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A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
 
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned. Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."
 
A CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a wall."
 
Married couple in their 60's are visited by a fairy who grants them both a wish. I want to travel around the world with my darling husband said the wife. 2 tickets for a luxury cruise magically appear! Husband says sorry love but my wish is to have a wife 30yrs younger than me. The fairy waves her wand & the husband becomes 92. Moral of the story: Men who are ungrateful should remember, fairies are female!
 
Pinocchio and his girlfriend are in bed, doing what wooden puppets do, when she suddenly sighs. He asks her why, and she replies, "You’re probably the best lover I’ve ever had, but every time we make love you give me splinters."

This remark bothers Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he seeks advice from Gepetto, who suggests a bit of sandpaper might "smooth out" Pinnochio’s relationship with his girlfriend. Pinocchio graciously thanks his creator and goes on his way.

A couple of weeks later, Gepetto runs into Pinocchio at the hardware store, where his little wooden friend is buying every package of sandpaper the store has in stock.

"So, Pinocchio," Gepetto remarks, "things must be going pretty damn good with the girls, eh?"

"Girls?" says Pinocchio, "Who needs girls?
 
All arrivals in heaven have to go through an examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains how he came to die. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky panky so I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I dragged our antique cedar chest to the balcony and threw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant enters and says, "I was working on the roof of an apartment building when I slipped and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

The clerk directs the man to the next room.

When his third customer of the day enters, he says "I doubt that the way you died was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."

"I don't know," replies the man. "Picture this. I'm buck naked, hiding in this cedar chest ..."
 
Pensacola Tiger said:
All arrivals in heaven have to go through an examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains how he came to die. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky panky so I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I dragged our antique cedar chest to the balcony and threw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant enters and says, "I was working on the roof of an apartment building when I slipped and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

The clerk directs the man to the next room.

When his third customer of the day enters, he says "I doubt that the way you died was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."

"I don't know," replies the man. "Picture this. I'm buck naked, hiding in this cedar chest ..."
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hahahaha great joke! I'm so stealing this...
 
I am horrible at jokes -- absolutely horrible, but I do tell really good humorous stories. I just can't remember jokes. But here is one of the jokes I remember. It was told on the old series M*A*S*H. I am dating myself. I probably have messed it up, but the details don't matter. If you set it up well at a party, it usually gets a laugh.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
George Washington
George Washington who?
Don't you know me?

And now there is a second part. Timing is key.

Knock, knock.
Who's there.
Benjamin Franklin.
Benjamin Franklin who?
Was George Washington just here?

That is all I got, but I can tell a good story about people from Kentucky having sex with chickens.

k.
 
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store.

As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to heaven."

The little boy replied, "Awww, come on, you don't even know the way to the Post Office."
 
My Aunt Mildred was 93 years old and particularly despondent over the recent death of my uncle. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to anyone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Aunt Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
 
A termite walks into a bar and says, "is the bar tender here?"

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A fortune-telling dwarf escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

An Irishman walks out of a bar.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
To.
To who?
To whom.
 
Hey, those last two are anti-jokes! I love anti-jokes!

What'd one lawyer say to the other lawyer? We are both lawyers.

What's the saddest thing about 5 foreigners in a cadillac going over a cliff? They were my friends.

How do you confuse a blonde woman? Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
 
A physics professor and his lab assistant were trying to liberate negatively charged hydroxyl ions. The assistant turned to the professor and says "but professor, what if the salicylic acid won't accept the hydroxyl ion?" and the professor says "that's no hydroxyl ion, that's my wife!"
 
The big moron and the little moron were stading on a bridge over the river temms, the big moron fell off. Why didn't the little moron fall off?
Because he was a little more on.

Del
 
Pensacola Tiger said:
My Aunt Mildred was 93 years old and particularly despondent over the recent death of my uncle. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to anyone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Aunt Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
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haha, that was absolutely fantastic. kudo's to you!
 
Three friends were sitting in a bar, drinking Beer, and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The first guy, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the market and bought meat worth 1000 bucks because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in."

The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker.

"Just last week, she went out and spent 4 lacs on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"

THe third nods sagely, and agrees that these two women sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber.

"Ah, it kills me every time I think of it," he chuckles. "My wife just left to go on a holiday in Germany. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a penis!
 
Three little ducks went into a bar. "Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," the duck replied.

"How's your day been, Huey?" asked the bartender.

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh, that's nice," said the bartender.

He turned to the second duck and said, "Hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey," the second duck said.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked. "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball, too. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles.
 
An old nun had died and went to heaven. St. Peter at the Pearly Gates checked his files and found that the old nun had been living an exemplary life at the monestary all her life. So, to reward her for her impeccable life on earth, St.Peter decided to give her one more month on earth being whoever she wanted to be.

The nun was thinking for a while about this, and finally St.Peter asked her. "So, have you decided?... Maybe I can suggest Mother Theresa, or maybe one of the great former presidents or even a famous musician?" "No", replied the nun silently, "I would like to be Greta Pipelini".

St. Peter had never heard of this Greta Pipelini woman. He checked his files of both the dead and the living but could not find any one. He asked the nun who she meant or if she could have been mistaken, but the nun gave him an old newspaper and replied "This one". St. Peter took the old paper and the front page read "GREAT PIPELINE LAID BY 200 STRONG MEN IN 30 DAYS!"
 
Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Iowa Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.

You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," He said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or Outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo in her face
for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or Unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.

"The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
 
A priest is standing in line to get into heaven. There is only one man in front of him. St. Peter asks the man 'Who are you, son?' 'I am James, the bus driver.' St. Peter looks through his list, nods, and says 'Ah, yes, you are on my list, welcome to heaven.' and lets him pass through the gate. Now it's the priest's turn, and St. Peter asks him 'Who are you, son?' 'I am Father Bernard, the priest of Smalltown.' St. peter looks through his list, looks again, 'Sorry, but you are not on my list, you have to go downstairs.' 'But St. Peter, how can that be, I am a man of god. How can you let in a bus driver but not me?' 'Very easy' says St. Peter, 'when you lead your Sunday service, everyone in church was bored or fell asleep. But when James was driving his bus, everybody was praying passionately...'
 
Have you ever wondered what the difference is between grandmothers and grandfathers? Well, consider this.

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive.

When they returned, the little girl ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.

"Oh, yes, Grampa! It was really wonderful. We didn't see a single stupid jerk, blind bastard or son of a ***** anywhere we went!"
 
Some great variety of jokes here. But I don't see any nerd jokes yet. So here it goes:

The pilot of a plane on its way out of Poland dies unexpectedly in flight. A passenger is asked to fill in. He looks at the controls and shakes his head. "What's wrong?" someone asks. The reply: "I'm just a simple Pole in a complex plane."


Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg says "No, but I know where I am."


There was a mad scientist who kidnapped three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked each of them in seperate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no can opener.
A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive, and escaped.
The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good pitching arm and a new quantum theory.
The mathematician, however, was found dead, his dessicated corpse propped calmly against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor in blood:
Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die.
Proof: Assume the opposite. Look for contradiction.


There was this magnificent horse with a gift for math. You could teach it arithmetic, which it learned with no difficulty, algebra was a breeze, it could even prove theorems in euclidean geometry, but when you tried to teach it analytic geometry, it would rear back on its hind legs, kick ferociously neigh loudly and make violent head motions in resistance.
The moral of this story? You can't put Descartes before the horse.
 
bprescot said:
Some great variety of jokes here. But I don't see any nerd jokes yet. So here it goes:

The pilot of a plane on its way out of Poland dies unexpectedly in flight. A passenger is asked to fill in. He looks at the controls and shakes his head. "What's wrong?" someone asks. The reply: "I'm just a simple Pole in a complex plane."


Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg says "No, but I know where I am."


There was a mad scientist who kidnapped three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked each of them in seperate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no can opener.
A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive, and escaped.
The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good pitching arm and a new quantum theory.
The mathematician, however, was found dead, his dessicated corpse propped calmly against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor in blood:
Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die.
Proof: Assume the opposite. Look for contradiction.


There was this magnificent horse with a gift for math. You could teach it arithmetic, which it learned with no difficulty, algebra was a breeze, it could even prove theorems in euclidean geometry, but when you tried to teach it analytic geometry, it would rear back on its hind legs, kick ferociously neigh loudly and make violent head motions in resistance.
The moral of this story? You can't put Descartes before the horse.
Click to expand...


I guess I'm a nerd, these are hilarious, I especially like the heisenberg one.
Del
 
:D :D Super happy that you liked them Del. I've got one more category of jokes that I love, but most hate. PUNS!

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. In other words, he was a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

But homage must be paid to the pun master, Richard Whately, Archbishop of Dublin who had dozens of gems including:
Why can a man never starve in the Great Desert? Because he can eat the sand which is there.
But what brought the sandwiches there? Why, Noah sent Ham, and his descendants mustered and bred.
 
bprescot said:
:D :D Super happy that you liked them Del. I've got one more category of jokes that I love, but most hate. PUNS!

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. In other words, he was a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Click to expand...

Not only did I enjoy the nerd jokes, I rather enjoyed this one too!
 
Well I told my wife that people enjoyed the nerd jokes and puns and she insisted I submit on of her favorites, one she apparently got from her grandmother as advice.

A bachelor is a cagey guy.
He has a load of fun.
He likes to check out all the chicks,
And never Mrs. one.
 
A japanese ambassadour was on an official dinner an Madeleine Albright asked: "Mr. Ambassadour, do you have elections in Japan?
And then he answered: "Yes madame, evely molning."
 
That one took me a second lol

This thread is addictive! Last set of jokes, I promise, this time all computer error message haikus.

The code was willing!
It considered your request,
But, alas, syntax.

Errors have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why -
Lazy programmer!

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Demos are like that.

Seeing my great fault
Through darkening blue windows
I begin again.

Windows XP crashed.
I am the blue screen of death.
No one hears your screams.

Mac OSX crashed.
I am the grey screen of death.
No one hears your screams.

No keyboard present
Hit F1 to continue
Zen engineering?

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

Everything is gone.
Your life's work has been destroyed.
Squeeze trigger? (yes/no)
 
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