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What happened when the butcher backed into his meat grinder? -- He got a little behind in his work...
 
When your Daughter's boyfriend comes to pick her up for their date Throw a shotgun shell at him .
Then tell him it Moves A lot faster after 10 Pm !

Sam
 
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. "I'm 90 years old," he says. "90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"
 
In again.

What is the difference between a Porche with four lawyers in it and a porcuppine?..........

Weeeellllllll......... the Porche has the "pricks" on the inside! :rofl2:
 
The maid asked for a raise, and the wife was upset.

She asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."

Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"

Helen: "No, the gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
 
Two chemists walk into a bar.

The first one says, "I'll have some H2O."

The second says, "I'll have some water too. But why'd you order it like that? We aren't at work."

The first chemist excuses himself and weeps in the bathroom.
His assassination plot had failed.
 
Historical information you need to know about shipping Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship. It was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks, and the first time someone came below at night, with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term," Ship High In Transit" which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane. Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T," which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I. I always thought it was a golf term.
 
A husband exclaims to his wife one day, "Your butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!" Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"
 
Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building- by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in heck that could happen."

1st Man: "No, it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."

1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

2nd Man: "Well what the heck, it works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'

Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker:

"You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."
 
What side of a cheetah has the most spots?



The outside...
 
Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak
 
A American person is talking to a Chinese guy.

The American said: In US we recycled all the chewing gums then make them into condoms, sell them to China.

The Chinese replied back: In China we recycled all the used condoms, make them into chewing gums, and sell them to USA.
 
Three nuns died and went to heaven. When they arrived, they were standing at St. Peter's gate asking for entry. St. Peter told them, "Well, you know it's getting kind of full up here. So I'll have to ask you a question, and you'll have to get it right to gain admittance." The nuns all agreed.

So St. Peter said to the first nun, "Hmmm, let's see... What am I going to ask you? Oh yes, your question is: Who was the first man on Earth?"
Nun number 1 replied, "That's an easy one. That was Adam.", and *DINGDONG* the door opened and nun number 1 entered heaven.

Then St. Peter said to the second nun, "Hmmm, let's see... What am I going to ask you? Oh yes, your question is: Who was the first woman on Earth?"
Nun number 2 replied, "That's an easy one. That was Eve.", and *DINGDONG* the door opened and nun number 2 entered heaven.

Then the third nun approached the gate, who happened to be Mother Superior. Upon getting there, St. Peter told her that since she was Mother Superior, that he'd have to make her question a little more difficult. So St. Peter said to Mother Superior, "Hmmm, let's see... What am I going to ask you? Oh yes, your question is: "What were the first words that Eve spoke to Adam in the Garden of Eden?"
Mother Superior replied, "Wow, that's a hard one!", and *DINGDONG* the door opened and she could enter heaven...
 
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