Weird Wood Contest - 2 Winners Saturday 3/10

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The god Thor visited earth looking for a little action. He spied a lovely young shepherd girl, took her to a nearby barn, and made mad, passionate love to her all night long. The next morning, wanting her to know that she'd been favored by a god, he looked tenderly into her eyes and said, "My dear, I'm Thor." To which she exclaimed, "YOU'RE thore! I'm tho thore I can'th pith!"
 
New Mexico Chili Cookoff
This is an account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico .
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza . Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .
Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3.'
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1-- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2-- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank)-- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1-- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2-- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1-- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2-- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3-- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1-- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2-- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3-- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1-- Meaty, strong chili,peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2-- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3-- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1-- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Goodbalance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2-- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3-- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1-- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2-- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3-- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1-- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3-- No report.
 
The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska.

He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Viking fan wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Go Vikes Go' hat and a “Vikings rule” shirt.
The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about, and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Packers fans wearing 'Super Bowl Bound' shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Viking fan from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three Packer fans finished off the grizzly. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Viking fan in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of the men over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Packer fans and Viking fans, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one Packer’s fan asked his buddies, "Who the heck was that guy?"

"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the Packer fan said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to Minnesota and get another one?"
 
A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.

"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."

"This one's kind of strange..."

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."

"I see."

"That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl. Last night," she went on, "I went again and, plink-plink-plink, there were dimes, and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me! I'm scared out of my wits!"

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about. You're simply going through the change."
 
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, "What good will Viagra do for him, doctor"?

The doctor replied, "It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs."
 
A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says to him,"do you know that there is a drink names after you?" And the grasshopper says "you mean there is a drink named Howard?"
 
SpikeC said:
A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says to him,"do you know that there is a drink names after you?" And the grasshopper says "you mean there is a drink named Howard?"
Click to expand...

You had to start the "walks into a bar".

A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Hey buddy! Why the long face?"
 
A duck waddles into a bar, and the bartender says "what will you have?" The duck says "Gimme a grape." The bartender tells the duck he doesn't have any grapes, and the duck waddles out.

Five minutes later, the duck waddles back up to the bar and says "Gimme a grape!" The bartender says, "I told you, I don't have any grapes." The duck waddles out.

Five minutes later, the duck waddles back up to the bar and says "Gimme a grape!" The bartender says, "I TOLD you, I don't have any grapes. If you ask me again, I'm going to nail your bill to the bar." The duck waddles out.

Five minutes later, the duck waddles back up to the bar and says "Gimme a Nail!" The bartender says, "I don't have any nails." and the duck says......"Gimme a grape!"
 
NASCAR News feed:

Jeff Gordon announced today that he was firing his entire pit crew.

This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President Obama's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew took 8 seconds with thousands of dollars of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team, as most races are won or lost in the pits.

However, Gordon got more than he bargained for. At the crews first practice, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds, they changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt Jr. for ten cases of Budweiser, a bag of weed, and some photos of Gordon's wife in the shower.
 
I'll confess,
I ended up with an older woman at a bar last night.
She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all,
and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a couple of beers,
and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?
'What's that? I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
As my mind began to embrace the idea,
and I wondered what her daughter might look like,
I said, 'No, I haven't.'
We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink,
'tonight's your lucky night'.
We went back to her place.
We walked in.
She locked the front door, put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:
'Mom...you still awake?'
 
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A female cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." The man wasn't familiar with the phrase, so he went on his way feeling a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping. He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door". Planning to have a little fun with her, he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?" The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.
 
A bus full of politicians was speeding down a country road when it swerved into a field and crashed into a tree. The farmer who owned the field went over to investigate. Then he dug a hole and buried the politicians.

A few days later the sheriff drove by and saw the overturned bus. He knocked on the farmhouse door and asked where all the politicians had gone. The farmer said he had buried them. "They were all dead?" the sheriff asked.

"Well, some of them said they weren't," replied the farmer, "but you know how politicians lie."
 
A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog for Sale'. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

The lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services ... the United States Marine Corps ... you know one of their nicknames is 'The Devil Dogs'.

"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders;because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger.

"So, I decided to settle down. I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff. He was in the Navy!"
 
Three men were traveling in Europe and happened to meet at a bar in London. One man was from England, one from France and one from Canada. They got acquainted and started talking about their problems with their wives.

The guy from England began by saying: "I told my wife in no uncertain terms that from now on she would have to do the cooking. Well the first day after I told her, I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home from work, the table was set, a wonderful dinner was prepared with wine and even dessert."

Then the man from France spoke up: "I sat my wife down and told her, that from now on she would have to do all the shopping, and also do the cleaning. The first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home, the whole house was spotless, and in the pantry the shelves were filled with groceries.

The fellow from Canada was married to an enlightened woman from the prairies... He sat up straight on the bar stool, pushed out his chest and said: "I gave my wife a stern look and told her, that from now on she would have to do the cooking, shopping and housecleaning. Well the first day I saw nothing. The second day I still saw nothing. But on the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye ..."
 
Harlow was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store. At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on another customer. When Carl was finished, Mary asked "How much for the teapot?" Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $300!"

"My goodness, that sure is a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Harlow had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store.
 
A chicken and a horse lived on a farm, and they were best friends. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. The horse frantically whinnied for the chicken to fetch the farmer and a tractor to rescue him. Off ran the chicken to the farm, where he searched and searched for the farmer, but the farmer had gone to town on the only tractor. Finally, the chicken spied the farmer's new BMW Z3 convertible with the keys in the ignition. The chicken grabbed a length of rope and sped back to the bog.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised to see the chicken arrive in a shiny new BMW. The chicken tossed the end of the rope to the horse, and after tying the other end to the BMW's rear towing-loop, the chicken drove slowly forward and, lo and behold, he rescued the horse!

The chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a deep mud puddle and began to sink. He clucked out to the horse to rescue him. The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the mud puddle. He told the chicken to grab his willy, and he would lift him out. The chicken got a good grip and the horse pulled him up and out, saving the chicken's life.


The moral of the story? When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
 
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her prayers
roused Jake from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Becky," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Rest.
Shhh, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice "I have something I must confess to you." There's nothing to confess," replied
the weeping Becky. "Everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best
friend, and your Mother!" "I know" Becky whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you."
 
I went fishing this morning. After a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and I thought to myself "Frogs are good bass bait."

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten. So I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back and he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake, this time with two frogs in his mouth.
 
Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

One leaned over the other and said, "Crimony sakes! Life is boring. We never have any fun these days. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through the darned flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old fellow, holding up five dollars.

As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes, and while completely naked, streaked through the front door of the town hall.

His friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by a loud roar of applause. The streaker burst back out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd. Hurriedly, he ran over to his eager buddy.

"Wow, what happened?" asked his friend.

"It was great!" he said, "I won first prize for best dried arrangement!"
 
Q: What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?

A: Shoot him again.
 
Knock knock
Who's there?
Your pimp
Pimp who?
Open the door *****

Btw this is not my fault was making strange knock jokes a while back with my wife out of boredom. When I did this one my wife wouldn't stop laughing. She told me I should post this.
 
A fire fighter is working outside the station when he notices a little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides, a garden hose coiled in the middle, and wearing a fire fighter's helmet coming his way.

The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter takes a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks," the girl says. The fire fighter notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
 
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that's when the fight started....
 
Shaun is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and he drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real......Then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small
sign next to a door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

Shaun is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells Shaun , "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and another nun dressed in a long habit and holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
 
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