Weird Wood Contest - 2 Winners Saturday 3/10
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SpikeC
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An elderly man and woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine
restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away,
suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the
table, but the woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out
of sight under the table. She feared he had suffered a heart attack or
stroke and the woman hadn't noticed.
Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her
dining companion had disappeared.
The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me,
ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just
walked in the door."
restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away,
suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the
table, but the woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out
of sight under the table. She feared he had suffered a heart attack or
stroke and the woman hadn't noticed.
Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her
dining companion had disappeared.
The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me,
ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just
walked in the door."
Lucretia
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I know, I was done, but hubby sent me this one...
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday after noon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday after noon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
Burl Source
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I will do the drawing at about 5PM PST.
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A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
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An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.
Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
"I'm 90 years old," he says.
"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"
"Oh, sorry," says the old man, "how much do I owe you?"
Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
"I'm 90 years old," he says.
"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"
"Oh, sorry," says the old man, "how much do I owe you?"
Eamon Burke
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Ok this is a culturally offensive joke, but you could replace them with anything. This is just how I've heard it.
A Mexican, an Irishman and a Pole are working on a high-rise building and stop to eat lunch. They open up their lunches and all collectively let out a sigh--Carne Asada, Corned Beef, and Kielbasa, respectively.
The Mexican says "That woman! Every day this month, it's Carne Asada! If I get Carne Asada for lunch one more day, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Irishman says "You? I've had Corned Beef for lunch AND dinner 4 times a week for 2 years! If I see this in here tomorrow, I'll jump too!"
The Pole says "You think you've got it bad? I've had Kielbasa every day since I started working here. If something doesn't change, I'm jumping too!"
The next day, they open up their lunches, and sure enough, same old, same old. They all shake hands and jump to their deaths.
At the funeral, the wives are consoling each other, and the Mexican wife says tearfully "I had no idea! He never complained! I'd have made him Migas or Enchiladas!"
The Irish wife says between sobs "I didn't think he actually was eating it! I would have given him money to buy his own lunch!"
They both look to the Pole's wife and she says "Well, don't look at me. He made his own lunches."
A Mexican, an Irishman and a Pole are working on a high-rise building and stop to eat lunch. They open up their lunches and all collectively let out a sigh--Carne Asada, Corned Beef, and Kielbasa, respectively.
The Mexican says "That woman! Every day this month, it's Carne Asada! If I get Carne Asada for lunch one more day, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Irishman says "You? I've had Corned Beef for lunch AND dinner 4 times a week for 2 years! If I see this in here tomorrow, I'll jump too!"
The Pole says "You think you've got it bad? I've had Kielbasa every day since I started working here. If something doesn't change, I'm jumping too!"
The next day, they open up their lunches, and sure enough, same old, same old. They all shake hands and jump to their deaths.
At the funeral, the wives are consoling each other, and the Mexican wife says tearfully "I had no idea! He never complained! I'd have made him Migas or Enchiladas!"
The Irish wife says between sobs "I didn't think he actually was eating it! I would have given him money to buy his own lunch!"
They both look to the Pole's wife and she says "Well, don't look at me. He made his own lunches."
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After 40 years as a gynecologist, John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love, auto mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied hard.
The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted.
The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John spoke to his professor after class. "I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?"
The professor replied, "I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the muffler."
The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted.
The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John spoke to his professor after class. "I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?"
The professor replied, "I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the muffler."
mano
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A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head.
The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something."
The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."
The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something."
The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."
mano
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A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."
Bartender: "Yeah! Sure...go ahead."
Man: "What covers a house?"
Dog: "Roof!"
Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"
Dog: "Rough!"
Man: "Who was the greatest ball player of all time?"
Dog: "Ruth!"
Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."
The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"
Bartender: "Yeah! Sure...go ahead."
Man: "What covers a house?"
Dog: "Roof!"
Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"
Dog: "Rough!"
Man: "Who was the greatest ball player of all time?"
Dog: "Ruth!"
Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."
The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"
mano
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A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
SpikeC
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At a wine merchant the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.
The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.
They gave him a glass to drink.
He tried it and said, "It's a Muscat , three Years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers". Low grade but acceptable.
"That's correct", said the boss.
Another glass....
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.."
"Correct."
A third glass...
''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished and found it hard to believe let alone accept.
He winked at his secretary to suggest something.
She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it.
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father.."
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.
The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.
They gave him a glass to drink.
He tried it and said, "It's a Muscat , three Years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers". Low grade but acceptable.
"That's correct", said the boss.
Another glass....
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.."
"Correct."
A third glass...
''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished and found it hard to believe let alone accept.
He winked at his secretary to suggest something.
She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it.
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father.."
SpikeC
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I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few
seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.
All the while, my wife is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yelled to me,
'You need a piece of tail.'
I turned with a confused look on my face and said,
'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few
seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.
All the while, my wife is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yelled to me,
'You need a piece of tail.'
I turned with a confused look on my face and said,
'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'
SpikeC
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Two Ladies Talking in Heaven
1st woman: Hi! Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: ; It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
1st woman: Hi! Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: ; It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
Burl Source
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I went to Random.org and used their random number generator to pick the winning numbers.
The first number selected was #59
The second number selected was #10
I haven't looked to see who made those posts yet,
but congratulations.......whoever you are.
If you are one of the winners, send me a PM with your mailing address and I will mail you your block.
Thanks for all the entries and all the great jokes.
I had fun. My boss thinks I am funny and the shop dogs are a little worried about me from all the laughing out loud.
The first number selected was #59
The second number selected was #10
I haven't looked to see who made those posts yet,
but congratulations.......whoever you are.
If you are one of the winners, send me a PM with your mailing address and I will mail you your block.
Thanks for all the entries and all the great jokes.
I had fun. My boss thinks I am funny and the shop dogs are a little worried about me from all the laughing out loud.
Eamon Burke
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Congrats, DeepCSweede and Deckhand!
Remember pics of the stuff when you use it is mandatory!
Remember pics of the stuff when you use it is mandatory!
Burl Source
Weird Wood Pusher
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I never knew Scientists could be so funny!
I keep telling the "Mood Ring" joke over and over.
Great Jokes everyone.
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Congratulations to the winners!
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I had to dig way back in my email archives for some of those "moldy oldies". OK, Mark, when's the next contest?
Rick
Line cooked
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Congrats gents...Glad thats over now I have an excuse to buy
Burl Source
Weird Wood Pusher
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We still have the photo contest drawing at the end of the month.
Lucretia could post her Bill Burke knife there to enter that contest since the Tasmanian Blackwood came from me.
I think she built up a lot of good contest karma with all her great jokes.
Mike Davis
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Congrats guys, but i have no intention of stopping!!!!
A man said to his wife, "Dear, do you hear that? No one whining, moaning or complaining. The sound of silence. It is a beautiful thing, don't you agree?" He then placed her Urn back on the fireplace mantel and sat by the fire with his scotch.
A man was walking his dog through the cemetary, when he noticed a guy crouched by a tombstone. He said "Morning". The guy said "Nope, taking a poop, but thanks for the concern."
A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading. "This is the pig i have sex with." His wife say's,"I think you will find that is a sheep." To which he replies, "I think you will find i was talking to the sheep."
A man said to his wife, "Dear, do you hear that? No one whining, moaning or complaining. The sound of silence. It is a beautiful thing, don't you agree?" He then placed her Urn back on the fireplace mantel and sat by the fire with his scotch.
A man was walking his dog through the cemetary, when he noticed a guy crouched by a tombstone. He said "Morning". The guy said "Nope, taking a poop, but thanks for the concern."
A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading. "This is the pig i have sex with." His wife say's,"I think you will find that is a sheep." To which he replies, "I think you will find i was talking to the sheep."
