Tell a Joke to Enter Contest 2 Winners - 9/15 Drawing

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An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
 
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" they asked. Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
 
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
 
What's an Australian kiss?

A French kiss down under...

olive?
 
An engineer, a biologist, and a mathmetician are in a contest. They are each given an equal length of chain-linked fence and told to enclose the greatest area possible. The engineer proceeds to make a perfect square. The Biologist laughs at him and says, "you fool, don't you know that a circle is nature's most effecient containter?"

The mathmetician stares at the fence for several hours before her eyes light up, whereupon she wraps the fence tightly around her legs and says, "I declare myself outside!"

OK, I'll lay off the engineers for a bit. :eek:
 
What's the difference between an engineering co-ed and garbage?

Garbage gets taken out at least once a week.
 
The Lone Ranger and Tonto have been riding all day on a buffalo hunt. When they stop to rest, Tonto places his ear to the ground and listens.

“Buffalo come,” Tonto says.

“How do you know that?” asks the Lone Ranger.

“Ear sticky.”
 
The Lone Ranger and Tonto had made camp for the night, when the Lone Ranger went behind a tumbleweed to relieve himself. Unfortunately, he failed to see a rattlesnake, which bit him on a very personal spot. "Quick, Tonto! Ride Silver to town and ask the doctor what to do!" said the Lone Ranger.

Tonto raced into town, where the doctor instructed him that he needed to put his mouth over the bite and suck the poison out.

Tonto raced back to camp. "What did the doctor say?" asked the Lone Ranger.

"He said you're going to die" Tonto replied.
 
The lone ranger and tonto go into town and stop at a saloon. They tie up the horses, and as the lone ranger goes inside, tonto begins, slowly at first, then faster and faster, going in circles around silver.

After a few minutes of this the barkeep notices and says to lone ranger, "hey, you left your injun running."
 
Lemon tree burl?

What's the speed limit for sex?

68

when you hit 69 you have to turn around...
 
A turtle crawled into the police station and said "officer please help! I've just been robbed by a snail."

"ok son" the cop says "can you describe the snail?"

"I dunno officer, it all happened so fast..."



I forgot To mention earlier: olive wood.
 
One day, a young man was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed so he approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, he worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For several tense moments the young man stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

The man never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where they were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at the man and lifted its front foot off the ground then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter of his youth, the man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

He summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared in wonder. Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.
 
Did you hear about the new pirate movie? It's got so much booty, it's rated ARRRRrrrrr!
 
Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.

Bonus follow up:

His acceptance speech: "This job ain't for everyone. But hay, it's in my jeans."
 
Doctor: "I am not exactly sure of the cause. I think it could be due to alcohol."

Patient: "That's ok. I will come back when you are sober."
 
The Dalai Lama walks into an ice cream shop. He asks the server, "can you make me one with everything?"
 
Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks him if he wants a drink. ¨I think not.¨ he replies...and disappears.
 
There was a small island in the south pacific.
The people who lived there were a simple people living in grass houses throughout the island.
All the people on the island loved their king because he was a kind and generous ruler.
The tradition among the people was to give the king a new throne each year as a birthday present.
The old throne would be stored away upstairs in the attic of the king's house.
One year on the king's birthday he was sitting in his new throne.
The weight of all the old thrones in the attic was too much and the ceiling caved in.
The king was killed after being squished beneath the weight of all the old thrones.

Moral of the story.
People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
 
How many guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb? 10. One to screw in the bulb and nine more saying they can do it faster.

How do you stop a guitarist from playing? Put sheet music in front of him.

Ever hear the one about the tuba player with the great gig? No one has.

What do you call the guy that hangs out with musicians? The drummer.
 
How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, she hangs on and the world revolves around her.
What's the difference between chopping onions and chopping up an oboe? no one cries when you chop an oboe.
How do you get a bassist off of your porch? pay them for the pizza.
What do you call a bassist w/o a girlfriend? homeless.
 
I got one!

Q: How do lumber yards make money off of their unusable wood (burl).

A: They hire a man (Mark) to sell it to artisans for 10 times what it is worth.

I'm gonna go with Spike on this one and guess that the wood in question is olive wood burl.


P.S. If you change your mind about the giveaway I'll buy those blocks off ya:wink:
 
Hattorichop said:
I got one!
Q: How do lumber yards make money off of their unusable wood (burl).
A: They hire a man (Mark) to sell it to artisans for 10 times what it is worth.
I'm gonna go with Spike on this one and guess that the wood in question is olive wood burl.
P.S. If you change your mind about the giveaway I'll buy those blocks off ya:wink:
Click to expand...

You say this to make a joke but you are pretty accurate.
It used to be that when wood went to the mills, everything that was not normal, clear straight grain got tossed aside.
In the redwood mills a lot of the mill workers took those pieces home and stashed them for their own projects.
It is a good thing that happened because a lot of the better woods that I get come from those hidden stashes.

The good figured woods will sell for 10+ times what the straight grain lumber will sell for.
I like supplying knifemakers because they are able to see the value in unique pieces and are willing to put forth the effort needed to show the woods full potential.
Even the smart a** ones. Just teasing you.
 
Remember when I said that bad jokes have just as much chance of winning as good jokes?
Well.......I rest my case.

1st drawing was the gray chest hairs joke.
2nd drawing was me, so a re-draw
3rd drawing was me, re-draw again
4th drawing was the spooky dooky joke.

Congratulations
#1 Steeley post #25
#2 Knyfenerd post #11

Send me a PM with your shipping info and I will put your prizes in the mail.

BTW; it is Olive Burl
 
Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted for a gift.

"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."

Little Johnny was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Johnny's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Johnny, of course, thought he did.

Johnny's mother, being a religious woman, wanted Johnny to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Johnny, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday." Little Johnny stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter 1:
Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend, Johnny


Johnny knew that wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year so he tore up the letter and started over.


Letter 2:
Dear God, I have been an "OK" boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.

Johnny


Johnny knew he could not send this letter to God either. So he wrote a third letter.

Letter 3:
God, I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you send me a bike for my birthday. Please!

Thank you, Johnny

Johnny knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. By now Johnny was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Johnny's mother thought her plan had worked as Johnny looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother told him.

Johnny walked down the street to the church on the corner. He went into the church and up to the altar and looked around to see if anyone was there. Johnny bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under his shirt, and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.

Johnny began to write his letter to God.

Letter 4:
God:

I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed, YOU KNOW WHO
 
What what what???!?!?!?! It's the 15th already?!?!?!
 
This was a lot of fun! Thanks for the give-away Mark.

PS: That olive was awful pretty.. Got any more coming your way? :D
 
Lucretia said:
What what what???!?!?!?! It's the 15th already?!?!?!
Click to expand...
Lucretia caught the fact that I can't tell what day it is so she gets a consolation prize.
An official Oregon Gardeners Camo T-Shirt.
003-20.jpg
 
Lucretia,
If you don't want the Gardener's T-Shirt, I can get you a genuine Hippie dyed tie dye t-shirt from a local guy.
He is an old timer hippie that was one of the Takilma founders.
Just let me know.
 
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