Tell a Joke to Enter Contest 2 Winners - 9/15 Drawing

Japanese Knives - by Tokushu Knife
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My guess'd be olive wood.

And a joke:

3 students - a Korean, a New Zealander, and a Japanese - find some summer work at a building site. The next morning the US boss looks at them sternly and points to a huge pile of dirt. 'Listen, guys! Today yer gonna move all that!' He points at the Korean, 'You! Yer job is ta haul that away!' Then the Kiwi, 'Yer bigger, so yer gonna be shovellin.' Then, finally he looks at the Japanese, Kato, and booms, 'You, I think you'd be bedder at organizin so yer gonna be in charge of gettin the supplies!' Kato shouts out 'HAI!' and bows in solemn agreement. 'Oh, and one more thing,' bellows the boss, 'I'm gonna come back and check on y'all at 3 and I don't wanna see no more dirt left or else, ya got it?' and then he storms off.

... Later at 3, the boss returns and turns absolutely livid when he sees that the pile has not even been touched! He looks around and finds the Korean. 'What the HELL have you been doin?' he demands, 'You were supposed to haul this sh!t away!' The Korean responds, 'Pery, pery sorry, poss, put I hapu no wheelparrow!' The boss then searches more and spots the Kiwi who tells him something similar: 'Rilly sorry, mate, but I couldn't git a shovil from the Japanese bloke. Havint seen him all die!' Remembering that he'd put the Japanese in charge of supplies, the boss goes off to find Kato who is still nowhere to be seen. He looks and looks everywhere around the site, and is almost ready to give up, when suddenly Kato jumps out from behind the pile and screams: 'サップライス!!!!!' (SUPRISE!!!!!)
 
3 blonds wok into a bar............ and order an olive (wood you believe?)
 
Bus of tourists taking a tour around Rome and there's a Franciscan brother on the bus.
The monk gets to talking to some of the folks there and turns out his brotherhood runs a classic English fish and chips joint in the city.

So some wise guy says to him "Let me guess, you're the Fish Friar."

And he says "Nah, I'm the Chip Monk"

Still think it's Olive..
 
avocado wood

Two old men were sitting on a front porch just watching life pass by. Suddenly, a Great Dane walks across their front lawn. The dog stops, lays down, and begins licking itself.

The first old man says, “Boy, I sure wish I could do that.”

The other old man says, “I don’t know. If I were you, I’d try petting him first.
 
Hope this one won't upset the moderators...

So many different phrases become a regular part of the language. Here's the origin of one of them:

George Washington was rowing across the Delaware River with his troops. It was the middle of winter, and in the dark and cold, Captain Peters fell overboard and was lost. The troops finally made it to shore, cold, tired, and demoralized. Realizing he had to take action to uplift the spirits of his men, Washington spied a nearby bordello, marched over and rapped sharply on the door. When the madam answered, Washington said, "We are cold, tired, and in need of comfort. Can you accommodate my troops?" The madam asked "How many men do you have?" Washington replied, "I have 32 men without Peters", and the madam coined the famous phrase....

"You gotta be s****ing me!


(Olive)
 
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor in Kerby, Oregon, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "hemorrhoids".

(Olivewood)
 
two atoms went bar hopping. after getting quite drunk and being kicked out of the last bar, they were walking down the street when one of them began patting himself quite frantically. The other one asked what was wrong. The first one said, "I think I've lost an electron!" The second replied, "Are you positive?"
 
A man went to see his doctor. "Doctor, I have an embarrassing problem" he said. "Every time I fart, it sounds like someone saying Honda."

After the exam, the doctor said, "Well, I've found what the problem is. Abcess makes the fart go Honda."
 
Two old sows were talking. The first one said, "Have you heard from your boarfriend lately?"

And the second replied, "Yeah, I got a litter from him just last week!"
 
A snail won the mega lottery, and was being interviewed for a news show.

"What will you do with all that money?" he was asked.

"Well," said the snail, "I'm going to buy the fanciest, fastest convertible sports car there is. I'm going to paint it shiny black, and I'm going to have the letter "S" made up in solid gold and applied to the sides of the car."

"Why would you do that?" the newsman asked.

"So that when I go driving down the street at 200 mph, people will stop and say 'Look at that S car go!'"
 
Once upon a time there was a snake named Nate. Nate was known world-wide, because Nate was a very special snake. Nate could talk. He would sing and dance, and everyone loved Nate. One day a trucker was driving down a steep mountain road, when he spied Nate crawling across the highway. He knew he couldn't stop in time to avoid the famous snake, so he started to swerve to try and miss him. He started to swerve right, and found the road had a steep dropoff--if he went that way, he'd surely die. He started to swerve left, and there was a giant red lever on the side of the road with a warning sign: "DANGER! Do not activate this lever or it will cause the world to end!" The trucker was horrified--there was no good choice, but finally he decided...

Better Nate than lever.
 
Pork chop walks into a bar. Bartender says "I'm sorry, we don't serve food."

Hax the Cook CLEAVERS RULE!!! :D
 
A string walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve string."

The string walks out, rolls himself into a tangle, rips his ends to tatters, and walks back into the bar.

The bartender says, "I told you we don't serve string."

The string says "I'm not a string."

"You're not a string?!?!"

"No, I'm a frayed knot."
 
A grasshopper walks into a bar (made of olive wood) and the bartender says, "did you know that there is drink named after you?"
And the grasshopper said,"There is a drink named Howard?"
 
Olivewood?

"What did one knife say to the other?

Look sharp!"
 
One day a Kalamata fruit was crossing the street when it was hit by a bus.

Passersby screamed and ran to help him. The first person to arrive said "Are you OK?!?!?"

To which the Kalamata said, "Olive."
 
Charles Dickens went into a bar and asked for a martini.

"Sure" said the bartender. "Olive or Twist?"
 
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Olive !
Olive who?
Olive you too, dear!
 
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Olive!
Olive who?
Olive just around the corner!
 
If olive oil comes from olives, where do they get baby oil?
 
Still olive....and this one works best with an affected accent....

Many years ago in days of the Ming Dynasty, the Emporer wanted to learn the customs of the world, so he sent ambassadors around the world in search of knowledge. When the Ambassor to America returned, the Emporer asked what he saw.

Ah, yes Emporer - In America they have war custom called 'shittobadjo'.

Well tell me Ambassador to America, how goes this custom?

Well Emporer, a group of warriors get together, carrying great big bags of war clubs, and march to a great green lawn. One by one, they take turns putting a little white rock on a tiny stick. Then the warrior draws a warclub from his bag, takes a mighty swing, and hit that white rock with his stick.

Ah, interesting says the Emporer, but tell me why do they call this custom 'shittobadjo?'

Ah yes Emporer....when the man with war club hits the white rock....it flies out over the great green lawn, then turns right and goes into trees....the man with warclub says ' S _ it'...the other warriors say 'Too bad Joe.'
 
One day a Kalamata fruit was crossing the street when it was hit by a bus.

Passersby screamed and ran to help him. The first person to arrive said "Are you OK?!?!?"

To which the Kalamata said, "No, you fool! I just got hit by a bus!"

(Olive!)
 
A young hotshot get's a new job with the IRS. His first assignment is to audit an old Rabbi.

Being a wiseguy, he asks the Rabbi 'Rabbi, what do you do with the drippings from the candles?'

The Rabbi says 'we send them to the candle factory, and every once in a while they send us a free candle.'

The kids says 'And what do you do with the crumbs from the table?'

The Rabbi replies 'We send them to the Matzoh factory, and every once in a while they send us some food.'

So the kid asks, 'Rabbi - what do you do with the foreskins from your circumcisms?'

The Rabbi replies 'We send them to the IRS, and every once in a while they send us a little prick like you.'
 
Termite walks into a bar and says, "where's the bar tender?"
 
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so hewent to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion,they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would hispaycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and theCongregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.

There was much yelling and bickering about how much theclergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Preachergot up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," hesaid. Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and inher Frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get toomuch, we wear rubbers".

And the congregation said, "amen."
 
ducky.jpg
I better win or the duck gets it.:spiteful:
 
You can tune a piano butt you can't tune a fish!
 
You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose.
 
You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't wipe your friends on your blue jeans.
 
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