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Did you hear about the agnostic, dislexic, insomniac.

He stayed awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.
 
Did you know Abraham Lincoln was Jewish?

He was shot in the temple
 
Two necrophiliacs were walking by a morgue.

One says to the other, "Want to stop in for a cold one?"
 
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911.

The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street, and you pick her up there?"
 
Little Johnny Joke: The teacher says today in class I want you to use the word ransom in a sentence or a story, do I have any volunteers? Little Johnny is waving his hand furiously, the teacher doesn’t like asking Johnny because he usually uses some off color words. Since there are no other volunteers the teacher finally says ok to Johnny.

Little Johnny get up and says: “ down in the deep and a dark ravine, lived an old tom cat in a sewing machine, the sewing machine ran so fast it sewed sixteen stitches up tom cat’s a$$ and he ran some!”:tooth:
 
Oh, I got a classic!

The teacher took a deep breath as Little Johnny stood up for show and tell.
"This is my lucky rock. I carry it with me to and from school every day. Just today, I saw a rabbit on the side of the road, and threw this rock at it as hard as I could, and it hit him right in the a$$hole!"
"Rectum, Johnny, Rectum!" the teacher corrected.
"Rectum?" he replied, "I damn near killed him!"
 
The pervert and the little girl walk through the dark forest. 'I am so scared', says the little girl. 'How do you think I feel, I will have to walk home alone in the dark...'

Sorry, somber mood...
 
There once was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him for paintings.

One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked if he would paint her in the nude.

This was the first time anyone had made this request. The woman said that money was no object - she was willing to pay him $20,000.

Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, he asked the woman to wait while he went in the house and conferred with his wife.

In a few minutes he returned and said, "Okay, I'll do it, but I'll have to leave my socks on, so I can have someplace to wipe my brushes".
 
A pirate walks into a bar with his ships steering wheel stuffed in the front of his pants.

The bartender looks at the pirate and says "Whats with the steering wheel in your pants"

The pirate replys "ARGGG!!! ITS DRIVING ME NUTS"
 
Two Amish women were picking potatoes one autumn day. The first Amish woman had 2 potatoes in her hands. She looked at the other woman and said, "these potatoes remind me of my husbands testicles", and the other woman said "are his testicles that big?" , no she commented, "they're that dirty".
 
A Norwegian couple, Lars and Greta, which had emigrated to Minnesota in America came to a divorce and eventually ended up in court as they would not agree on what should happen to their children. As a verdict the judge said "Well, Lars, I have decided to let your ex wife Greta keep the children and I have dcided to grant her $500 per month in child support!" Lars thought about this for a moment and replied "Vell, dat is just fine, judge. Every wunce in a while I'll even try to chip in a few bucks myself."
 
During a commercial airline flight a man was seated next to a young mother with a baby in her arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The man pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, he responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby... and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The man sadly shook his head, and exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."
 
Pensacola Tiger said:
During a commercial airline flight a man was seated next to a young mother with a baby in her arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The man pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, he responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby... and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The man sadly shook his head, and exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."
Click to expand...

rofl! My wife is a vibrant "lactivist" and a talented nursing photographer. I'll tell her this one in a few minutes hahahaha
 
Aw what the heck. This is my all time favorite joke. I think it is so funny because it is so true. I used to have this posted on the side of my monitor at work.

-AJ

______________________________________________________

While walking down the street one day a lawyer is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

‘Welcome to heaven,’ says St. Peter. ‘Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a lawyer around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.’

‘No problem, just let me in,’ says the lawyer.

‘Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.’

‘Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,’ says the lawyer.

‘I’m sorry, but we have our rules.’

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other people who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises …

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

‘Now it’s time to visit heaven.’

So, 24 hours pass with the lawyer joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

‘Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.’

The lawyer reflects for a minute, then answers: ‘Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.’

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above…

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ‘I don’t understand,’ stammers the lawyer. ‘Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?’

The devil looks at him, smiles and says…….

‘Yesterday we were recruiting. Today you’re hired.’

:devilburn:
 
Q: What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

A: Beer nuts will cost you at least one dollar, while deer nuts are always under a buck.
 
johndoughy said:
rofl! My wife is a vibrant "lactivist" and a talented nursing photographer.
Click to expand...

There's a joke in there somewhere.

In her application to work at a politically liberal nursing home the blonde wrote her qualifications were, "I'm a vibrant lactivist and a talented nursing photographer."
 
A guy is walking down the street in Greenwich Village inthe middle of the dayand as he passes a jazz cafe, he hears this incredible piano music. He goes inside, but only sees the bartender and a rather inebriated looking gentleman sitting at the bar in the front. There is nobody playing the piano,so he figures it is just the stereo. But as his eyes adjust to the darkness, the notices what appears to be a doll about the size of an old GI Joe seated at a toy grand piano up on the bar. When he looks a little closer, he notices, much to his shock, that it is actually a tiny, fully formed man and he is playing the piano. The little guys is just tearing it up on everything from Joplin to Jarrett. The man can't believe what he is seeing. After about 30 minutes, the little guy stops playing, the bartender helps him off the bar and gives him a tiny beer and he runs off to the back of the place. Still in shock, the man sits down at the bar, orders a stiff drink and asks the bartender who the little guy is with. The bartender points at the drunk at the bar who has a beer in one hand and what appears to be an old Arabic style oil lamp in the other. The guy asks the drunk where he found the little guy and the drunk says that he found this lamp in a flea market and when he started polishing it, there was a puff of smoke and a genie popped out and said that he would grant him one wish. Our guy asks if he can try it out and the drunk says sure. Well, just like the drunk said, when he rubbed the lamp, out popped the genie who said that he would grant out guy one wish. Well, the man thought about it and said "I want a million bucks!" The genie waved his hand and all of a sudden, not only the entire bar, but the whole neighborhood is filled with white Peking ducks. The man can
t believe it. he looks at the drunk and says "what the hell is this? I asked for a million bucks and this genie appears to have given me a million DUCKS!!!Is the son of a ***** deaf?" The drunk slowly turns his head and says "I may be a drunk, but did you seriously think that I wished for a 12 inch PIANIST?!?!?!"
 
The invisible man marries the invisible woman. The children weren't much to look at.
 
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.

Lets have a look at the evidence:



- No Christmas

- No television

-No nude women

- No football

- No pork chops

- No hot dogs

- No burgers

- No beer

- No bacon

- Rags for clothes

- Towels for hats

- Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower

- More than one wife

More than one mother in law

- You can't shave

- Your wife can't shave

- You can't wash off the smell of donkey

- You wipe your ass with your hand

- You cook over burning camel ****

- Your wife is picked by someone else for you

- and your wife smells worse than your donkey

Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"??

Well no **** Sherlock!.... It's not like it could get much worse.
 
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
 
Little Johnny likes to gamble.

One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.

Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."

So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."

The teacher says OK, she can handle it.

The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."

She says yes I know who you are.

Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."

The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.

She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.

That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.

So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."

The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."

Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."
 
A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "What is this? A joke?"
 
A young man from the hills of West Virginia married this lovely young girl from the other side of the county. As a gift, both sets of parents chipped in and bought them a little piece of nice bottom land and a trailer. The wedding was a grand affair and the new couple went off to spend their wedding night in their new home. The next morning, the boy's father was awoken from a sound sleep by knocking at the front door. Much to his surprise, his son was standing on the front porch with a suitcase. The father asked what happened and the boys said " Pa, I found out that she was a virgin" The father asked what was wrong with that? The boy responded "Well, if she ain't good enough for her own family, then she sure as hell ain't good enough for ours!!!":eek2::tooth:
 
Great Jokes everyone!
I will do the drawing for the piece of redwood tomorrow.
I think this should be an ongoing thing with a monthly prize.
.......just to keep the great jokes coming.
 
I used the random number generator and it selected #20.
Which also happened to be one of the jokes I really enjoyed.
Congratulations Pensacola Tiger
Send me a PM with your mailing address and I will send your prize.
 
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