Easily Annoyed When Cooking

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OldSaw

OldSaw

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I am easily annoyed by other people when I’m cooking. My son thinks it’s related to PTSD. I’m not a professional, just an enthusiastic home cook.

Typical scenario is I’m in the zone and I’m going back and forth from the cooktop to the prep area behind me, really enjoying myself. Then, for no apparent reason, someone tries to walk through my area instead of going around or they misplaced something that I need. I get really flustered and tell them in no uncertain terms to either get out of the way or chastise them for hiding whatever it was that I needed.

Is this something others experience? Just wondering if it’s just me.
 
Yes, I do. I hate myself when I get in those moods, especially when I’m cooking at other people’s houses. Lately I am also coming to terms with and working on my “need” for control and having things done a certain way. I think the two are definitely related for me, maybe that doesn’t help you though. What I find helps is whenever I find myself starting to get to that point, I stop, take a deep breath, and imagine this as a new challenge to work around and overcome instead of an obstacle that could result in a ruined meal (which is irrational most of the time anyway)
 
why kitchen.jpg
 
OldSaw said:
I am easily annoyed by other people when I’m cooking. My son thinks it’s related to PTSD. I’m not a professional, just an enthusiastic home cook.

Typical scenario is I’m in the zone and I’m going back and forth from the cooktop to the prep area behind me, really enjoying myself. Then, for no apparent reason, someone tries to walk through my area instead of going around or they misplaced something that I need. I get really flustered and tell them in no uncertain terms to either get out of the way or chastise them for hiding whatever it was that I needed.

Is this something others experience? Just wondering if it’s just me.
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is it just cooking, or does it affect your whole life?
 
OldSaw said:
I am easily annoyed by other people when I’m cooking. My son thinks it’s related to PTSD. I’m not a professional, just an enthusiastic home cook.

Typical scenario is I’m in the zone and I’m going back and forth from the cooktop to the prep area behind me, really enjoying myself. Then, for no apparent reason, someone tries to walk through my area instead of going around or they misplaced something that I need. I get really flustered and tell them in no uncertain terms to either get out of the way or chastise them for hiding whatever it was that I needed.

Is this something others experience? Just wondering if it’s just me.
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My cats often jump on the counter and try to sabotage my cooking projects, while my son shoots rubber bands at me. Nothing makes me more angry.
 
OldSaw said:
Mostly cooking.
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That's a good sign, probably just a personality thing/pet peeve. I understand how difficult it can be to separate the ptsd symptoms from other stuff. I did eight years of therapy and a lot of things changed for the better, but it took a while to realize I was just running into the same brick wall over and over with other issues. Best of luck in sorting that out, for me it feels like it'll be a lifetime effort.
 
spaceconvoy said:
That's a good sign, probably just a personality thing/pet peeve. I understand how difficult it can be to separate the ptsd symptoms from other stuff. I did eight years of therapy and a lot of things changed for the better, but it took a while to realize I was just running into the same brick wall over and over with other issues. Best of luck in sorting that out, for me it feels like it'll be a lifetime effort.
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From the sounds of things PTSD can be lifelong. I thought it was just nightmares and night terrors and didn’t affect other people besides myself. One of my counselors helped me to understand the connection between things out of my control and military related PTSD. Also, my son has been telling me for years that I turn into an @hole when I’m cooking. It’s frustrating, because I love cooking.

I’m just trying to determine whether I’m just overly obsessive when I’m cooking or if the PTSD is the root cause.
 
I'm also a home cook, and I go through the same thing, to an extent.

I'm not so much annoyed/frustrated by people simply being in "my" kitchen - I'm annoyed by people that get in the way because don't know the dance. I used to be a bartender and a server, and there's an art to moving around in space with someone else. Working with/being helped by someone that knows the dance is a lot of fun for me... but nobody in my household fits that description, so the preference is for them to stay the **** out.
 
I find that when I get flustered in a situation as such it’s because I haven’t built the skill set and the confidence to be at ease yet within the environment (for me this is in building - I’m not skill set wise in a place where Setbacks or different processes are easy to manage, either when building with others or alone and I lack the totality of experience to teach, I can only explain the way I do it.) and/or I’m at capacity and have no room to deviate. In a home kitchen, the later shouldn’t apply (it probably shouldn’t in pro kitchens either.) you could avoid the edge of this uncomfortable place by mising out everything down to the last detail and defining your work area accordingly and stating your needs and expectations and therefore owning your need for control rather than expecting others to uphold/interpret/guess for you. Or you can modify your approach/goals to create more room (do less, take longer, don’t try to prep while you have things on the stove, turn your heat down, finish one component at a time, etc.) while you build your skill set to respond to unexpected challenges and grow more comfortable/build a different relationship with a hobby you enjoy but currently seem like you can’t with people you love (or probably people you don’t.) Are you easily annoyed by yourself while cooking if something doesn’t go according to plan and it’s purely on you in your mind? I’d imagine you’re hard on yourself as well. Cooking is at its core a response to your environment so it’s precisely those moments where you’re actually growing as a cook, not when your recipe and process turns out how you Assumed it would. Sorry for the ramble and the typos. It’s a hell of a challenge, I hope you’re not discouraged
 
Not sure if ptsd is the root case or if you created these so called cognitive maps because of it. You might have been going through rougher times in your life when people annoyed you in certain situations/places and you reacted in a way psychically and most importantly emotionally. Often times our brain remembers it. So maybe even if somebody a little bit annoys you in the kitchen the reaction will be similar in intensity as those years before where you might have been at a worse place. Our body/brain isn’t always helpful when it shortcuts these behavioural patterns.

It is a very good thing that you are aware of it. Also discuss it with a professional these are just public forums where anybody might contribute.
 
WPerry said:
I'm also a home cook, and I go through the same thing, to an extent.

I'm not so much annoyed/frustrated by people simply being in "my" kitchen - I'm annoyed by people that get in the way because don't know the dance. I used to be a bartender and a server, and there's an art to moving around in space with someone else. Working with/being helped by someone that knows the dance is a lot of fun for me... but nobody in my household fits that description, so the preference is for them to stay the **** out.
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I think this might be more accurate. It’s like when I have something going on a hot burner and I turn around to grab the next ingredient and someone just waltzes into the area. It’s even worse if they move something. But if I knew what they were doing and they knew what I was doing it wouldn’t be a big deal.
 
I feel like my first answer is lacking, so to expand, but to stay as brief as possible… Stress is bad for our health, and since we can’t possibly hope to ever eliminate the sources completely, I’ve taken to working on my reaction instead. Getting caught up in the “why” may delay you from just starting to create better habits. So, I unconsciously started pulling out all my tools with my mise en place, after having discussions with my s/o about putting everything back. She’s gotten better but is not perfect. Pulling them out ahead of time stops the search from being so frantic, if there is a search. She also sarcastically does a “BEHIND BEHIND” every time she walks behind me like we’re on top chef, which is annoyingly endearing if only for the simple fact that it serves the purpose it’s supposed to. Her coming into the kitchen doesn’t bring me a spike of stress anymore. Maybe this stuff will work for you 🤷🏼‍♂️
 
sumis said:
but it's supposed to be fun. for everyone
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Says who? Can cooking be a fun activity for multiple people? Sure, it can... but, if we're talking about everyday meals, cooking is, first and foremost, utilitarian for me - I'm cooking to feed my family. I try to cook meals that they'll enjoy, because that keeps it interesting for me, too, but if they want to be entertained by the act of cooking, they can go out for Teppanyaki.
 
WPerry said:
Says who? Can cooking be a fun activity for multiple people? Sure, it can... but, if we're talking about everyday meals, cooking is, first and foremost, utilitarian for me - I'm cooking to feed my family. I try to cook meals that they'll enjoy, because that keeps it interesting for me, too, but if they want to be entertained by the act of cooking, they can go out for Teppanyaki.
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Sometimes it’s just fun for me. Even when it’s just cooking a utilitarian meal. Sometimes I enjoy just being left alone and then presenting everything when it’s done. If people want to hang out and watch they can sit on the stools on the other side of the island. It’s when they intrude into my cooking and prep space that it gets me flustered.
 
I think it comes from the desire have this be your thing. You want total control of the event, have it planned out and if that is disturbed, you react in your own manner. Could you be a bit over the top or obsessive? Sounds like there may be something there, but I can also see the why.

My fiancee feels guilty when I do the whole meal, so she tries to help. When I'm in a mood and I want to do everything (as she'll want to do prep taking me away from being able to play with knives), I'll tell her to go do something else. If I'm in less of a mood, I let her help in areas that she is stronger (like cooking veggies while I do protein)
 
WPerry said:
Says who? Can cooking be a fun activity for multiple people? Sure, it can... but, if we're talking about everyday meals, cooking is, first and foremost, utilitarian for me - I'm cooking to feed my family. I try to cook meals that they'll enjoy, because that keeps it interesting for me, too, but if they want to be entertained by the act of cooking, they can go out for Teppanyaki.
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well, let me rephrase: if i can’t cook – by myself or in tandem – without my family perceiving me as a dick, then i might actually be a dick. and i treasure the fact that my daughter makes mean tortelloni and i’d like to sustain and develop that part of our relationship. supposed to or not – it helps having a good time in the kitchen if you want others to hang around, or even enjoy what you’re cooking for them. pretty uncontroversial imho, if not a norm everyone must live by.

.
 
for me, it depends on my mood and how relaxed i'm feeling. sometimes, it's a joy to have friends and family with me while i cook. perhaps i'm drinking at the same time.

other times, people are just talking my ear off and distracting me from working. or i'm stressed out and trying to get it over with, and i get snappy.
 
sumis said:
supposed to or not – it helps having a good time in the kitchen if you want others to hang around, or even enjoy what you’re cooking for them. pretty uncontroversial imho, if not a norm everyone must live by.
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I think that you're looking through things from your particular lens and failing to see it from other perspectives. Exceedingly common activities can be approached from very different directions and for very different reasons, even by the same person when they're in different circumstances. Riding a cargo bike, loaded with groceries and kids, is very different than racing a time trial or criterium; the act of cooking has a similarly wide spectrum.

I'm not justifying chewing someone out, a la Gordon Ramsay, but I think it's a bit much to insinuate that someone's a dick because they get frustrated with added/unnecessary distractions at key moments. It's also a bit much to expect that a cook, even a humble home cook, be gracious and entertaining to any and all that wander through the kitchen any time they're cooking. I'm sure that I'm not unusual, in that I cook dozens of meals per week at home and, often times, **** just needs to get done.

It's awesome if you have the privilege to turn the preparation of every meal in to a bonding experience, but you should acknowledge it as such and not assume that others can or want to do the same.
 
WPerry said:
I think that you're looking through things from your particular lens and failing to see it from other perspectives. Exceedingly common activities can be approached from very different directions and for very different reasons, even by the same person when they're in different circumstances. Riding a cargo bike, loaded with groceries and kids, is very different than racing a time trial or criterium; the act of cooking has a similarly wide spectrum.

I'm not justifying chewing someone out, a la Gordon Ramsay, but I think it's a bit much to insinuate that someone's a dick because they get frustrated with added/unnecessary distractions at key moments. It's also a bit much to expect that a cook, even a humble home cook, be gracious and entertaining to any and all that wander through the kitchen any time they're cooking. I'm sure that I'm not unusual, in that I cook dozens of meals per week at home and, often times, **** just needs to get done.

It's awesome if you have the privilege to turn the preparation of every meal in to a bonding experience, but you should acknowledge it as such and not assume that others can or want to do the same.
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exactly.
it is, as i said, not a norm one has to live by. i fail more often than i’d want, but i try to be a pleasant person to to be around – and to me, personally, everyday mundane stuff is were it really counts. for me that is. but yes, it’s hard enough to keep things in life together, and i’m not expecting everyone to do everything with a smile. it’s just that pushing family out of the kitchen through mood swings and whatever is something i personally see as a negative thing. in my case.

.
 
I quite literally stop paying attention to anything else when I’m cooking. I think I’ve minimized the distractions by doing most of it when the kids are asleep.
My wife knows I’m waving knives around and generally stays clear. Her mother, on the other hand, often decides to “borrow water” or rinse her hands while Im washing knives (yes, she has been cut several times). That being said, I’m the first one in her kitchen when she’s cooking to help out. I suppose I don’t get annoyed, just because I dislike getting angry more than anything else. This is an unusual personality trait that I treasure.

I agree, there is a “groove” or “zone” that should be respected by others, but in truth unless they’re taking part, most people are unaware of the sort of kitchen etiquette. Especially those who don’t cook themselves. PTSD is a massively complicated condition that’s tough to generalize, I do sympathize, as I have a lot of patients with PTSD that simply are the way they are, and others would do well to at least try to accommodate.
 
I can really sympathize with the frustration in the kitchen and subsequent self-judgment. Most often this pops up when my approach to cooking is the wrong one for the moment - I'm trying to play with a new approach or do something fancy/cheffy, but what I really should be doing is keeping it simple, getting food on the table, and cleaning as I go. I drive a lot of satisfaction from trying to intentionally practice and improve as a cook, but cooking in that mindset is also when I get most frustrated in the moment. To the extent I've gotten better at not being a jerk, it's by being more deliberate about when to focus on the details and when to keep it lower-effort.

I'm lucky that my wife is a good cook as well and we can usually either enjoy cooking together, or know when that's not going to work and stay out of each other's way. For everyone else, waving around a cleaver or 270 gyuto helps keep unwanted help at bay!
 
WPerry said:
I think that you're looking through things from your particular lens and failing to see it from other perspectives. Exceedingly common activities can be approached from very different directions and for very different reasons, even by the same person when they're in different circumstances. Riding a cargo bike, loaded with groceries and kids, is very different than racing a time trial or criterium; the act of cooking has a similarly wide spectrum.

I'm not justifying chewing someone out, a la Gordon Ramsay, but I think it's a bit much to insinuate that someone's a dick because they get frustrated with added/unnecessary distractions at key moments. It's also a bit much to expect that a cook, even a humble home cook, be gracious and entertaining to any and all that wander through the kitchen any time they're cooking. I'm sure that I'm not unusual, in that I cook dozens of meals per week at home and, often times, **** just needs to get done.

It's awesome if you have the privilege to turn the preparation of every meal in to a bonding experience, but you should acknowledge it as such and not assume that others can or want to do the same.
Click to expand...
I was sharing this thread with my wife and we talked about the differences between dishes. For instance, soup is an extremely leisure activity and there can be many interruptions without affecting the outcome. But searing and sauté type activities can be a little more intense.
 
I'm with you on thee kitchen routine. I worked in restaurants in back-of-the-house, a dishwasher, and waiter (not all at the same time :)). Speed in the kitchen is essential and unfortunately I've never been able to shake that when I cook at home. My wife moves at 30% of my speed in the kitchen so we collide. I know that I need to take a breath and relax when cooking but it's hard to get over the need for speed in the kitchen.
 
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