i have a problem
- Thread starter inferno
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What's your relationship with your dad?
Where are you located?
In the absence of specifics, determining what the minimum necessary response is on your part, for you to be at peace with the situation, if a given event does occur, is a good general rule for many a complex problem.
MarcelNL
deleted the professional part....so blame taker
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Follow your heart, and try not to overthink things...you can always move out when it does not work out, nothing is absolute in life. Intuition is a great thing, we all have it yet we unlearn listening to it.
bahamaroot
Idiot Savant
Move where to where? And how important is it to you to be there if/when it happens?
KingShapton
Senior Member
Move there!!
If your brother is right, you may regret it if you don't.
And that's one of those things in life where you don't get a second chance to correct a decision.
And no matter what your relationship with your father is ... it is and will always be your father. And even with a difficult relationship between father and son, his death will affect you... more than you think. I know what I'm talking about, I've already done that...
Irrespective of that, I very much hope that your brother is wrong and that your father will stay with you for a long time.
If your brother is right, you may regret it if you don't.
And that's one of those things in life where you don't get a second chance to correct a decision.
And no matter what your relationship with your father is ... it is and will always be your father. And even with a difficult relationship between father and son, his death will affect you... more than you think. I know what I'm talking about, I've already done that...
Irrespective of that, I very much hope that your brother is wrong and that your father will stay with you for a long time.
Greenbriel
Senior Member
I have to respectfully disagree with my friend @KingShapton. I am counting the days until my POS sperm donor croaks, and I PROMISE you it will not affect me negatively at all when he does. He died for me many years ago.
So to OP - it depends on your relationship for sure. If yours is better than mine, and I sincerely hope it is, then you are lucky and I would move and see how it goes. As @MarcelNL says, you can always leave.
I wish you all the best in this awful time.
So to OP - it depends on your relationship for sure. If yours is better than mine, and I sincerely hope it is, then you are lucky and I would move and see how it goes. As @MarcelNL says, you can always leave.
I wish you all the best in this awful time.
KingShapton
Senior Member
@Greenbriel - I understand you very well. And I've thought and said exactly the same thing for several decades. And when it happened it was completely different... sometimes your own psyche surprises you.
Anyway, this doesn't belong here.
Greenbriel
Senior Member
PM’d
Tough. Very situation-dependent. Good luck however you decide to go.
ModRQC
Just shutup n' grabbit!
I was more talking about your dad saying that. Seems to be more of the real focus of the situation.
Your brother is the one asking a whole lot of things out of mere presumptions.
If all you say is what it is, then all three of you should consult ASAP.
Your brother is the one asking a whole lot of things out of mere presumptions.
If all you say is what it is, then all three of you should consult ASAP.
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In your position, I guess I would take some time off work, and do a tour. Visit your father, visit your brother. Get some facts and impressions on the ground, instead of over the phone. Then decide.
If your dad truly is becoming bad off and you feel an obligation to be the one to provide the primary support, see if you can figure a way to move him to the area where you live. That way you can keep your job/ income and still spend time with your dad. But if the family stance is that you are expected to drop you life for a year or more, and go without income it is time to have a serious talk with the unrealistic expectations of your family.
I second this. Any steps you take to hypothetically, at least, care for your family that has a deleterious effect on your own life will in turn have a deleterious effect on theirs'. You cannot hope to provide anyone with something you yourself do not posses. Best to bring chaos to order, rather than the other way around. The resultant resentment would undermine any value those relationships have/had to you, if things go badly.
Along with this, if your brother wishes you to provide for his family consider having them move your way also. Actually if they are able and move by you, it could be a decisive factor in getting your father to more willing move by you. ( one big happy family everyone living close) Going to visit is great, but you really need to speak to your fathers doctors. If necessary get him to contact them and give them permission to divulge medical information to you. I do hope you get good news, but if you do, now may be the time to address the future and start making arrangements.
Best wishes
Luftmensch
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You've got two loosely related issues here.
Ok... this is macabre... but you dont have to make any decisions about your brother now. You can spend time making a more considered decision. Throwing his needs into the mix right now is just complicating your thought process. But on his needs. Be stubborn on this. He sounds anxious. He is thinking in hypotheticals:
Look... his kids have a mother! They are not going to be sent off to child services. You dont have to be their father. He is asking a lot. Your sister-in-law might not want you to raise her children. If you have a good relationship with your brother and sister-in-law; if you have a good relationship with your niece/nephews... sure, it is reasonable to play a large role in their life. All of you should make an effort to spend time together. If your brother passes, then you might want to make extra effort to see the children more frequently. This will help maintain a close connection with your side of the family. For now it is completely hypothetical... they could be grouchy teenagers by the time your brother passes. They might be old enough to assert their own needs and not be receptive to your help....
To the main point, your father...
I assume by your sense of duty... that you DO have a good relationship with your father (and your brother). That is great!! That said, since you havent explicitly said that you do.... I will echo what others have said... the amount you sacrifice should be commensurate with the quality of your relationship. "Blood is thicker than water" - bullsh!t... relationships are a two way street and require active participation. Sharing common genetics is 'interesting' but that alone does not qualify for large sacrifice.
You've been given a lot of good advice so far. I might add to that:
Good luck! I hope your brother is just anxious and overthinking things...
Ok... this is macabre... but you dont have to make any decisions about your brother now. You can spend time making a more considered decision. Throwing his needs into the mix right now is just complicating your thought process. But on his needs. Be stubborn on this. He sounds anxious. He is thinking in hypotheticals:
Look... his kids have a mother! They are not going to be sent off to child services. You dont have to be their father. He is asking a lot. Your sister-in-law might not want you to raise her children. If you have a good relationship with your brother and sister-in-law; if you have a good relationship with your niece/nephews... sure, it is reasonable to play a large role in their life. All of you should make an effort to spend time together. If your brother passes, then you might want to make extra effort to see the children more frequently. This will help maintain a close connection with your side of the family. For now it is completely hypothetical... they could be grouchy teenagers by the time your brother passes. They might be old enough to assert their own needs and not be receptive to your help....
To the main point, your father...
I assume by your sense of duty... that you DO have a good relationship with your father (and your brother). That is great!! That said, since you havent explicitly said that you do.... I will echo what others have said... the amount you sacrifice should be commensurate with the quality of your relationship. "Blood is thicker than water" - bullsh!t... relationships are a two way street and require active participation. Sharing common genetics is 'interesting' but that alone does not qualify for large sacrifice.
You've been given a lot of good advice so far. I might add to that:
- Vist ASAP.
- Speak to your father's caregivers.
- Go to a medical consult with your father. Discuss the looming risks and likely outcomes.
- Explore the idea of an end-of-life plan with your father. If your father is open to the idea, your brother (and any other siblings) should be part of the process. If you do this, all the 'right' decisions are made before they happen. Death is complex and emotional, having a plan before the situation occurs can help. Just be careful that you are not at risk of some vociferous, distant relative turning up and claiming they know what is best.
- Discuss the potential for your father to move to where you can best provide for him.
- If things are not dire
- Become more actively engaged in your father's healthcare. This will allow you to understand what is going on without it being filtered through a secondary perspective. You could try things like asking to be on speaker phone during his consults. Or speaking to the caregiver/doctor after consults or on a semi frequent basis.
- Call! Ask your father how often he wants to talk on the phone. Speak at a frequency that you are both comfortable with. You will be able to provide him some company and stimulation... it will also allow you to monitor his health.
Good luck! I hope your brother is just anxious and overthinking things...
I feel I am not in a place to comment on moving or bringing up your brother's kids as I personally feel those are way too big of a decision to make based upon opinions from random people online, but sheesh Inferno, you (and your fam.) got dealt some bad hands 
I think this thread has some solid advice in it, and you are on a good path first figuring out what's going on.
Also admire your sense of responsibility and willingness to help by seriously considering the options you have, that for sure can't be said for everyone.
I hope your dad and brother's condition indeed isn't as bad as it first seemed, and whatever decisions you make, I wish you good luck on dealing with all this!
Take care!
I think this thread has some solid advice in it, and you are on a good path first figuring out what's going on.
Also admire your sense of responsibility and willingness to help by seriously considering the options you have, that for sure can't be said for everyone.
I hope your dad and brother's condition indeed isn't as bad as it first seemed, and whatever decisions you make, I wish you good luck on dealing with all this!
Take care!
inferno
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) <*))))><
so as you all see i deleted my older post in this thread because the people that needed to read them have read them. and now there is no need for this to be on the internet for the rest of eternity. now you know why.
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M1k3
Senior Member
Only advice I can give is for you to go see for yourself how they seem to you. If your dad will give the doctors permission to talk about his condition, great. But you need to assess the situation in person as best as you can. And trust your head, not just your heart.
Sorry, but your family (actually just your brother) is letting YOU down. If he wants your help with his family he should be asking if you can help out if they move near you. Is is laying some serious guilt on you because he wants you to take care of things he has no interest in doing.
Can't say I am big on 'therapy' but maybe you should talk a little to a therapist about where you are in life and what you brother is trying to pile on you. He seems t think he can manipulate you but referring to a sense of duty he doesn't appear to have himself. Sorry, that may sound harsh and the info is limited, but he seems like the definition of manipulative.
KingShapton
Senior Member
I'm not a therapist either, but the call you describe sounds like manipulative, emotional blackmail to me as well.
Those are harsh words, but after reading the course of the conversation, it was the first thought that came to my mind.
BUT family and the commitments that come with it can be very complicated. Especially if you don't want to be the ******* that lets your family down.
A difficult balancing act. And outside advice is very difficult. I'm glad your dad doesn't seem to be doing as badly as it first seemed!
Nevertheless, if I were you, I would personally take a look before I make a decision. Unfortunately, I can't give you any better or more extensive advice.
Those are harsh words, but after reading the course of the conversation, it was the first thought that came to my mind.
BUT family and the commitments that come with it can be very complicated. Especially if you don't want to be the ******* that lets your family down.
A difficult balancing act. And outside advice is very difficult. I'm glad your dad doesn't seem to be doing as badly as it first seemed!
Nevertheless, if I were you, I would personally take a look before I make a decision. Unfortunately, I can't give you any better or more extensive advice.
