! Figs ! Figs who ? Figs the doorbell, it's broken
Knock Knock Who's there ! Four Eggs! Four Eggs who ? Four Eggs ample !
Knock Knock Who's there ! Banana ! Banana who ? Banana split so ice creamed !
Knock, Knock Who's there? Pudding! Pudding who? Pudding your shoes on before your trousers is a silly idea!
Knock knock. Who's there? Ketchchup Ketchchup who? Kethchup to me and I will tell you.
Knock Knock Who's there? orange orange who? orange you going to answer the door?
Knock Knock Who's there? Plums! Plums who? Plums me that we'll always be friends!
Knock Knock Who's there? Sweden! Sweden who? Sweden the coffee!
Knock Knock Who's there? Muffin! Muffin who? Muffin the matter with me, how about you?
Knock Knock Who's there? Orange juice! Orange juice who? Orange juice going to talk to me!
 
I went to college in Kentucky, and there was this old econ professor who was talking about when he relocated to Kentucky for his job. He was in front of class (intro micro), and talking about some crazy stuff he had heard about Kentucky and Appalachia. So he goes on: "I heard that they have sex with cows and horses and sheep out there. I've even heard some stories where they have had sex with goats, and occasionally pigs too -- both domestic and ferrel. And even though it breaks your heart, people around here have been known to commonly have sex with dogs and cats. Then this one time a person told me that it has been told that in certain parts people have sex with chickens."

At this point, a kid in the back of the room yells out rather shocked, chiiiiiiiikens???

You see, some people just have different values.

k.

Wood guess: aspen burl.
 
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a mop.

*bows* I will walk away now as the sound of crickets covers my escape. As I do, I make the guess: Tanoak.
 
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court.

"Mickey," the judge says, "I'm sorry. I can't grant you a divorce on the grounds of insanity. Minnie seems quite sane to me."

"I didn't say she was insane," exclaims Mickey. "I said she was f**king Goofy."
 
A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he asks.

"I'm having a heart attack!" cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet, and he's got no clothes on!"

He slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife. He rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the floor.

"You bastard," says the husband. "My wife is having a heart attack, and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"
 
A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, "You want to play 'Magic'?" She says, "What's that?" He says, "We go to my house and have sex, then you disappear." :D
 
You guys from New York and Canada won't like this one, but I bet the guys from Florida will think it's funny.

Having a Beer Florida Style

A Floridian, a New Yorker and a Canadian are in a bar one night having a beer.

The New Yorker drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "In New York our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice".

The Canadian drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "In Canada we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice".

The Floridian picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the New Yorker and the Canadian.

He says "In Florida we have so many New Yorkers and Canadians that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice".
 
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the necessary tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake.

After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice. From the heavens a voice boomed


''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''


Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The voice boomed


''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''


This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice. She started another hole and once again the voice said


''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''


The terrified blonde raised her head and said, ''Is that you, Lord?''


''NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK."
 
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