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Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman.

The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie, "Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?" "Sure that sounds great!" said Julie. "Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man. "Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked. "Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage."

The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife. "Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied. About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner.

The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah," Julie replied. "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie.

"Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
 
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde. She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note: "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!"
 
Some of you have seen this one before, but it's worth a rerun:

For my birthday, my husband bought me a mood ring. He thought this was a great idea, becasue he would now be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.
 
A preacher's wife goes to the butcher.

The butcher asks if she'd like to try some damn ham.

The preacher's wife is shocked. The butcher explains that "Dam Ham" is the brand name of the meat and shows her the packaging with the beaver and dam logo.

That night, the preacher asks, "What's for dinner?"

His wife says she bought some damn ham from the butcher. The preacher scolds his wife for using such language in their home. She explains the "Dam Ham brand name and their logo.

At the dinner table, the preacher asks his 16-year-old son to pass him the "Dam Ham."

The son replies, "I'll pass the damn ham if you pass me the muthaf**kin' mashed potatoes."
 
I'm in. 1st one is the northern lights, 2nd one is sunset over the beach, 3rd one is Van Gogh's Starry Starry Night, and the last is a snake run over by a truck.
 
A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.

He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a
person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?"

The ventriloquist looks on in amazement.

"It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community," she continued, "and of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize.

The blonde interjects, "You stay out of this, mister. I'm talking to that little guy on your knee!"
 
chinacats said:
That is not a funny joke!

this probably isn't either...Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

He was dead
Click to expand...

For some reason that one tickled my funny bone.

A man got a piece of venison from a hunting buddy, and cooked it for dinner. The family had never had venison before, so he was trying to get his son and daughter to guess what it was. "I'll give you a hint" he said. "It's what your mother calls me sometimes." The daughter turned to the son and screamed, "Spit it out, Timmy, spit it out! It's @$$hole!"
 
*A mother and son were washing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the room. Suddenly, there was a crash of breaking dishes, then complete silence.
father looked at her and said, “It was Mom”。
“How do you know?” the girl asked
“She didn"t say anything.” father said.

*The more you learn, the more you know, The more you know, the more you forget.
The more you forget, the less you know. So why bother to learn??!!
 
One Thanksgiving, a friend and I were walking down a main street in Albany when a man comes up to me and gives me a turkey and says, "Happy Thanksgiving!" Without hesitation my friend knocks him out. I asked my friend why he punched the nice man. My friend said, "He gave you the bird!"
 
A man calld the doctor:
- You have to help me!. My son has swallowed a ink pen!
- Okay, I'll send an ambulance. It takes about 20 minutes before they arrive.
- What should I do in the meantime?
- Use pencil.
 
Two deer walk out of a gay bar, one turns to the other and says, "I can't believe I blew twenty bucks in there..."
 
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. Unfortunately, the woman left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes. To add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed, fumed, complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.

As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old man yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as
well get my hat and the credit card."
 
Police: where do u live?
Me: with my parents
Police: where does ur parents live?
Me: with me
Police: where do u all live?
Me: together
Police: where is ur house?
Me: next to my neighbors house
Police: where is your neighbors house?
Me: if i tell you u wont believe me.
Police: tell me
Me: next to my house
 
What do you get when you cross an alligator with a railroad track?




Three pieces of alligator.
 
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