Weird Wood Contest - 2 Winners Saturday 3/10
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memorael
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SOOOOO!... this is a dirty one ANYWAY! theres this guy that gets tossed in jail. In his cell theres this 300 LB guy that immediately lets him know there is a game called mama and papa and they are going to play it whether he likes it or not. Since its his first day in jail, the 300 LB guy lets him know he is going to cut him a break and let him choose whether he wants to be mama or papa.
The first day inmate says he want's to be PAPA! the 300 LB guy says: "fine with me, come suck mama's D**K.
El Pescador
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In.
mano
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A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back and saw him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said. "I did, and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
I'm in
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back and saw him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said. "I did, and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
I'm in
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The commanding officer of an Army regiment was about to start the morning briefing to his staff, battalion and company commanders. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure'.
The major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work. The captain said it was 50-50%. The lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the private responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
The major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work. The captain said it was 50-50%. The lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the private responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?", she says as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
He looks up from his coffee and replies, "I'm just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only sixteen. Do you remember back then?"
The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring and sensitive her husband is. "Yes, I do", she replies.
The husband pauses the words not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for twenty years?"
"I remember that, too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?", she says as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
He looks up from his coffee and replies, "I'm just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only sixteen. Do you remember back then?"
The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring and sensitive her husband is. "Yes, I do", she replies.
The husband pauses the words not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for twenty years?"
"I remember that, too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."
Mike Davis
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HAHAHAHAHAH!!! That is awesome!!!! I am in!
Ok, did you hear about the guy who walked through a screen door and strained himself?
2 guys walk into a bar. The third guy, seeing his friends on the ground, ducks.
What is the most commonly found thing between an 85 year old womans breats? Her belly button.
Ok, did you hear about the guy who walked through a screen door and strained himself?
2 guys walk into a bar. The third guy, seeing his friends on the ground, ducks.
What is the most commonly found thing between an 85 year old womans breats? Her belly button.
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A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the wife had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, the husband had never thought about the box, but one day his wife got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the husband took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her to explain.
"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living together. He almost burst with happiness.
"Sweetheart," he said, "That explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "That's the money I made from selling the other dolls."
For all of these years, the husband had never thought about the box, but one day his wife got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the husband took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her to explain.
"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living together. He almost burst with happiness.
"Sweetheart," he said, "That explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "That's the money I made from selling the other dolls."
DeepCSweede
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Ole married an attractive woman, Lena, half his age. After several months, Lena complained that she had never climaxed during sex; and according to her Grandma, all Norwegian farm women are entitled to a climax once in a while. So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the large-animal Vet since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in Minnesota.
The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his Mother and Dad, Olga and Sven, would fan a cow that was having any difficulty birthing a calf to cool her down and make her struggles easier. So, the Vet told them to hire strong, virile, young man to wave a towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to climax.
So the couple hired a young man from the big city of Minneapolis named Lars to wave a towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, still no climax! . They went back to the Vet. The Vet said for Lena to change partners and let Lars have sex with her while Ole waved the towel. They tried it that night and Lena went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one after the other.
When it was over, Ole smugly looked down at Lars and said, "Ya see, city slicker, now THAT's how ya vave a towel!"
The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his Mother and Dad, Olga and Sven, would fan a cow that was having any difficulty birthing a calf to cool her down and make her struggles easier. So, the Vet told them to hire strong, virile, young man to wave a towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to climax.
So the couple hired a young man from the big city of Minneapolis named Lars to wave a towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, still no climax! . They went back to the Vet. The Vet said for Lena to change partners and let Lars have sex with her while Ole waved the towel. They tried it that night and Lena went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one after the other.
When it was over, Ole smugly looked down at Lars and said, "Ya see, city slicker, now THAT's how ya vave a towel!"
DeepCSweede
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Ireland Declares War on France
Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his
telephone rings
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at
the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that
we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big
is your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself,
me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team
from the pub. That makes eight!"
Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army
waiting to move on my command." "Begorra!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring
you back.
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is
still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Marphy's farm tractor."
Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks
and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to
150,000 since we last spoke.""Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have
to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is
still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified
Jackie
McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and
four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell
you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military
bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And
since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.
Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change
of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and
decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners."
Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his
telephone rings
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at
the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that
we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big
is your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself,
me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team
from the pub. That makes eight!"
Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army
waiting to move on my command." "Begorra!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring
you back.
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is
still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Marphy's farm tractor."
Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks
and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to
150,000 since we last spoke.""Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have
to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is
still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified
Jackie
McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and
four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell
you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military
bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And
since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.
Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change
of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and
decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners."
DeepCSweede
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A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of 'a house of ill repute' and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'
Of course the Madam said 'No'.
The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.'
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'
He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!'
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'
Of course the Madam said 'No'.
The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.'
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'
He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!'
Lucretia
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Shortly after Valentine's Day, 3 ladies met for lunch. They immediately started comparing how their husbands did with their Valentine's Day gifts.
The first lady said "MY husband gave me a full length mink coat!"
The second lady said "MY husband gave me a 5 carat diamond ring!"
The third lady said "MY husband didn't give me a gift. But when he's aroused, 13 parakeets standing side by side can use him as a perch."
The ladies continued eating their lunches, and after a while, the first lady said, "I'm afraid I exaggerated a bit. That mink coat is actually a rabbit fur scarf."
The second lady, feeling guilty, said "I exaggerated, too. That 5-carat diamond is a 1-carat cubic zirconia."
The third lady sighed deeply and admitted, "I exaggerated, too. That 13th parakeet has to stand on one leg."
I'm in.
The first lady said "MY husband gave me a full length mink coat!"
The second lady said "MY husband gave me a 5 carat diamond ring!"
The third lady said "MY husband didn't give me a gift. But when he's aroused, 13 parakeets standing side by side can use him as a perch."
The ladies continued eating their lunches, and after a while, the first lady said, "I'm afraid I exaggerated a bit. That mink coat is actually a rabbit fur scarf."
The second lady, feeling guilty, said "I exaggerated, too. That 5-carat diamond is a 1-carat cubic zirconia."
The third lady sighed deeply and admitted, "I exaggerated, too. That 13th parakeet has to stand on one leg."
I'm in.
Lucretia
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A little boy and little girl were showing off to each other.
"I've got FIVE marbles!" said the boy.
"Well I've got SEVEN marbles!" said the girl.
"I've got three nickels" said the boy (15 cents, for those of you not in the US).
"I've got 2 dimes!" said the girl (20 cents).
The little boy dropped his pants and waggled his privates. "I've got one of THESE!"
The little girl pulled up her skirt and dropped her panties, and said, "Well I've got one of THESE, and with one of THESE, I can get one of THOSE any time I want!"
"I've got FIVE marbles!" said the boy.
"Well I've got SEVEN marbles!" said the girl.
"I've got three nickels" said the boy (15 cents, for those of you not in the US).
"I've got 2 dimes!" said the girl (20 cents).
The little boy dropped his pants and waggled his privates. "I've got one of THESE!"
The little girl pulled up her skirt and dropped her panties, and said, "Well I've got one of THESE, and with one of THESE, I can get one of THOSE any time I want!"
Lucretia
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A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Smith, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Smith had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Smith," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the amazing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screamed, "Smith is dead!"
Lucretia
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For my birthday, my husband bought me a mood ring. He thought this was a great idea, becasue he would now be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.
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He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the last 20 years without fail.
This 50th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.
They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high. The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him.
Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes! Yes, I will!"
The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled.
Did she say 'Yes' or did she say 'No'?
He couldn't remember. Try as he could, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.
He remembered asking the question but for the life of him could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her.
First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?
"Why you silly man! I said, Yes. Yes I will. And I meant it with all my heart."
The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.
Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!
This 50th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.
They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high. The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him.
Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes! Yes, I will!"
The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled.
Did she say 'Yes' or did she say 'No'?
He couldn't remember. Try as he could, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.
He remembered asking the question but for the life of him could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her.
First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?
"Why you silly man! I said, Yes. Yes I will. And I meant it with all my heart."
The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.
Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!
Lucretia
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Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because I'm buying horses. I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away."
"Why?" said his father.
"Because the mailman stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom."
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because I'm buying horses. I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away."
"Why?" said his father.
"Because the mailman stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom."
Lucretia
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It was a few minutes before the church services started, and the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, the devil appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for entrances, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So the devil walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" the devil asked.
"Nope, sure ain't!" said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked the devil.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted the devil.
"Yep" was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked the devil.
"Nope"
More than a little perturbed, the devil asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" the devil asked.
"Nope, sure ain't!" said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked the devil.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted the devil.
"Yep" was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked the devil.
"Nope"
More than a little perturbed, the devil asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
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- Reaction score
- 213
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to use it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn 'girls nights out' have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."
"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We will never forget you!'"
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn 'girls nights out' have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."
"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We will never forget you!'"
DeepCSweede
Senior Member
- Joined
- Dec 2, 2011
- Messages
- 1,448
- Reaction score
- 3
Well a Scotsman clad in kilt left a bar on evening fair
And one could tell by how we walked that he drunk more than his share
He fumbled round until he could no longer keep his feet
Then he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
He stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street
About that time two young and lovely girls just happend by
And one says to the other with a twinkle in her eye
See yon sleeping Scotsman so strong and handsome built
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt
They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be
Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see
And there behold, for them to see, beneath his Scottish skirt
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth
They marveled for a moment, then one said we must be gone
Let's leave a present for our friend, before we move along
As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon, tied into a bow
Around the bonnie star, the Scots kilt did lift and show
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
Around the bonnie star, the Scots kilt did lift and show
Now the Scotsman woke to nature's call and stumbled towards a tree
Behind a bush, he lift his kilt and gawks at what he sees
And in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes.
O lad I don't know where you been but I see you won first prize
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
O lad I don't know where you been but I see you won first prize
And one could tell by how we walked that he drunk more than his share
He fumbled round until he could no longer keep his feet
Then he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
He stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street
About that time two young and lovely girls just happend by
And one says to the other with a twinkle in her eye
See yon sleeping Scotsman so strong and handsome built
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt
They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be
Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see
And there behold, for them to see, beneath his Scottish skirt
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth
They marveled for a moment, then one said we must be gone
Let's leave a present for our friend, before we move along
As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon, tied into a bow
Around the bonnie star, the Scots kilt did lift and show
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
Around the bonnie star, the Scots kilt did lift and show
Now the Scotsman woke to nature's call and stumbled towards a tree
Behind a bush, he lift his kilt and gawks at what he sees
And in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes.
O lad I don't know where you been but I see you won first prize
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
O lad I don't know where you been but I see you won first prize
DeepCSweede
Senior Member
- Joined
- Dec 2, 2011
- Messages
- 1,448
- Reaction score
- 3
An American, an Englishman and an Irishman stop at a bar for a pint. The barkeep pours them up and gives them to the gents, at the same time three flies fly into each man's pint. The englishman, a proper gentleman calls the bartender over and kindly asks for a new pint, the American disinterestedly sticks his finger in his beer and flicks away the fly. The Irishman gingerly lifts the fly out of the pint and lays it in his palm, then gets angry and starts screaming at the fly "Spit it out ya bastad, spit it out!"
